Just prior to round two beginning I had already started working on some personal things. I started walking and exercising again. A few years ago I was in amazing shape. I would like to get back there.
Not sure, today is the day to focus on feeling my body...That leads to an update from this weekend and a little journalling...
Went home after work Saturday to find out that wife is sick. Most likely a flu, but with her medical history, you never know. That made it tough to read her this weekend. She seemed very down, but was it due to feeling ill or is she feeling trapped?
Saturday night I managed to kink my neck/back while sleeping. That made Sunday a tough one for me. It still hurts this morning, but not quite as bad.
I mentioned that one of my goals is to have my wife touch me in passing. Saturday night she touched my hand when asking if I wanted a cup of tea. It was nice, but not "the touch" I am meant. It feels different.
I also said I want to be invited to sleep in my own bed. Yesterday, my wife said "maybe you should sleep in bed tonight" - but that was only due to the fact that by back was a mess. I declined the invitation, but in the middle of the night had to sleep in a real bed in order to get any sleep. I hope that was not a mistake. Tonight, hopefully I will be able to sleep on the futon in rec room as I have been doing.
Should note: wife and I did have a hot tub together. She started the tub, but knew I was going to have one to help my back problem. She helped me stretch out the muscles, but it was very clinical.
I tried to give her space all weekend so she can ease into being back in our home. Unless things change again, I believe she plans on "living together" at least until the end of the year. That gives me some time to apply my dbing knowledge.
There has been no r talk at all since she came home. I know it's best if there isn't, but I am concerned that she will think I believe everything is fine and that will make her angry.
Question - Without actually brining up the r, how do I let her know what I am aware that things are not ok? With my wife, having her think that I think all is ok, will create resentment. I hope that makes sense. Your comments appreciated.
Went home after work Saturday to find out that wife is sick. Most likely a flu, but with her medical history, you never know. That made it tough to read her this weekend. She seemed very down, but was it due to feeling ill or is she feeling trapped?
Work on you and stop trying to read her every mood. Moods change, especially when someone doesn't feel well. Just let her "be." Keep up the exercise.
Just prior to round two beginning I had already started working on some personal things. I started walking and exercising again. A few years ago I was in amazing shape. I would like to get back there.
Not sure, today is the day to focus on feeling my body...That leads to an update from this weekend and a little journalling...
Went home after work Saturday to find out that wife is sick. Most likely a flu, but with her medical history, you never know. That made it tough to read her this weekend. She seemed very down, but was it due to feeling ill or is she feeling trapped?
Saturday night I managed to kink my neck/back while sleeping. That made Sunday a tough one for me. It still hurts this morning, but not quite as bad.
I mentioned that one of my goals is to have my wife touch me in passing. Saturday night she touched my hand when asking if I wanted a cup of tea. It was nice, but not "the touch" I am meant. It feels different.
I also said I want to be invited to sleep in my own bed. Yesterday, my wife said "maybe you should sleep in bed tonight" - but that was only due to the fact that by back was a mess. I declined the invitation, but in the middle of the night had to sleep in a real bed in order to get any sleep. I hope that was not a mistake. Tonight, hopefully I will be able to sleep on the futon in rec room as I have been doing.
Should note: wife and I did have a hot tub together. She started the tub, but knew I was going to have one to help my back problem. She helped me stretch out the muscles, but it was very clinical.
I tried to give her space all weekend so she can ease into being back in our home. Unless things change again, I believe she plans on "living together" at least until the end of the year. That gives me some time to apply my dbing knowledge.
There has been no r talk at all since she came home. I know it's best if there isn't, but I am concerned that she will think I believe everything is fine and that will make her angry.
Question - Without actually brining up the r, how do I let her know what I am aware that things are not ok? With my wife, having her think that I think all is ok, will create resentment. I hope that makes sense. Your comments appreciated.
Indy you know my opinion, sleep in your bed, sleeping on the futon or another room was a bad idea.
As far as the relationship, shelve any talks about it.
Seriously working on the relationship doesn't work, it never does. When you have to work on it, you are openly admitting that it isn't working, you already have the mindset that things are wrong. Let it be.
As tough as it is let it be.
Focus on being friends, ultimately, don't you want a spouse that is a friend, not just a $ex partner?
So focus on that.
Seriously, her offering to make you cup of tea - big step for her, just smile & say thank you when little things like this happen, those are big things. If she hated you, she wouldn't bother offering you anything.
Her offering for you to sleep in the bed because of your back, another big move on her part considering based on your own admission of what happened between you she doesn't feel secure in bed with you. For her to do that is another example of her not hating you, otherwise she would have just said suffer in your futon.
Another example, the hottub thing, regardless if the touch was "clinical" or not (what are you looking for, erotic massage? hand job?), she tried to help you with your back pain, that was nice of her. So you've quote 3 things she's done that were nice to you, regardless of the size of the deed or the feeling behind it, all 3 things I've mentioned are nice things she did for you because technically she didn't have to do any of them - can you at least see that much?
Name 3 things you did for her that were nice recently.
Small steps, baby steps.
You still have a sound of urgency, I need this now, I need this turned around, I need my wife to love me, she has to be this way with me otherwise I can't believe she loves me, etc.
Stop controlling her (or attempting to at any rate), just control yourself, be a good person for you first & foremost. If the opportunity arises for you to do something nice for her (without supplicating her or acting wimpy/wussy in the process) go ahead and do it and don't expect anything back for it, just do it because you love her and you want her to enjoy your gift.
Robx - I always appreciate your blunt comments. Seriously.
I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree on the futon/bed thing. I really think it's a matter of respect for my wife and that has been an issue in the past - her feeling disprespected by me.
Those 3 nice things she did for me. I think I did not appreciate them enough. And you are right. You don't do that for someone you hate. So...she may have said that a couple days ago and maybe even felt it then, but not over the weekend.
Gotta admit - can't name 3 nice things I did for her this weekend.
As for how I am today - I am still working on the urgency thing. I do have a better sense of overall calm. I am learning to take one day at a time (I am a planner!!) and appreciate the small things.
My wife's was throwing up blood again Monday and having severe stomach pains. We have spent the last couple of days at the hospital getting no where. Lots of tests, but no results.
This puts everything into persepctive. Seeing her so ill makes me realize that there are much worse things in life than a possible divorce. Of course, I still want things to be better, but also know they could be much worse.
Right now nothing matters except her getting better.
We have an appt to see a specialist tomorrow. Hoping to get some answers.
As I mentioned earlier, right now dbing is not my major concern...but I did get an odd text today - "look at you turning into the caring, doting hubby'. And no, it wasn't sarcastic.
I hate to think that me simply doing what a husband should do in a time of crisis is a big deal to my wife. Although I must admit that there were times in the past with other medical issues (and there have been many for her) that I wasn't there for her at all.
More nothing from the uroligist today. My wife is getting very frustrated and we have no idea what to do next.
She was in a very bad mood after the appt today. I said little, other than "we can"t give up". I think all her health issues may contribute to her wanting to divorce. It's all too much for her.
One note: I am back to sleeping in our bed. But...I wasn't really ivited back. It's been more out of necessity - first due to my back problem (which is better now) and now due to my wife's illness. So..by default I have reached one of my goals, but it doesn't count. I was thinking of going back to sleeping on the futon, but I think that was just create a situation that is not needed. It could even lead to an R talk and we don't need that.
I am trying to remain positive and be a bright spot in my wife's life, but I think she just wants out of everything.
