Well, there's another way to look at it. Not saying this is "the correct way", but another way.
Some people are just really bad receivers, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with feeling entitled, ungrateful, etc. With some people, it's almost the reverse. On some level, they're uncomfortable with putting *you* out -- even though they do desire the end result of you (perhaps) inconveniencing yourself for them. They don't feel worth it, deep down they don't feel like anyone should be sacrificing *for them*, but rather the reverse. The bigger the favor, the more that kicks in. So, little things, no big deal, thank yous are easy .... bigger stuff, the little tiny guilt voice in the background starts whispering, and so it's maybe harder to verbally acknowledge that you *did* go out of your way to meet their needs. If that makes sense.
Something to think about.
It must have killed you to postpone *this close*, but you really did the right -- the loving -- thing.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Mind you, I should add that I'm not floating *excuses* here. By most people's standards, it's kind and loving and only good manners to express gratitude.
That's something you guys can hopefully work together on.
It's just that there is often an inocuous, albeit FOO'd up, explanation for rudeness from our partner. It's not always because they hate us or they're just awful people.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I have noticed, in fact, that my W gets VERY defensive when someone else (one of her sib's, a MC, etc) points out something that I have done for her that she is not being thankful for...
"What!! Does he get a medal or something!!"
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I think this is also part of the problem between Mrs. Thinker and my parents.
My Parents are Horrible givers - everything they do for you is with a sense of Martyrdom. They expect major thank-you's, and sometimes it seems like they expect lifelong gratitude.
The cycle between them goes like:
My parents do something to help my w out (eg after our youngest was born and I had to go back to work, they came and watched the older 2 sons for a week)
They expect a serious thank you.
They don't get it. I thank them, but not from Mrs. Thinker ("What! do they want a medal!!")
They are insulted and hurt. They don't say anything, but just hold onto that resentment....
----
It definitely is something we are going to have to work on together, and something she is going to have to admit, face and work on.
...but she isn't right now. I have kind of been waiting to go through Retrouvaille to see how things improve, and then take it from there.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Some people are just really bad receivers, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with feeling entitled, ungrateful, etc. With some people, it's almost the reverse. On some level, they're uncomfortable with putting *you* out -- even though they do desire the end result of you (perhaps) inconveniencing yourself for them. They don't feel worth it, deep down they don't feel like anyone should be sacrificing *for them*, but rather the reverse. The bigger the favor, the more that kicks in.
I had this issue for a long time. My self-worth was in the toilet, and I felt really uncomfortable receiving anything from anyone. H interpreted it as me being ungrateful, though I appreciated the gestures. OF COURSE, the flip side of this was that H kept score...he did this great thing, so he expected something from it. He labeled me a bad person, and as I already thought I was, all it did was create more of the same.
It wasn't until I did some intense IC work that I was able to see any of this, however.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
My parents do something to help my w out (eg after our youngest was born and I had to go back to work, they came and watched the older 2 sons for a week)
They expect a serious thank you.
They don't get it. I thank them, but not from Mrs. Thinker ("What! do they want a medal!!")
They are insulted and hurt. They don't say anything, but just hold onto that resentment....
----
It definitely is something we are going to have to work on together, and something she is going to have to admit, face and work on.
Gifts given with the expectation of repayment are not gifts, they are exchanges. A true gift is given for the pleasure of giving it. If grudges are held...well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't all that nicely or kindly given. My H used to be that martyr...it made me feel worse, but it also made me dig my feet in deeper to protect myself.
IMO, your parents have as big an issue as your W does. If they can't do something for W and your family (as you certainly benefited from their help in the home) without expecting something in return, they shouldn't do it. They WANT to be unhappy.
When you get to the point where you're addressing this with your W, be gentle and come to it from the perspective of I-statements. "When I do things to help you out and you don't thank me, I feel like I don't matter. I feel unappreciated." Not "You make me feel like I don't matter. You never..." It's a subtle difference, but given her defensiveness, it is a huge one.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
It's just that there is often an inocuous, albeit FOO'd up, explanation for rudeness from our partner. It's not always because they hate us or they're just awful people.
FOO'd up - that's my new favorite term !
Gives a whole new meaning to FOOBAR.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I had this issue for a long time. My self-worth was in the toilet, and I felt really uncomfortable receiving anything from anyone. H interpreted it as me being ungrateful, though I appreciated the gestures.
I think my W has this issue as well. I have never felt she sufferred from a lack of self confidence/worth. Maybe she was just masking a lack of self worth by projecting an image of self confidence.
Anyway, my W has never been able to accept a compliment. Me: "You look fantastic." W: "Yeah, haha, right."
Maybe this is related to the lack of self worth.
Sorry for the hijack Thinker, but thought discussion on that might be helpful.
IMO, your parents have as big an issue as your W does. If they can't do something for W and your family (as you certainly benefited from their help in the home) without expecting something in return, they shouldn't do it. They WANT to be unhappy.
Correct. Yes they do. The issue with my parents has been a major topic of discussion here recently. Most of this problem is theirs.
I was just pointing out that my W's difficulty receiving feeds into it.
Quote:
When you get to the point where you're addressing this with your W, be gentle and come to it from the perspective of I-statements. "When I do things to help you out and you don't thank me, I feel like I don't matter. I feel unappreciated." Not "You make me feel like I don't matter. You never..." It's a subtle difference, but given her defensiveness, it is a huge one.
Thanks. I had a very similar (short) discussion with her last night, and appreciate the need to be gentle.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I had a very similar (short) discussion with her last night, and appreciate the need to be gentle.
Did your W say that you were making it "all about you?" My W goes this route everytime I use "I statements" and I recall reading your W has done this in the past too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
