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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: theroadback
What Stuck said...

My wife thought I went out with someone the other night (I did not) She initiated not one but three R talk's in one day (she has not initiated an R talk in over a year)

It works.


Stuck/TRB,

Thanks for the feedback guys. I don't if anything will work on my W right now, she is incredibly confused and deluded right now. (See my post above.)


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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She IS deluded. This is your mantra.

I dont' know how it works in your state, but here in California, the court wants both parents involved as much as possible and this means they want to have each parent have 50-50% custody. If she tries to bait you with L talk - do what I didn't do last weekend. REfuse to talk about it at all. Tell her whatever she puts in writing you will give to your L. And then talk to your L about your rights.

Any father who wants to be a huge part of their children's life should be. My L reassured me that the courts' main focus is the wellbeing of the children. And that means two involved parents!

Im so sorry you saw those emails to OM. God that would kill me. Anyone who thinks running to an OP when just reacting off of their spouse IS delusional. That's all it is - a reaction. Those brain chemicals someone was talking about earlier in the thread are for real. They cloud people's thinking. Try to stay calm. We;re here.


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Him: 43

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Even though my H is the one filing papers, and as PISSSSSSED as this makes me - I will not comprimise my S. Just remember how a sane person would view this. I want my S to have as much of his father as he needs. I also want to spend as little $$ as possible. IF this means throwing less at a L so that I get a little less in the end, fine by me. The D is a big waste of $$ and if she wants to throw money away fighting about it, she is crossing her emotions with rationality. DELUSIONAL>


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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
She IS deluded. This is your mantra.

I dont' know how it works in your state, but here in California, the court wants both parents involved as much as possible and this means they want to have each parent have 50-50% custody. If she tries to bait you with L talk - do what I didn't do last weekend. REfuse to talk about it at all. Tell her whatever she puts in writing you will give to your L. And then talk to your L about your rights.

Any father who wants to be a huge part of their children's life should be. My L reassured me that the courts' main focus is the wellbeing of the children. And that means two involved parents!

Im so sorry you saw those emails to OM. God that would kill me. Anyone who thinks running to an OP when just reacting off of their spouse IS delusional. That's all it is - a reaction. Those brain chemicals someone was talking about earlier in the thread are for real. They cloud people's thinking. Try to stay calm. We;re here.


Hope,

Actually I'm here in California too. You are right about the courts to a certain degree, although I understand that there is still a bias to some extent against fathers. Guess I'll be finding out soon enough.

Yes, it hurts to see the email but like everything else with my W's A....it's not real. I will be OK. If I do get D'd, I will be a great catch for some other woman. It's my kids I worry about the most.

Thanks for the feedback and support Hope.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Remember, beleive none of what you hear, and half of what you see. I would say that your W and OM are telling each other what they want to hear. I would beleive none of it, but at the same time, take steps to protect yourself. It's time to get all of you ducks in a row and be the adult. It's like having a teenager in the house!


Make sure you keep a record of all these emails if you can.


Formerly SGfan
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Remember, beleive none of what you hear, and half of what you see. I would say that your W and OM are telling each other what they want to hear. I would beleive none of it, but at the same time, take steps to protect yourself. It's time to get all of you ducks in a row and be the adult. It's like having a teenager in the house!


Make sure you keep a record of all these emails if you can.



Thanks SG. Exactly my take on it. I know that during the course of the A my W has been showering OM with positive affirmations i.e. "You are a great person", "You are a winner", etc. I'm sure he has been doing the same. Both of them have self-esteem issues, that is part of the mutual attraction.

California is a no-fault D state so the emails are of little value.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: BigJohn


Actually I'm here in California too. You are right about the courts to a certain degree, although I understand that there is still a bias to some extent against fathers. Guess I'll be finding out soon enough.

Yes, it hurts to see the email but like everything else with my W's A....it's not real. I will be OK. If I do get D'd, I will be a great catch for some other woman. It's my kids I worry about the most.

Thanks for the feedback and support Hope.


I'm with you. I worry about my S sooooo much. Waaay more than I worry about me. I'll be fine. He is a tiny innocent victim.

What does your lawyer say? I am curious. My L said what I told you that the courts are not biased against the father if anything they really encourage the father being there more than less.

As far as the email s- I would be tempted too. However, I ask myself this when I'm tempted to snoop about the OP - "Do I really want to know?" Guessing is painful. Knowing is worse.

Do you really want to do that to yourself?

Remember, WE are the great catches. Is she really in love iwth this bozo, or is she using him as a fantasy to boost her self esteem? My guess is the latter. That's what gets me through the night when I worry about OW. I figure there's no way they are in love and god help her if she is stuck with him. He is no walk in the park. But having a fling can be anything you want it to when it's full of fantasy - not really knowing the other person. Not facing both sides of the person, the good and bad. When it's all mutual flattery it is not based in reality. It's like a drug. And drugs wear off, my friend.


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Quote:
What does your lawyer say? I am curious. My L said what I told you that the courts are not biased against the father if anything they really encourage the father being there more than less.


Hope,

You are right in that things are changing with regards to the treatment of fathers in family court, however there is still some bias albeit not nearly as bad as it was 10-15 years ago.

Quote:
Remember, WE are the great catches. Is she really in love iwth this bozo, or is she using him as a fantasy to boost her self esteem? My guess is the latter. That's what gets me through the night when I worry about OW. I figure there's no way they are in love and god help her if she is stuck with him. He is no walk in the park. But having a fling can be anything you want it to when it's full of fantasy - not really knowing the other person. Not facing both sides of the person, the good and bad. When it's all mutual flattery it is not based in reality. It's like a drug. And drugs wear off, my friend.


Looking at OM and knowing what I know about him I can only conclude that it has to be fantasy with my W.

Thanks Hope.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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I think you are still too nice to her. When she is giving you all that cr@p about her suffering in her A, why don't you tell her what you are thinking instead of holding it in? She needs to hear the truth about herself!

As far as the OM goes, he gets off the hook in all of this b/c she's done just exactly what he wanted. But, she is so deep in her fog until "any" other man will do for her and her email said that!

I know you still have feelings for her, but I hope you will not give in to her and let her get her way about things. She needs to hear the facts about what kind of "mother" she is. She isn't living in the right century to think that kids automatically go with the mother. Oh, she gets me stired up! You are a nicer person than me, BJ.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think you are still too nice to her. When she is giving you all that cr@p about her suffering in her A, why don't you tell her what you are thinking instead of holding it in? She needs to hear the truth about herself!


Sandi,

I've already told her several times in the past what I think about her and her behavior. She either doesn't get, is in denial and/or doesn't care. Repeating myself isn't going to get me anywhere; actions will. I don't know how long it is going to take for it to sink into her head that I mean business. When I said I was done with her crap, I meant it. Unfortunately, I think one of the drawbacks of being "understanding" these past six months has been the development of a false sense of confidence in my W. That is going to change.

Quote:
As far as the OM goes, he gets off the hook in all of this b/c she's done just exactly what he wanted. But, she is so deep in her fog until "any" other man will do for her and her email said that!


If there is one thing OM is good at, it's being manipulative and skilled in avoiding any accountability. As far as my W's comments go, some of this may have been for both her benefit as well as OM's benefit so he can feel like he is exiting the A as "Mr. Big Shot". Regardless, if my W really thinks she can do better than me, then go for it! I'm an all around great catch- that's not just a positive affirmation, it is the truth!

Quote:
I know you still have feelings for her, but I hope you will not give in to her and let her get her way about things. She needs to hear the facts about what kind of "mother" she is. She isn't living in the right century to think that kids automatically go with the mother. Oh, she gets me stired up! You are a nicer person than me, BJ.


No, I'm looking out for my interests and my kids interests now.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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