W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[tristan]

Apologize for the scatological piling-on, but I agree with Coach.

Please pile on. I am here to learn.

[25yearsmlc]

Tristan, you are loving your wife in the only way you know how. What more can any woman ask of her husband? Don't worry about what other people think. It is your life and you have to live it.

Wow, well said. And you know, while there is some great advice here, your wife DOES have mental health issues. Depite that, she's not actually mean to you. It IS confusing to me too. Hard to advise. But this just occurred to me to ask you, Hypothetically....what would you do if a doctor said, "we found a pituitary tumor here on the CAT Scan and it affects her mood and judgment..."?? What would you do if your wife said "I don't want treatment"??

It's a tough call. What on earth must your mil feel about all this? I do feel sorry for her. If this were my daughter....I'd stick around as long as possible. I think...
j-

PS I agree with Coach and Puppy about the email & updates...keep it short!!

[tristan]

Wow, well said. And you know, while there is some great advice here, your wife DOES have mental health issues. Depite that, she's not actually mean to you. It IS confusing to me too. Hard to advise.

It's a tough call. What on earth must your mil feel about all this? I do feel sorry for her. If this were my daughter....I'd stick around as long as possible. I think...
j-

PS I agree with Coach and Puppy about the email & updates...keep it short!!

Thank you 25. MIL told her she was making a big mistake, but W has her mind made up. MIL is leaving on Monday. I would normally agree with you about MIL. But these last 2 times her MIL has been here, she has distanced herself from me. So I am not so sure her MIL being here is all that good. She once made a comment to me about her mom's seperation from her father to the affect "I may have been better off had she made that seperation permanent." She still has quite a bit of resentment toward her father.

As far as the way she is acting, I am very confused. It doesn't seem to fit into any of the simple categories.

But this just occurred to me to ask you, Hypothetically....what would you do if a doctor said, "we found a pituitary tumor here on the CAT Scan and it affects her mood and judgment..."?? What would you do if your wife said "I don't want treatment"??

Wait for the day when her mood and judgement changed such that her answer was "OK I will take that treatment now" :-) Seriously, I don't know; but I think patience may be the key no matter what the end result of this may be. I will use the time to improve myself. What else can I do?

[tristan]

Journaling:
Thursday Evening:

After the 3 e-mails from above. W sent me another informing me that it was D5's curriculum night for kindergarten. I went. W and D5 were there. I didn't say much to W. She asked me a few pleasent questions like "How are you" etc. I was very short with my responses, i.e. "Fine. Thank you."

It didn't feel right. I wanted to ask "How was your day?", but didn't. I felt I was being very rude. She complimented me to D5's teacher: "She is very good at math. Tristan has spent a lot of time teaching her." I simply smiled. The whole night was very awkward. We spent much of it next to each other in silence.

I do care about her and want to know how she is doing, but I shouldn't ask her because that would be persuing and bad for the marriage. This whole thing is so very confusing to me. I don't think I am doing it right. Like she says, I am not being myself.

I did a little housekeeping when I got home and have spent some time reading "No more Mr. Niceguy." I do enjoy the time alone. It's peaceful. However, that doesn't mean I don't miss my family.

[tristan]

@Coach, @Puppy - was this exchange better. Could it be improved?

W------------------------

Hi ,

Could you please forward my moms itinerary? She is leaving soon and has to give my brother the info. In addition, could you please let me know if I have mail from bank? I am still waiting for my card.

Thanks,
W

PS

For your calendar:
PTA is on the 16th at 6:30 and the conference with D5’s teacher is November 24th at 6:45.

FYI D5 scored a 29 out of 29 on her initial assessment. She is exited about school and her new friends.

M------------------------

Hola,

You will probably need to call for your mom’s itinerary. I didn’t book it, so I don’t have anything. I can bring your mail tomorrow morning when I pick up the girls.

Thanks for the dates,
T

W------------------------

They told me that they were to send an e-mail to the e-mail on file and you had mentioned that you received it…

M------------------------

Found it.
<itenerary attached>

W------------------------

Thanks!

[Serenity13]

Hi Tristan...

I haven't finished reading your thread however I will...I did want to point out a couple of things from what I read...Now remember I am the one with bi-polar so I will basing this on me and my emotions & this may be a bit long...

First thing that jumped out at me was on page 3 - "The snake is telling her that he believes her disorder is "situational" and it would likely get better if she left me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if it is true."

Darling this is the biggest lie there is...Bi-polar isn't situational...It is scary and it sucks big time however YOU have no control over it and no it won't get better just by leaving you...

The chemical imbalance isn't caused by you...She may try to blame you however this isn't about you...There were times that I was off my meds (because I hated taking them) and no matter what, my H couldn't do anything right...I hated him for the way I felt even though he had no control over it.

I had the shortest fuse ever and nothing would make me happy...This went off and on for years...I would take my meds, feel better, go off them and then somewhere down the line, it would kick back in...It is a horrible cycle to be in so I can imagine how it is to see someone you love suffer that way...When I was medicated, I was almost normal - Unmedicated, I was a mess complete with self mutilation, suicidal tendencies and so much rage I could kill a person without blinking an eye.

The emotions that you feel as a "normal" person are magnified in her by about a thousand...I liken it to feeling like a candle in a hurricane...The emotions come flooding in, wave after wave after wave and I can't control them...There is happy, mad, sad, rage, hate etc...All in a very short time.

The thought process gets screwy for me...I have so many thoughts swirling around my head however I can't grasp even one of them and of course anyone in my line of sight is at fault...Your wife has bipolar II and I have bipolar I - Only difference is I have manic episodes and she would have hypomanic episodes (just less severe form of manic)...

Now a symptom for either form of bipolar is a tendency to engage in behavior that could have serious consequences, such as spending recklessly or inappropriate sexual encounters...It doesn't excuse her however it is something wired in there that causes her to act this way...

I was diagnosed when I was 17 and I will admit I took the sexual encounters portion to the extreme (before I was married)...After I was married it was the spending and the grandiose thoughts that I could do no wrong...

When all this started, it sent me into a full manic episode complete with paranoia and hallucinations - My worst manic episode ever, however with meds, it can be controlled...I was put on 5 different meds and when my H bailed, all my meds were doubled...That really pissed me off...I felt like I could control myself, control my emotions, keep everything in check...I failed and it was just an awful feeling for me...

My H blamed my bipolar for his A and ultimatly his leaving and that my friend was a very bitter pill to swallow...It still is - Even though I "don't own his crazy", the words were put there and the blade of the sword was felt by me and honestly it takes everything I have on some days to just make it to the end of the day.

I will continue reading and please let me know if you have any questions - I am sorry this is so long

[tristan]

I will continue reading and please let me know if you have any questions - I am sorry this is so long

Thank you Serenity,

I guess my first question is "Is she bipolar?" I don't think anyone is sure. The MC thought she had borderline tendencies, the psych said that she didn't. Howerver, all counselors IC, MC, and psych concluded she needed mood stabilizers after the rapid cycling occurred when she was on the anti-depressants. I think the psych may have just diagnosed bipolar to get her on the mood stabilizer. Would that make sense? I can't pinpoint to definitive times when she was hypomanic in our marriage. From what you have read; what do you think? I am not sure if it is important, like you alluded neither she or I can blame the disease for the breakup of our M. But I think I could be more compassionate if I knew there was a real chemical imbalance in her. Statements like "I don't know why I am leaving you. I love you so much." don't sound like they are coming from someone simply caught up in an A.

I will ask more questions later, but do her words and actions suggest bipolar to you? Can you identify with them? No problem with being long winded, I find this whole thing very complicated and confusing. So the more info, the better.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Much.

[Steve McQueen]

Could it be improved?

Tristan. I think you over analyzing each and every interaction with your wife. They are what they are. Reviewing them in retrospect is futile. You cannot go out to the garage, have a smoke, then come back in and say this is what I meant to say. It doesnt work that way.

q: whats my mom's itinerary?
a: here it is.

That is going to be the same conversation whether you are dating, married, separated or divorced. Unless it is delivered with a punch to the mouth, what does it matter. Your wife is too busy getting on with her life to sit around figuring out what Tristan meant by "found it."

Just be confident and decisive in what you say. If she doesn't like it. So what. Gotta go goodbye sweet cheeks. 'click.'

Your words alone are not going to get your wife back home. Your actions might. Take her actions for example. The night before she moves out shes screws you then hits you with the "I think it is very possible that we will be together again" line. Man, that sounds positive, still she packed up and left. But it did have a profound effect on you; leaving you concerned about her every word or silence, worrying about compassion and support and trying to diagnosis psychological problems with third party conversations through an Internet bulletin board.

This would be a much more interesting thread if we were analyzing what Tristan is doing to prove to his wife she made the wrong choice; finding out about how she is scrambling and concerned about his every word or silence because of Tristan's new interactions and how her conversations change after she starts to think Tristan moved on and how that destroyed her fantasy of having her cake and eating it too; reading how after two years of living with a wife having an affair, Tristan realizes his wife wasn't all that and a bag of chips, the "loveless" marriage his wife's boyfriend pointed out was not his fault, and how certain actions Tristan might make that are 180 to his current supplicating style will have a more positive affect on the outcome of his relationship.

She moved out, she has a boyfriend, act as if you are single. It is going to hit her like a ton of bricks when she realizes you are no longer there giving her permission to carry on a love affair. It is then she will start to question what is going wrong. That is how this could be improved.
SMcQ

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Very well said, McQ.


Puppy