Hope, You have to change your thinking. When he said the theater wasn't working out for him, you should have cut back. You've done that now. If he doesn't see it or doesn't want to give you credit for it, nothing you can do.
You're too old to be a liar.
Yes, when you say you are going to do something, do it. Trust is built in very small increments, slowly but surely.
That's my only point here STronger - and yes you are right on all accounts here and I hear you. But my point was, I'm trying to do what I say I will do to build trust. I said I would get up with S and I failed to make sure that happened. I had the intentions of doing it, but I didn't follow through on all the "what ifs" to make sure I could keep my word.
And so the trust building took a back step. Adn I'm worried. You know what I mean. My question is more, what to do when the trust building takes a step back?
I just read a few of your last posts and the lying thing is...WAS me to a tee. My husband didnt' like certain aspects of my life. I didn't want to change, so I hid those things from him and didn't tell him. When confonted, I'd lie every time, get caught and he would be so mad..ENRAGED. The lying, the changing yourself so that you are what everyone wants you to be so no one is unhappy with you, the self hatered? I found very good way to change those things about me. It's called CoDepencance anonymous. I realize that I am addicted to others. I am emmeshed in their lives and cannot detach enough to see who I am, who they are, what I want. Do you see how hard it is to even write what you want when Stronger asks you too? You quit something that you enjoyed because it made others upset. That isn't healthy by any stretch of the imagination. The bottom line is taht your H seems like a pretty unhappy fellow. Personally, I don't think much of that has anything to do with you but you've chosen to take it on as a task to make him happy. Listen to Stronger...you cannot make him happy. Only he can make him happy. Of course you can do things that celebrate him or help make the road you are both on smoother..but bending over backwards and inside out isn't going to help.
Please check out the CoDA website. Just look at what they say and see if what they say makes sense. Heck, what have you got to lose...right?
Take good care of yourself....of YOURself...of yourSELF. Get it???? Hugs to you..
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
THanks - I'm in a branch of that group "Love Addicts Annonymous" it's the same deal - how we throw ourselves away just to get love from someone else. I just started the group a month agao - have a long way to go.
and per your advice ladies, I'm going to pull out my guitar and start playing tonight. Learning guitar is something I want to do - for ME> nTHanks so much.
This idea of lack of responsibility goes back before OW - H has a habit, as does his whole family I might add - of an attitude of "they are doing this to screw me" "it's everyone else's fault" etc.
Now I am finally taking responsibility for things I should have seen a year ago or more in my own behavior, thoughts, attitudes, emotions. But H not only has WAS syndrome, he has the added stubborness and poor-me-ness of his character.
Hope,
These are traits I see in my W- not a good combination. They certainly make our jobs as LBSs much more difficult.
You are getting some great advice as usual from Stronger. When you make the changes you need to make for you- and not for someone else- that's the catalyst that makes everything fall into place.
Keep your chin up!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Baby steps: He tells me his disappointment clearly and calmly without explosion this morning. although I go into my usual panic mode, THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!!
He comes home for dinner starts down a bad path – criticizing me for not disciplining S enough, for offering coffee when there was none (making him late) - He says”Why do I bother to come over here” I defend us saying “Because he’s your son and he’s been like this constantly. It’s not just that I don’t discipline him - I discipline him constantly” and he says “See I shouldh’t trust you - you said there was coffee and now I don’t have time to get any before I leave tonight” and I said, “I told you I made coffee earlier. IF the cleaners dumped the coffee how would I know. That doesn’t mean I’m untrustworthy.” Teeny-tiny backbone?
Basically , he saw I was on his side disciplining S and he calmed down and talked to me. I just don’t trust him to stay calm. That is the problem. Here I am doing all this listening and validating and staying calm and he’s so unpredictable and moody. I’m doing all the work and listening to his crap. I wish I could walk away and tune him out when he’s so mean. My IC says he’s terrified and needs to learn to trust. So I keep trying but I'm tired.
I called H (he had left) when S was still freaking out about wanting candy instead of dinner and it went on for 30 minutes. H stayed on the phone with me and helped me through it. H didn’t criticize my parenting, he just helped me. It felt really supportive. AndI”m so paranoid this mystery girl is at his game tonight – but he was so open about where the game is, and what was going on. He didn't seem secretive at all.
It’s been working that I show interest in his life – his sci-fi shows, his role playing games, his computer stuff. It matters a lot to him. It shows I’m not as selfish as I once was. I try to really be open where I was closed. I just wanted us to do our own things before, this hurt him. He wanted to share more things. I’m trying.
It’s just the mean thing. And he’s telling his family this week that we’re separated. If he thought we’d get back together he wouldn’t be doing that. It’s so up and down. He said it's because he's just not a good liar and doesnt want to hide it. I told him "do what you need to do for yourself. Just don't paint a one-sided picture that makes me look like the bad guy." I'm feeling really scared about what my inlaws think but why should I. They have always been extremely distant - rarely taking part in our S's life, let alone ours,- and they are incredibly self-centered. It doesn't really matter what they think.
These are traits I see in my W- not a good combination. They certainly make our jobs as LBSs much more difficult.
You are getting some great advice as usual from Stronger. When you make the changes you need to make for you- and not for someone else- that's the catalyst that makes everything fall into place.
Keep your chin up!
THank you BJ. Yeah I have a realllllllly hard time with the stubborn, they're all out to get me, it's not my fault crap. It just doesn't register. I do the opposite. I always blame myself. I don't see short of dumping him what will make him see his immature attitude. But we can't make them see it. THey have to see it on their own.
Hope, Yes, you screwed up with the not waking up thing. But you know what, Sister? I think someone should give you some effing credit here and an effing break. If your H won't, they you should give it to yourself. Want to know why? Do you want to know why you over slept? BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED AND WORE OUT TOO!!
Your H is stressed at work? Really? You're not stressed at home?
Your S sounds like a handful. If your H has a better idea as to how to raise him then he needs to chime in and he needs to be there as much as possible. Otherwise, shut up. If he doesn't like the way things are going with S, then step up and he can try to tell a small child what to do. Small children are the most beautiful things in the world and they mean everything. HOWEVER, no one, not even my H can frustrate me faster than my 3 year old. No small child is easy. It takes sooooooo much to raise a person. I admire every stay at home mother and consider them to be the hardest working women I know. So if you won't do it, or you H won't do it, I will.
HOPE YOU ARE A DAMN GOOD WOMAN. YOU ARE A DAMN GOOD MOTHER.
At 34 I know this to be true because I've tested it time and time again: People aren't necessarily going to treat you the way you treat them. But people can will treat you the way you LET them.
Yeah, I guess you screwed up with the coffee, and the waking up. To the coffee, big deal. Get over it big boy.
Now, baby sets. Say what you're going to do and follow through.
Tell you what, my H ever asked me "Why do I come over here?" my response would be simple: "Because I'm here. And I'm worth the trip."
thank you STronger. WHy is it so hard to believe this? Why do I put myself down so much? Why is it if I don't hear that I'm worth coming over for, I don't believe I'm worth coming over for?
Yeah< H has a lot of good ideas on "how" to discipline S but I'm the one doing it 90% of the time. Don't get me wrong, H is a very involved father. Just that since he decided to run off, I'm doing a lot.
Guess what -= a month ago, H would have told me "See you never change" and stormed out. The other morning, he calmly communicated that this is the issue and he didn't run off. He came back. He b***tched and moaned today while we had "family day" but you know what? When we got home, H talked to me calmly again. Not the constant nitpicking and screaming and storming out of a month ago. He admitted his part in why he was stressed out and even said it wasn't me. That is a miracle, people. It's always someone else in his mind - usually me.
Then I demonstrated my 180's - remember all the crap about him wanting me to be cleaner and do more stuff around the house? I worked on organizing the garage and did some heavy yardwork - while he was here playing with S so he could see me!!!! He's not running away as much - he's coming back after arguments and owning up - and I keep reminding him how much I've changed in the not-blowing-my-temper catagory and he admitted he noticed.
I'm so impatient - he's not fully back and god I want him - he still lives somewhere else and swears there's an OW - although I don't see her ! Remember the Brady Bunch - when Jan made up that she had a boyfriend so that people would think she was desirable enough to have a bf? I call H's OW "George Glass" b'c he is accountable for himself 99% of the time.
Anyhow. Remember I said the other night when we talked for four hours H actually opened up to one thing that I did that hurt him a long time ago? Well this thing happened at the Rennaisance Faire. So today he brings up he wants to go to the Rennaisance Faire - emphasizing that I'm not invited because I humiliated him in public last year there. He swears George Glass won't be going - and offers to be up front about who is going with him. But rubs my face in it that I"m not invited.
So all my changes - he hasn't noticed that much.
And, although he swears no OW is going - he boasts "now that we are separated I have every right to go with who I want and spend whatever money I want." Now why does he need to strut this independance at the very time he is back and acting more like my H than he has in six months?
I guess I have to "Keep ironing and watching family guy" - just seem to hardly notice that he's going to the RF without me. But it gets my goat - I guess that is why he's doing it? I have no idea. Advice people?
Hope, Yes, you screwed up with the not waking up thing. But you know what, Sister? I think someone should give you some effing credit here and an effing break. If your H won't, they you should give it to yourself. Want to know why? Do you want to know why you over slept? BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED AND WORE OUT TOO!!
Your H is stressed at work? Really? You're not stressed at home?
THank you - being a stay-at-home-mom, I forget how this is work. I mean it is work for me, but I always feel so lucky to not be working (well I have a small pt job, but only while S is in preschool). I get time off when S is at preschool, so I forget that even though I am working around the house this is still work. And unpaid mind you.
Yeah, giving myself an effing break. Great idea. Now how do I do that again? lol
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the positive feedback, I really needed to hear it today and especially from another mom.
