Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Best friend R long term is better than bursts of passion but shouldn't we ask for it all? blush wink

I sure signed on for BF and H. I don't expect romance and passion all the time. I just expect some reassurances of his loyalty and love. I think he thinks that being here for me, and being a good friend (and he really is) is enough, but I have told him how I feel many times and it has fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if we were ML on a regular basis would make me feel more confident of his love or, at least, that he finds me attractive and desirable. Well, maybe I'm not anymore since we have ML about twice a year on average in the last 4 years. Once when I initiated, I was turned down, so not going there again. He also works very hard, and still helps around the house with things I can't do or do slowly.

But, it's not about just the ML aspect. The other day I was thinking about life and death and choices, yadda yadda! And, it occurred to me that maybe I stood in his way to real happiness and maybe that was bad karma for me yadda yadda! I got quite emotional, as you can imagine. So, I went to him in tears saying how sorry I was to have stood in his way, if the OW was his true soul mate. I also told him that I release him from any attachment to me and that he was free to pursue her if he wanted. Of course, I was hoping for the assurance that no, he loved me and I was his soul mate and that I had done the right thing in objecting to his EA. But, he said nothing. He hugged me, but I'm not sure what that meant. This is what my H is like. You just never quite know what his actions and few words mean. He does tell me he loves me every time we speak on the phone, but there is no real, look into my eyes, reassuring, "I love you". If I say it out of the blue, he will say it back, but very seldom initiate it. I have stopped doing that because I don't want him to feel obligated to say those words. Lately, what I've been doing is hugging him when he's looking frustrated (he works from home and usually sits at the kitchen table instead of the study so I can hear it or see it when he is feeling upset over something ---- usually, when something on the computer will not comply to his wishes hahaha) and he seems to like that.

I guess at a time like this --- fighting a malignant disease --- it's pretty pointless to be worrying about all this, and generally I don't. It will all be meaningless if I lose the battle and the only thing that I will be concerned about are my children and grandchildren. I have said and done all I can as far as my M goes. There is nothing more I can do or want to do. I appreciate his friendship immensely and I understand that he must care for me very much as a member of his immediate family to still be here after all that has transpired in the last year. I also understand that it must be hard looking in from the outside at the battle I am fighting. It must be so boring to hear about blood tests, MRI's, sitting in waiting rooms, etc., although I don't talk about it often, except when something is upcoming. In fact, the illness is so far from my mind sometimes, I forget appointments, such as another icky blood test last week. I write here and on my Facebook and then generally forget about it.

I am feeling introspective today --- H is away on a business trip for 2 weeks, D16 is at camp, so it's just S22 and I and he's at work and was camping this past weekend. So, I've had a lot of time on my own which is nice, and I do keep myself busy. I rather like my own company and don't often feel lonely. A friend took me out to the mall yesterday after taking me for blood tests (ugh!). That was neat! The mall, I mean. And, the occasional outing like that is enough for me.

Well, I hope y'all are having a great summer! My D29 and my awesome grandkids are coming to visit in August. I am so excited! I just love them so much that I can't describe how much. It sure is an eternal love.

Take care.

[Phoenix_spark]

Good to hear things are moving in a positive direction. I'm sure the battle has been long and hard, but it looks like your seeing positive stuff. Even with it's challenges I have learn to appreciate things a little more recently. I did learn (again) to listen to "guidance" twice so far this month. No doubt someone is trying to teach me something.

Just a few observations here, let's see if I have this right. H wants to take you camping, is supportive when facing possible heartbreaking news.....maybe not the dream we all have in mind, but at least is making positive strides in the right direction. Putting that with the positive news from the doctor, I would say someone has something to at least be upbeat about. Maybe someone will be more upbeat about himself and the R if he feels he is helping you and the R succeed. Be the greener grass.

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! How are ya doing?

Yes, I do understand what you're saying. I am so grateful to have my best friend with me, and supporting me. Don't get me wrong. He has been very supportive indeed. So has my S22 and my D16, especially when dad has been away on business. All three have been my rock.

Of course, he wants to take me camping, we do everything together. But, it's like buddies. It's difficult to describe --- after almost 5 years and we're still in the same place except I rarely comment on the EA, or anything about our R. When I did a couple of weeks ago, it had been a couple of years (I think --- can't really remember when last) since. There is little moving forward, more staying put and I guess that's okay.

Everyday, when he's working from home especially, I thank him for the things he does for me. Because I am grateful. And, I am so sorry that I am putting him and the kids through this. I don't think he thinks about the R. Well, I guess I don't know what he thinks because he very rarely expresses his emotional thoughts. He is here and that's good unless he is unhappy and just not saying. I really don't want that. I want him to be happy and able to express himself to the person he loves. He was able to talk about emotional things with the OW, things that were troubling him or exciting him. He doesn't do that with me except work stuff which I don't mind since it probably destresses him to vent it to someone. Since he could do it with OW, I can only then assume he just doesn't feel comfortable or able to do it with me so perhaps, he'll be able to find someone like the OW, but without all the baggage (like a M and children). Where that leaves me? I don't know because I could lose this battle then it won't matter except my children won't have a mother and my grandchildren will lose one of the grandmas. So, I fight this battle because I choose life and we'll see what lays on the other side of the hill.

It's hard to be the greener grass right now when I have no hair, feel reliant on everyone, tired from fighting this disease (radiation really left me exhausted in a way I have never felt --- tired yes, but also mentally and emotionally, even spiritually). I am getting past that, but still have the chemo ongoing. I had an MRI last week and it showed the tumour diminished, but not gone. After all that I had gone through --- operation, radiation and chemo for 6 weeks and still it's partially there. I'm sorry --- just venting! I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive. I am truly grateful that I have not had seizures in 5 months. I should be able to drive in a month's time. So, there are many positives.

Journalling .....

I was meditating/praying yesterday (I like to do it with the sound of the Gregorian monks chanting) and I asked G-d, generally, "why am I here? What is my purpose? I have just started getting it --- going to school, having such a good relationship with my middle daughter (things are just starting to look up, IOW). Why this disease now?" And I ask Him now, "have I fulfilled my purpose already?" Well, I got a feeling of an answer yesterday. My purpose in life is to love in spite of other's shortcomings, or mine. To try and see people as He sees them. Really hard to do --- I tried doing that with the people who have really hurt me in life. Hard, but doable. I was to even love myself in the same way. I was to break through to that. And now, whether I live or die, I am still to love because the universe is that. This is the purpose of everyone --- sure, we may have various destinies, but our purpose is Love. Hope I am making sense here. I just don't know how to put this into words.

Wait ... I am going to check a scripture that I am sure is there, about love. Here it is ---- 1 John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. And 19 We love Him, because He first loved us. In looking for these, I realise how many times this subject is mentioned in the Bible. Wow!

Well, those are my thoughts for the day.

[BeingMe]

My H had an accident mid-August. Got the fright of my life. He got injured trying to hook the boat up on a downhill and the boat slid into him and against the RV pinning him momentarily. We phoned 911 and he was quickly taken to ER. The doc said there was bruising and a little internal bleeding after taking X-rays and ultrasound. He still has a lot of pain, but seems to be mending. If he sneezes, however, it really hurts. They have him on some serious pain meds which he only takes when he is really hurting - naproxen and endocet. The boat hit him just to the side of his spine, so he was very lucky, in that sense.

This happened just after my D29 and grandchildren came to visit and we were preparing to go camping. Well, the camping was cancelled. My other D22 also came to visit with her little ones, so our whole family was together. I was so glad to have that happen because my D29 will possibly be going to Germany next year making it more difficult to visit her.

Dealing with this tumour, I tend to wonder, every time someone leaves, if I will see them again. Looking at my H's accident, it could've been the case for him, or something like spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Things can happen so suddenly and without warning.

I hope this post finds y'all healthy.

[Tomato]

Hi there BeingMe

You sure are a courageous woman. You resemble my darling in that way for sure.

I do hope that your H is healing up well from his freak injury. That was really a dangerous and serious mishap. I can see why it was frightening to you.

May the Lord our God tend to all of your needs daily. May He bring you strength where you are so often weary. May He bring you compassion and love to be shared wth all those you come across in your daily journeys. May He renew your health and that of all your family. May He bless you in ways both big and small.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

T

[BeingMe]

I have just heard of the passing away of a dear friend --- my room-mate at the Cancer Lodge. I tried phoning her and then checked online and found a blog where someone had gone to her memorial. I am so sad I didn't see her again before she passed. She was so brave as she fought her own horrendous battle with cancer. She was such a new friend, but she made me feel as if I had known her forever.

H is away on business. It's hard to hear him on the phone. Maybe that's a metaphor for our M ---- far away and hard to hear.

[ACJ]

((((((((((BM)))))))))))).

So sorry to hear of your loss

[Phoenix_spark]

I too lost a old friend this week, however there was no sickness, just lack of fight any more. The part that was the saddest to me is that it was probably caused or driven by a M gone bad, not worked on, then never fixed. Fighting the demons of drugs is a no win sitch. This whole thing made me think of my friends back here who are still fighting the battle for their marriage.

Keep up the good fight.

[BeingMe]

We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Still friends/family, though. Do everything together. Not sure where things are going, but then, that is life, isn't it?

[ACJ]

Sorry to hear about this downturn in your R. I do that eventually your H will see the light.