I'm so impatient - he's not fully back and god I want him - he still lives somewhere else and swears there's an OW - although I don't see her ! Remember the Brady Bunch - when Jan made up that she had a boyfriend so that people would think she was desirable enough to have a bf? I call H's OW "George Glass" b'c he is accountable for himself 99% of the time.
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He swears George Glass won't be going - and offers to be up front about who is going with him. But rubs my face in it that I"m not invited.
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And, although he swears no OW is going - he boasts "now that we are separated I have every right to go with who I want and spend whatever money I want." Now why does he need to strut this independance at the very time he is back and acting more like my H than he has in six months? I guess I have to "Keep ironing and watching family guy" - just seem to hardly notice that he's going to the RF without me. But it gets my goat - I guess that is why he's doing it? I have no idea. Advice people?
Hope,
I think you may be on to something. As a very confident man myself, I would never find the need to "announce" to anyone- including to my W whom I'm separated from (not me, him) -that I'm romantically involved with another W. Your H is motivated by a lack of confidence in himself and probably the sitch he finds himself in. There may or may not actually be OW- it's possible that your H is pulling your leg in order to gain some advantage over you and/or control (in his mind at least) over the sitch. Even if there is an OW, why wouldn't he want to take her to the RF? That part doesn't quite make sense.
I'm curious- what would happen if you went on a (friend) date with another guy to the RF yourself?
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Hope, Legally speaking, your H is DEAD WRONG. He can NOT date other women. It's marital misconduct. Until he files he's still married. And if you can prove he's spending money on another woman....that's big trouble for him. Big trouble.
Had "family day" - H was super stressed but trying in his own way not to take it out on me - still brought me down, but no yelling. Just trying to get through and be glad he's here.
Had a big talk - he still maintains I've "said I'm changing before and I didn't" and that "he doesn't trust the changes will be for real" but for the first time ever when I asked "well how will you know I've changed if you are not even willing to trust the changes you see" he admitted that his IC told him he may know in his gut. He is a very intellectual nerd type guy so he looks at "odds" that I will change and says they don't look good. But he admitted his IC may be right - that he will know in his gut and will be able to trust it.
That is a change, people.
And, he and I talked a tad bit more openly about our sexual problems. Before he wouldn't even talk about them. He just said nothing will change and shut down. BUt he opened up and said that there have been problems from the beginning - again with the "if they haven't changed in eight years, they never will" but with an openness to question what it might look like were we to work through these problems - theoretically, of course.
It's not much. It's not hte big romantic running back to my arms and swearing undying love and committment to me but it's baby steps. It gives me a tiny little wee ray of hope after quite a dark day.
Baby steps are good Hope! I expect my H is wondering if my changes are either "good changes" or "revenge" at the moment, I have spent twenty eight years telling him "I wont accept used goods back" and "I'd take him to the cleaners" only in jest mind you, but with serious under tones, and now hes left Im not doing it, although I always believed I would if that makes sense. Im doing NC at the moment, he phones about once a week, gets minimal info outta me and I dont want to know anything about him (my biggest 180). But bearing in mind he (and your H) has changed completely they cant say we cant/wont after all these years.. The good thing about a bomb is that it destroys every thing so its an opportune time to rebuild from scratch and of course CHANGE!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
That could be a good sign. Just be careful that you are not the one bringing up the discussion about your changes. He won't believe them if you tell him what you have changed. He will only believe them if you show him you've changed by living the changes.
I second what GIMA said, those little steps could be a good sign. Don't under any circumstances try to point out to your H the positive changes you have made. For that matter, don't do any thinking on his behalf (something I've had to learn the hard way in my own sitch). Let him come to his own conclusions about things.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Yes, folks, true. I haven't gotten too much into my changes but I did feel the need to say that I hope he sees them. I didn't itemizes them but my fear is that even though I am changing H doesn't trust it or want to see it. He justifies them away. Meanwhile, he's having legal papers written up and I'm losing time.
How can I make sure he trusts what changes he sees? He says he really doesn't trust himself - because he felt like he "believed me before when I said I'd change" and ultimately things did not change. He feels stupid for trusting me so the issue is he doesn't even want to trust what's in front of his face for fear of "being duped again".
