Have you tried DB coaching? I found them greatly helpful and specific in their advice. As much as I loved my pro-M T, and give him a lot of credit, I have to say the single best thing for my sitch was the DB coaching.... it costs about the same at T does around here. Besides, divorce costs way more.
I'd strongly suggest you try them b/c they'll even assign you someone with more insight into your type of issue. The whole mental health stuff in your sitch throws me a bit so I feel like you need some prof help here. I mean, this is not the typical WAS at all. And she has a documented past history of problems....so.
Good luck, j-
Hi 25. I have been thinking of trying one, but was afraid they wouldn't have someone that would understand the mental health side of this. But if you think they would have a specialist for this, I definitely would think of trying it.
Thanks again 25.
Can someone explain to me what part of Tristan's wife's behavior isn't typical WAS behavior?
From what Tristan has posted thus far, it sounds to me like TEXTBOOK WAS BEHAVIOR.
Muscle & Fitness Magazine. Get to the Gym. Develop a new exercise routine. Get your mind off your wife. Enjoy the Hardness.
Rob asked "what part of Tristan's wife's behavior isn't typical WAS behavior?" I think you might also want to be asking yourself, what is atypical of her boyfiend's behavior and the story as you think you know it.
What divorced man pursues a married subordinant coworker for two years for just a little "kissing?" I think he would have become bored with your wife if that was all she was putting out. Is your wife that great on the phone that he would try and convince to leave her marriage for more phone conversation. Think about it.
I think there is alot to this story you do not know about and refuse to see. That said, your wife's behavior is very typical of someone entrenched in a long term affair; the aneixty, the depressive episodes, wavering back and forth, holding info back from the MC, needing space and wanting to move out after she sees the OM, making love to you so you don't become too suspicious. I bet her boyfriend doesnt question if she is bipolar.
Quote:
Is there much I can do about it?
I say dump her and do it quick. Right now she is enjoying alot of freedom and space. She probably has few worries and knows you are her back up plan. She probably lays in bed at night talking with her boyfriend; And knows if she needs cash or a car you will be there for her, hoping that will win her back. What if she was faced with the dilemma that Tristan no longer cared and no longer wanted to wait around for seconds. She would have alot of concerns and worries and probably would be thinking about you alot more than she is now.
Quote:
Dating? I can't do it. I would be a horrible date right now anyway.
Why not, I'm not going to tell your wife. And if she did find out it would probably bust up her affair alot quicker than what you have been doing thus far. Find someone else who is a "horrible date right now" also and you can practice on eachother.
Tristan you aren't a control freak, so don't worry about the label. If you were really in control of everything, your wife would be at home and you would have the greatest relationship you could possibly have with her - currently she's not at home, I would say that settles any arguments about the control issue.
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i love this!
me 30 WAW 30 M 8 yrs T 9.5 yrs
3 cats 9,6,6
W left 5/31/09 W stopped most contact 06/26/09 W filed 7/22/09 (haven't been served)
[quote=tristan][quote=ryepatch]watch as she will try to get back what she gave up, it will happen. my wife also has bi-polar tendencies, depression, moods flipping back & forth between anger, sadness, happiness (wash, rinse & repeat) and she also had friends which encouraged her to pursue the single life which was exciting. The problem is after a while those friends faded away (they ultimately found other people to influence, got into their own relationships or got bored with the friends they had) and after a while I smartened up, I was labeled a control freak originally but in the end after alot of heavy duty analysis on my part, the real control freak was my wife, not me. After I put my foot down, said enough was enough, wouldn't put up with her ways, I started dating, seeing other women, enjoying life, going to the gym, looking better, feeling better, shopping, taking care of myself, spending time with friends, getting a life and really enjoying life and realizing that I had been holding back a part of my life which should have always been a priority, things changed. My wife changed, and she was the one who started pursuing me.
rob,
i don't know if you've looked at my thread, my wife isn't having an affair (everyone's pretty sure about that), but otherwise it's kind of similar. her single, divorced friends she's living with and hanging out with are definitely pushing her.
wondering if what you said above applies to my sitch.
tristan,
hang in there. someday we'll be vindicated! there's a difference between control and nurturing love, they just don't see it.
me 30 WAW 30 M 8 yrs T 9.5 yrs
3 cats 9,6,6
W left 5/31/09 W stopped most contact 06/26/09 W filed 7/22/09 (haven't been served)
Started my day out with a 4 mile run. Robx must be right about my testosterone levels, because my runs aren't close to what they use to be.
Got to work rather early so I could be at home in time to pick up girls. I did find a replacement for the pendant I lost on Saturday and put in an order. W stopped by daycare to drop of carseat. Girls saw her car and wanted to go see her. We stop by.
M: "What did you do to your hair?" W: "I ruined it." M: "It looks fine." W: "I'm going to change it back."
She has dyed her hair to a much lighter brown. It doesn't look bad. In fact I think it was close to that color when I met her, it is just quite a bit different. That was about the extent of our conversation today.
When W left, D3 had a meltdown. She wanted to go with mommy. She got over it after a while. The girls and I watched Witch Mountain this evening and then went to bed. Not too bad for their first night alone with me.
Started my day out with a 4 mile run. Robx must be right about my testosterone levels, because my runs aren't close to what they use to be.
Got to work rather early so I could be at home in time to pick up girls. I did find a replacement for the pendant I lost on Saturday and put in an order. W stopped by daycare to drop of carseat. Girls saw her car and wanted to go see her. We stop by.
M: "What did you do to your hair?" W: "I ruined it." M: "It looks fine." W: "I'm going to change it back."
She has dyed her hair to a much lighter brown. It doesn't look bad. In fact I think it was close to that color when I met her, it is just quite a bit different. That was about the extent of our conversation today.
When W left, D3 had a meltdown. She wanted to go with mommy. She got over it after a while. The girls and I watched Witch Mountain this evening and then went to bed. Not too bad for their first night alone with me.
Rob, right?! It can't be.
LOL!
Tristan, from now on call me "Rob", no need to add the x anymore, my name isn't Malcolm ;-)
As for me being right, it happens, I'm not 100% all the time but I pride myself on the education I've afforded myself in the past 2 years on this whole topics of WAW's, affairs, the changes in men & women in their 30s, why affairs happen, the things to do to turn things around, the things not to do, being masculine, being a man, not being an a$$hole or a prick, body language, lies, deception, etc.
I would really love it if you would take some of our advice and try it - you have nothing to lose at this point. By your own admission, you would be a "poor date", great, all the better reason to do it, time to pump up your confidence and get it going in the right direction.
I'm not asking you to sleep with another woman. I'm not asking you to get romantically involved. I'm asking you to turn your situation around, I'm asking you not to spend 1-2 years learning this and to learn from our experiences: a smart man learns from his experiences, a smarter man learns from the experiences of others so that he doesn't have to repeat the same mistakes to achieve the same results.
Im asking you to date other women.
I'm asking you to review Steve McQueen's post several times because I couldn't have put it in better words myself (puppy, I think that post deserves your 4 whistles award).
Think about it, review it, examine it, think about it.
People who have affairs will lie to their spouses, admitting the gory details of the affair and how far it's actually progressed is something most WAW's would never admit to unless they are forced to.
She's on many meds, I hear you, I've been through that with my own wife, your thread is the one that interests me the most out of all of these because it mirrored my own situation more closely than any of the others.
I can't force you to do anything. In fact I don't want to either. I am only excited to be able to offer you the insight and advantage of my own experience because our situations are so similar so you don't have to drag your sorry behind for several months until you get it in your head to actually try this.
Stop supplicating your wife and enabling her behaviors because she has "mental health issues".
You want to lift your wife out of the fog she's in, give her a dose of the medicine she's been feeding you but remain in control during the entire time. View her responses, watch as your own behaviors and confidence improve, watch as your self-respect & self-value grow by leaps & bounds because you start to realize how valuable a person you really are - you currently let your wife determine your value which is why you are stuck in limbo, trying to decide what you should do with yourself while your wife enjoys the "company" of another man.
Whatever you do, realize that action is required in some form or another, good intentions will get you no where.
I feel fine, thank you. I talked to IC today and told him that I had signed up for a "Single Parents Group" online. I then mentioned that I felt a little uncomfortable about it after receiving several responses (all from women) saying things similiar to "Can't wait to meet you!" He thought it was a good idea to go to the events; saying I can't isolate myself while also mentioning that I will be vulnerable and to be careful.
So it may not be dating, but it is socializing with the opposite sex. For now, I would say it is a happy medium.
Tristan you aren't a control freak, so don't worry about the label. If you were really in control of everything, your wife would be at home and you would have the greatest relationship you could possibly have with her - currently she's not at home, I would say that settles any arguments about the control issue.
i love this! [/quote]
A control freak isn't someone who accomplishes control of others, it's someone who desires to control others, needs to control others, feels justified in controlling others. How much they achieve has nothing to do with it. There are small tyrants everywhere, ever been to a PTA meeting? lol.
BTW, I don't think you're a control freak either, tristan, I just thought that was an odd way to define it.
Was able to get the girls out the door by 7:30 this morning. Had a decent day at work. Talked to the IC about my first week seperated. Told him that I was doing better than I had expected and about going from being intimate to essentially NC overnight.
He wanted to know my plan. Hmmmm, don't I get a little more time than a week to come up with a plan for my life after my wife walks out on me? I guess not. That's when I told him about my plans for Gal'ing. Beyond that I am just going to settle into my new life.
He seemed to be pretty pessimistic about the prospects for our marriage. I am guessing he knows a little more than I about our relationship because he can share info with my wife's IC (they are part of the same clinic).
I took had the girls again tonight. We watched another movie tonight. This time I put a sheet out over the floor with a bunch of pillows. I ended up being the pillow for the girls. It was nice, but still not the family it used to be. I will need to do something more than movies for entertainment pretty soon. I am just trying to get into a flow right now.
I sent W an e-mail this morning: --- Hi. Girls did fine last night. We all watched “Witch Mountain”. D3 ended up in my bed. -T
She replied: --- Thanks! Glad to hear it
That was it for our communication today. Strange how things change in a week.
