Couple of things...I agree w/what Steve said above as to what you may be doing to improve things however you asked me here for a specific point of view... Reading what I have read, there is no doubt in my mind your wife has some form of bipolar (I am leaning with II or possibly Unipolar) however that isn't an excuse to drop the bombs she has...
I threw Unipolar in there based on the age at which she was diagnosed (generally later then with Bipolar)...
A person with any of these "polars", myself included is very selfish in their thinking...It is all about them...
"Statements like "I don't know why I am leaving you. I love you so much." don't sound like they are coming from someone simply caught up in an A."
Perfect example...Not only is she caught up in the A, she is also caught up in her own mind...Again that isn't an excuse simply because no matter how imbalanced her mind is, it is treatable - Hence the mood stabilizers...
Now mood stabilizers w/anti-depressants may be the best thing for her - That is what I take now...For a long time I only took a mood stabilizer - Lithium (because I wasn't ever prone to much of the depression side of things)...
I have gotten about 1/2 through your posts and will say I applaud you for the way you have treated your wife with respect concerning her sexual assault...I had the same thing happen to me at 16 and only recently started dealing with it.
Is your wife on meds at this time? (it may say however I started reading at the beginning so I could grasp the whole situation)...I will continue reading/posting as well. I do hope this is helping.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Yes. She started Celexa in December for the depression, which she always battled. They added Lamictal in June that really seemed to help. But after a month she had an allergic reaction that could be fatal, so she immediately stopped it. That really affected her mood. It took over a week to get Abilify prescribed (her psych was on vacation). That seemed to stabilize her mood, but she still decided to move out. She has continued to take Celexa the whole time.
This all very much helps. I hadn't read anything about selfish thinking in bipolars. That is new to me. Does this come only in the manic or depressive stages or is it all the time? Do the meds help or do you just learn to control it?
I am sorry to hear about your assault. I hope you are able to find peace, I know my W still struggles with it.
Thank you for your kind words...I search for peace every day and I am ok with where I am at this stage, some days are better then others...
Lamictal - Wasn't a fan...
Never had Celexa and I have taken Abilify as well...
Right now I take Geodon (antipsychotic used for bipolar as well as schizophrenia), Buspar for depression and Niravam (Xanax) for panic attacks...
Yes the meds help however it is in combination with sleep/therapy/stress relief etc...
Selfish thinking - Not a symptom of it however it goes along with it...
If it isn't under control and stable/then you are thinking all about you and how this is affecting you and how you feel...
If it isn't treated/it can consume you...
Your thoughts/actions/emotions get the better of you, that is when paranoia sets in and you begin to think everyone/everything is out to get you including your own mind and that will then possibly lead to suicidal thoughts...
I have tried for over 20 years to control it however each time it ends up controlling me...
Until I accepted the fact that I would be this way for life, that I would be medicated for life, I let it consume me...
Now I don't...I take my meds...Make sure I get enough sleep...I don't drink or use drugs and I see a psych Dr. every 6 weeks...My faith has been what has sustained me throughout this...Without that, there isn't enough medication in the world to get me through this...
There is no "magic pill" she can take, get all better, then go back to the person she used to be and come home...
I don't want to be a downer however the choices ultimately are hers with or without the bipolar, she is still choosing her course of actions...
Her emotions being amplified aren't helping matters but in the end don't let her use that to justify her actions because no matter how it is spun, there is no justification for her behavior (I don't mean to be so blunt)...
This I learned the hard way...
Ok back to reading
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
If it isn't under control and stable/then you are thinking all about you and how this is affecting you and how you feel...
This I can identify with. Her feelings often play a major role in her thought process.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Your thoughts/actions/emotions get the better of you, that is when paranoia sets in and you begin to think everyone/everything is out to get you including your own mind
This has been especially true lately. She has even told me a couple times in the past month that she was being paranoid. A few months ago she was seeing illusions (ghosts or demons); I really began to think that she may be schizophrenic. She knew they were not real, but she really saw them.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Niravam (Xanax) for panic attacks...
My W was prescribed this after her panic attack as well. Do panic attacks tend to be a part of bipolar?
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
I don't want to be a downer however the choices ultimately are hers with or without the bipolar, she is still choosing her course of actions...
Her emotions being amplified aren't helping matters but in the end don't let her use that to justify her actions because no matter how it is spun, there is no justification for her behavior (I don't mean to be so blunt)...
I understand this. But you said that it took you 20 years to get it all sorted out. Doesn't she deserve a little extra time to get some of this stuff sorted out in her head? In the meantime I can GAL and detach. If she is bipolar, I understand that it is better for the spouse to be somewhat detached anyway. Then they are more emotionally prepared to deal with the depressive or manic episodes when they occur.
There's a reason it's not good to come off many (most) psychoative drugs cold turkey; bad stuff ensues. Obviously, in her case, she had no choice. But it's not to be wondered at that her emotions are still all over the place.
Selfish thinking seems to be a pretty constant feature in anyone suffering depression (speaking as someone who has done several rounds with "regular" depression, not bipolar.) It's not so much that the depressed person doesn't *care* about their family, friends, responsibilities, FITB ... it's just that the "background noise" of their own pain is so loud that it tends to drown everyone else's out. As an adult, don't look for too much care-taking from a depressed person; you'll be unlikely to get it and if you expect it, the pressure of expectation can seem like an intolerable burden to them. That's why self-care for you in your situation is so important.
There's not really a whole lot beyond good self-care that you can do about any of this, except what you're already doing. Be a good man and father, a stable individual, the better choice ... hopefully she will be able to get her own head together enough to recognize you as such.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
"But I had this problem of always needing her to be on a schedule. If she would go out and said she would be back by 6. I expected her to be back by 6. If it didn't happen that way, I would get upset and be trying to call her at 6:01. She still reminds me of a time when she spent a month trying to get time to go out with a girlfriend and when she finally was able to schedule a breakfast date on a Saturday and she returned 2 hours late - it ruined our whole weekend because I was so upset."
Tristan--just started reading your thread and i found this. this has happened over and over again with us. she'll say to me, you don't let me go out with your friends, you get so angry and controlling about it. i say, i'm angry cause you didn't call to say you'd be late. . . and we had plans for afterwards.
just wanted to throw that in there. i've read in a couple places bipolar people feel like their partners are controlling because they themselves are inconsistent, and it exacerbates the situation. my response to her depressive episodes has been to tighten up, try to make more rules. . . it's really backfired.
me 30 WAW 30 M 8 yrs T 9.5 yrs
3 cats 9,6,6
W left 5/31/09 W stopped most contact 06/26/09 W filed 7/22/09 (haven't been served)
Friday: No contact with W other than e-mail above. Went for a 4 mile run after work. Did some laundry and went out for a quick drink.
Saturday: Took girls to soccer this morning. D5 says she would rather do gymnastics instead. She says soccer has too much running, bummer. Oh well, there is still hope for D3.
When I dropped them off: D5: "Do you want to come up and see my new room." M: "Sorry, D5 I can't." D5: "Please." M: "Sorry." W: "You are welcome to come in." M: "You know I won't." W: nods head D3: "Where are you going daddy?" M: "I need to go home" ...
Going out of town to an old friend's place. He is having a party. Should be some old classmates there.
Have you tried DB coaching? I found them greatly helpful and specific in their advice. As much as I loved my pro-M T, and give him a lot of credit, I have to say the single best thing for my sitch was the DB coaching.... it costs about the same at T does around here. Besides, divorce costs way more.
I'd strongly suggest you try them b/c they'll even assign you someone with more insight into your type of issue. The whole mental health stuff in your sitch throws me a bit so I feel like you need some prof help here. I mean, this is not the typical WAS at all. And she has a documented past history of problems....so.
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In July, my W and I took a trip. During that trip she decided that she would quit her job and we would move several thousand miles away, my company was offering me the relocation, as a last ditch effort to get away from OM. It was a wonderful trip. The first day back from the trip, she resigned and told OM that she was done. We started preparing the house for sale and everything seemed to progressing well.
About a week after our return, she had the allergic reaction to her meds. Her friend told her that the move was a terrible idea and that she should explore her feelings instead. The MC also said the move was an impulsive decission and probably not a good idea. She went back to her job and started talking to OM again.
Anyway, on that trip, she bought me a little nordic medallion symbolizing inspiration & transformation. I have worn it around my neck everyday since. That is until this morning, the strap must have broke and the medallion is gone. I feel horrible about it. I know it is just a thing, but it meant so much to me... and her.
