just a quick note to remind y'all that the Jolenes of the world have feelings too. So while you guys want to press your wives' jealousy buttons by using single moms and their kids, well...keep that in mind. I personally don't think you should date someone unless you are actually interested in that person, not as a tool to make your wife jealous.
we aren't saying (at least I haven't been) to date one woman and get into a relationship with her and then break their heart when your wife comes back - date several women, how hard could it be?
I disagree on the "game" idea, once you view this as a game, you realize that you have to do certain things to get your spouse's attention back: get a life, 180s, personal development & improvement, going "dark", no contact/limited contact, dating others, etc. If none of these things worked at all why are they promoted at all on this site?
Or the flipside is this, and it's valid alternative as well: let go of your spouse, stop wanting them back, stop loving them, let them go, if they're with someone else, give up, they left you so the marriage is worthless, no need to prove to anyone: yourself, the kids, or the world for that matter that the marriage has worth, no need to wait for reconciliation or the hope that the spouse would maybe come back when they're tired of the other person. Just give up.
Train yourself to give up when this happens, every relationship you have, when similar things occur again (and they will), just give up, don't bother trying, don't bother working hard to improve yourself, don't bother fighting for the relationship at all, don't wallow in self-pity, just give up, move on.
After all, it's only love and you can love someone else, regardless if it's for forever or just a couple of days.
Plus this talk about introducing the people you date to your children, what kind of wacko nut burger would ever do that?! Why would you do that? What would be the requirement for doing that? Unless you've been dating a person several times, long enough to consider an actual relationship with them, why would you ever introduce the people you are dating to your young children? Why is this even an option - why would you?
Tristan do you want your wife back? I'm not sure I've even asked you this yet in all of our posts.
I guess you have to decide this - if you don't want your wife back, move on gracefully and be a good person for yourself and a good parent to your kids and embrace your new single life and prepare yourself for the eventual process of pursuing dating & relationships with other women. Get some counselling for the emotions you feel, the pain & withdrawal, getting over the past, and moving forward.
If you do want your wife back, it won't happen by sitting at home and attending single parent meetings. There is a process to this and it works but it only works if you put the work into it. This isn't just about jealousy, seriously, it's about painting the picture for your wife that you aren't waiting for her anymore, she takes for granted your existence in her life, when you move on and the fear of loss is generated, only then will your wife realize what she is losing and only then will she make the decision to leave the OM - until then she has you exactly where she wants you to be: at home, suffering, thinking about how many times she has communicated to you, thinking about your relationship with her, feeling the fear of loss of her not being your life anymore and her being with an OM - and at the same time know that she isn't feeling 10% of what you feel right now.
As for the "Jolene's" in this world, they have feelings, we all have feelings, no one is asking Tristan to go "steady" with the first "Jolene" he comes in contact with, go out meet Jolene, share a meal or go for coffee, find out about them, maybe make a friend or a new acquaintance and continue meeting other "Jolene's" without making any committments or getting into any serious relationships with any of them - if a first date translates to wedding cake, then the "Jolene's" in this world have problems that aren't necessarily yours to deal with.
breakaway I would love to hear what you think Tristan should do to get his wife back. I'm not attacking you, it's an honest question I'm asking here. You've mentioned tristan's wife's emotional state and mental health issues so we know you're a little concerned about her and that's cool, Tristan loves her and being concerned & compassionate towards her isn't a bad thing, it's definitely a good thing. My question is, what divorce busting techniques should Tristan be using right now with the goal of getting his wife back?
Actually robx (I like robx), I read your entire thread and I don't think I ever saw that you did date anyone else. I know you contemplated it. Did you date others? When? What happened?
Actually robx (I like robx), I read your entire thread and I don't think I ever saw that you did date anyone else. I know you contemplated it. Did you date others? When? What happened?
I haven't updated that thing forever, after a while I just got so invested in monitoring all the other threads that I rarely had time to update my own.
Yes I dated, I dated several women, it was the most terrifying and exhilarating process all at the same time LOL! It has been many years since I had "dated" anyone, the first one was difficult and they became progressively easier as time passed on until I became a "pro" at it (for lack of a better word). I used online services, I dated old friends of my wife that apparently had been interested in me and popped out of the woodwork when news of our separation became "public" information. I was never intimate with any of them but a few of them were quite "hungry" and vocal about it (especially one of my wife's friends who was going through a divorce at the time). I can't say the boost to the ego wasn't appreciated, it was. I had done a 180 in my life, picked myself up, started going to the gym, pushing some heavy iron (I had done this years ago when I first started seeing my wife) and my muscles responded well, having a bit of memory to this process, I lost a ton of weight, I felt great, I ate healthy, shopped for new clothes, cropped the 'do, seriously I walked around feeling like I was a million bucks, I still feel that way - it's awesome. The dates were usually one time things but a few of them progressed to 2nd & 3rd dates but I knew enough to stop it at the point and I made it clear to the other person after the first or second date that the "chemistry wasn't there" but it was a good experience, most if not all of them told me to look them up again if I ever changed my mind. I really opened my eyes to the whole single scene, there are LOTS of women out there and based on the feedback I rec'd and personal observation, I wasn't just OK, I was a really decent catch - I actually got pooped after a while, the single life is busy when you're dating, working full time, parenting and having joint custody (and actually I pretty much have near full custody at this point, I'd say I have them 80% of the time now if not more). Women were impressed that I was a single dad, working full time, being successful, looking good and keeping busy. It was my vibe, it was my attitude, even when I told them that the chemistry wasn't there, I didn't turn them off, if anything and this is the weird part, they continued calling & emailing afterwards when I said that, I had never been in the position to be pursued, it was awkward & funny to say the least, sometimes I would just smile to myself. I don't look for external validation but I can see why some people get off on it, if feels really good - however I made sure to realize internally that external validation/attention from others wouldn't be the source for my great self-esteem, I was responsible for that and in taking that power, I pretty much removed anyone's ability to make me feel bad. Control is an illusion for the most part, you can't control people, if you try, they rebel. You can't control the weather, etc. You can control your actions through conscious choices and there is alot of power in that.
Anyways back to the story of dating, I was dating alot, and one of my wife's friends who doesn't live locally anymore (she wasn't even in the city at the time either) heard from a friend of hers through the grapevine that I was dating other women. WOW! All I can say is news like that spreads faster than wildfire! My wife found out and she flipped and I thought it was funny. All along she had been doing "her thing", enjoying the single life, going to clubs/bars/parties, hanging out with men, a couple in particular she was having fun with all along treating me with so much disrespect and I just put my foot down and I wouldn't be the lovestruck sucker waiting for my wife to snap out of it. I actually thank my wife's friend, I know those girls love to gossip, it was always one of my pet peeves about her group of friends, they get together and talk about everyone, so when news of me dating got out, IT GOT OUT! LOL!
She was angry, angrier than you could (or I could) imagine and then after the anger came this huge reversal of roles, I stopped pursuing her, enjoying my life, dating other women, having a great time (and no, there were no sexy time explosions, this was all done according to a plan that I finally had the balls to implement), she started pursuing me, rationalizing with me, calling me, asking for another chance, talking about marriage counselling, playing the guilt card: "I thought you loved me" "I thought you said you would wait forever" "I'm sorry for treating you so badly" "those guys never meant anything" "but I love you" "I don't know what I was doing, I was crazy" "What about our kids?" "We're married, we should try harder" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I mean it, I'm really sorry" - cry, weep, weep, wash, rinse, repeat
I saw myself in her at that point, trying to rationalize, trying to argue, scared, in a crisis, the fear of loss generated when the person you love doesn't want to be with you anymore, the pleading, begging, etc. It was unattractive, honestly when this was happening, it was repulsive, I took a step back and thought to myself, "was I like this?"
Where am I now? She comes over regularly, sleeps over regularly, she asks to go out all the time, coffee, dinner, movies, the beach, walks in the park, we should go on a trip, etc. etc.
Where was this person before all of this? Why couldn't she just love me as I was? I don't know. Maybe on some level she realized that I didn't feel that great about myself and she mirrored that. As much as we think love conquers all, it doesn't. You have to make that relationship into what you want it to be, you can't will it to be that way. It requires work, it requires personal development and when one of you strays, it requires double duty on your part to improve and then show them what they're going to lose because just as the possibility exists to lose your spouse, the flipside is they can lose you: the fear of loss, the crisis, this is what moves people to action. Otherwise what would be the impetus for anyone to change in this specific situation? Buying them roses every other day won't work. Buying them gifts isn't going to work. Giving them everything they want doesn't work. It communicates that you by yourself aren't good enough to be with them so you have to supplement you with gifts & goodies just to be on the same level and that's just bull$hit (pardon my french) because you communicate that to them and train them & yourself to believe it.
When she had lost all respect for me because I let her push past all of my boundaries and treat me horribly, she couldn't love me anymore. When she did something wrong, I kept my mouth shut without saying "hey when you did this, it was wrong, it hurt me/bothered me, smarten up, it's disrespectful". Without respect, there is no love - I know this to be 100% true. My wife respects me now, and I don't make it easy on her either because we're not back yet and when we are back i know it will be because of the work I put into myself and the actions I took to get us here: I paved & led the way because that's where I wanted to be and i knew that no one else would bring me there except for me. I bust her on pretty much every crap behavior she exhibits when it's called for, if she has attitude and starts to push me (and I look for these tests now, I can see them now where as before I never saw them), I call her on it, call her a brat, tell her that her temper tantrums may work on other people but i'm not impressed, I tell her she's unattractive when she gets angry, I don't argue with her and tell her that arguing immaturely with me is very disrespectful. When she is moody and quiet, I tell her to speak up because as much as I can be understanding & compassionate, I also know that if you let them brew in their silence, they fester and get angry. Spill the beans, you don't like something say so, if it's within my power to do something about this, I would rather change & improve something instead of wondering what I should do. Speak up and I'll respect you more for your honesty and I will not respect you if you are silent and not communicative about any issue you have problems with! She pays for marriage counselling that we go to, I told her that if it's worth it to her, she'll show it. I am respectful of her, she is the mother of my children and I do love her but I won't go back to being that person that supplicated her and enabled all those crap behaviors to begin with because I realize that I have to take responsibility for my role in all of this. I also don't want the relationship I had with her, I want something new & better otherwise what's the point? I care for her, I want to be excited about her, after this type of process and the time that goes with it, it's a struggle and I have to remember the work & effort that was put into all of this.
I am learning that all this is so true. My W lost respect for me somewhere along the way while she built up a bunch of anger and resentment at the same time. I started to realize how I looked in her eyes as compared to the OM and I didn't measure up even though he is a low-life POS predator, etc etc. In her eyes he was her savior, while I groveled for her love and affection begging her to re-commit to the marriage.
I see every 'newcomer' coming to this site doing the same thing for the most part and I hope that they can gather up the strength ASAP to reverse this behavior. The longer it goes on, the more damage it does I think but it may be recoverable.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
