A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[dolphin_05]

Fantastic news Dia. It makes me wonder what I might achieve if I took a slowly, slowly approach....more later as I'd like your feedback

[dolphin_05]

Ok Dia, so I'm back. A brief summary..... H has ow who is an employee. H occasionally works in the business although was f/time at the commencement of the A. He doesn't live with ow and what I can establish is that he visits/stays over once or twice a week, usually coinciding with his visits to work.

H appears to be very much in selfish mode.

H has always maintained that he wants to be friends. We have maintained open communication with regards to the kids. He has shown lots of positive actions towards me-fixed things around the house, did my tax, drop in visits, family dinners, dinner with me after S's formal, visits to me in hospital, drive us to the airport etc etc. Unfortunately, these acts of service also come with major pull backs and large doses of cake eating along the way.

My problem is that I am impatient and I can keep at it for so long and then I pressure him and he retreats monumentally. Slow learner!

The advice of many has been to have nc and I can see the merit in this and have had nc for 3 weeks. That's fine and I feel better for the space. However, I'm not feeling I am making any progress. Perhaps I am; however, H is particularly stubborn and in reality I cannot see him initiating contact.

So, in reading your progress while I applaud each time there's a step forward in your relationship I also recognise it's been from your thoughtful and considered approach. Your H has simply responded along the way (and great responses, too!!)

So I wonder about your opinion given your recent experiences; do I reinitiate contact, this time being much more patient and give it one last shot or do I maintain the nc? I know that if I reinitiate contact I am going against the Gucci type advice and not forcing him to make a choice but I am also aware that if I take your tact eventually he's going to have to make a choice anyway.

Confused?? I am!

Thanks,

Cas

[The Wifey]

Cas,

I will let Dia advise you how she will, but I will caution you very strongly not to base your next action on the action/progress is another sitch. I know it is so hard to be patient, but what works in one sitch could be poison in another.

At this point you aren't asking him to make a choice. You are giving yourself and he space to think and feel.

Let him initiate the contact. With the kids in the picture, he will, even if you are sure he won't. In the meantime, journal all of your thoughts, what you would like to say or do.

[The Wifey]

Dia,

I am so very thrilled for you. Baby steps are the hardest steps to take, but as you've shown, each baby step adds to the next.

[Dia]

Hiya, Cas,

I just got back from my drive, and between that and the cold, I'm brain dead. I will respond at greater length tomorrow. For now, tho, I'd stay with the NC. H and I were NC for vast stretches of time and I think, leaving our adventures with OPs aside, that the time away was GOOD for us. It allowed us to solidify as separate, independent, well-adjusted people.

Here's another of my 'patience' mantra, in case it helps. I told myself that if these days in the house with H were the last ones I was ever going to spend with him, then gosh darnit, I was going to enjoy them just as they were and not do anything to spoil them (meaning pushing, being angsty, angry, sad, resentful, etc.) I wasn't perfect for sure - my rants and vents here show that - but I do think the overall attitude helped.

Not meant as a 2x4, but from a place of caring - use the time away to work on the stuff that makes you get impatient and push. The times when H gave the most ground or came the closest were the times when I completely let go of whatever it was I was wanting or pushing for.

As far as OW, the only time I ever even mentioned her or their R was the time I told him it hurt me when he talked about her in front of me. Other than that, I pretended she didn't exist. We've also not had a single R talk in the time I've been here.

Ok - more later! Hang in there.

[Dia]

I'm back on the couch. Sigh.

It's not a pullback so much as it is an abundance of caution on his part. He was on his computer and I wanted to go to bed. I'm sick and I'm tired from a grueling weekend. So I asked him casually and politely if he wanted me back on the couch. He said yes, that would be best for him.

And yes, I did have a few minutes of dumbfounded panic. But after those minutes, I was ok. I mentally reset all of my expectation meters back to ZERO. It helped that we met in the hall while I was getting my blankets and he strongly implied that it was temporary.

H: I'm sorry about the couch. I just don't want my body making decisions for me until we've had a chance to talk some things out.

Dia <reassuringly>: It's ok. It's absolutely ok. I understand, and I'm not upset.

H <relieved>: Good. I was afraid you'd be hurt.

Dia: Nope. Slow is good. Slow is smart.

H: <initiates really nice hug complete with stroking my hair and the fingers trailing, hand holding thing>

All in all, it's probably for the best. If he doesn't already have this cold, maybe he won't get it.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dia

I can understand your panic and am glad you were able to keep a cool head.

At least he indicated it was temporary which is a really good sign.

You are certainly a master in the art of DBing.

[dolphin_05]

Thanks Dia and wifey. Appreciate your feedback. I never mention ow at all to H. I was interested in your perspective, Dia given the fact that you have had periods of nc prior to you moving back to H's house. I am just trying to consider all perspectives before I do anything or do nothing! I am certainly not trying to replicate your success as I am astutue enough to know all situations are different and certainly I do not have the same skills you have and nor do I have the opportunity as a housemate.

As for the couch...you've been patient for so long and I think your H speaks sense here. Go with it. Let it all unfold as it should.

Thanks,

Cas

[Lost Rabbit]

Morning Dia, from my POV I would take it as a compliment from H that he is not willing to "cake eat" at this time, slow & smart perfect words in reply!

[The Wifey]

And on another note, he isn't willing to let his body think for him. That at least lets you know his body is in the game. I for one think that is a good thing. And, it is extremely respectful of you and your new relationship that he made that distinction.