How can I make sure he trusts what changes he sees? He says he really doesn't trust himself - because he felt like he "believed me before when I said I'd change" and ultimately things did not change. He feels stupid for trusting me so the issue is he doesn't even want to trust what's in front of his face for fear of "being duped again".
You can't make him do anything. All you can do is make the changes in you, and live them. This will take time.
One important thig is that you have to make the changes for YOU, and not because you want to influence him. He will see through it if you are only doing it for him.
I'm trying! I realize I have a major problem doing things just for me - esp. when I focus on many things I have done wrong in my M in the past. I guess I want to be able to show him a new way of relating to him, and that will take time. Meanwhile, I am struggling to forgive myself for my past wrongs and it's hard. I royally screwed things up and didn't really get it until I almost lost him. How do I ever forgive myself for that? How do I care for myself when I'm so mad at myself? I guess this is my big growth lesson.
And my IC today reminded me that no matter what H says, he IS showing up here a lot. He is talking more openly. He is spending family time. This is huge progress from a month ago when we rarely talked and when we did, we fought! He hasn't filed for D yet....etc.
And yet, I need to be ok no matter what. I know this. It's as hard for me as it is for any of us on this board.
I know you are all right though in telling me this weekend that I need to do these things for me - not checking over my shoulder constantly to see if H recognizes.
Figuring out what I want and need - drawing boundaries - doing things for myself no matter what H does. And the biggie - forgiving myself for the mistakes in my M.
Thanks everyone. I am making those changes and it feels good.
Crazy up for today = H got his car fender-hit by an old man AND STAYED CALM. I am so impressed that he came over tonight and wasn't screaming at the top of his lungs.
S and I had made pie - we all crashed out together on the couch with full and happy tummies. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. The way to my H's stomach is through pie.
I'm leary of this high but dare I say I feel happy and content!
I royally screwed things up and didn't really get it until I almost lost him. How do I ever forgive myself for that? How do I care for myself when I'm so mad at myself? I guess this is my big growth lesson.
"Hope, I forgive Hope." You can't change the past.
One of my favorite quotes from here is about forgiveness. And it was that "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past." Learn from your past, but let it go.
Quote:
And yet, I need to be ok no matter what. I know this. It's as hard for me as it is for any of us on this board.
This is a process and it takes time. You need patience in many areas of your life right now.
THanks Bill. I kinda snapped back - shouldn't have - I guess It's back to "I forgive Hope". He's in back room avoiding me. I need to go to sleep. Kills me to go to sleep after he's bit my head off. I'll hold it high, bitten and all. Thanks Bill.
I think it would help you get started with detaching.
One thing you should focus on is accepting this truth: You, alone, are responsible for your happiness. Not H, not kids, not dog, not cat. YOU.
If you can truly accept, and live by, this simple truth, your happiness is no longer dependant on your H's moods/comments/actions. Which makes it easier to let H's negative comments roll off your back. I would venture a guess that once he sees he is no longer getting to you with his negative comments, he will stop making them.
