However, if you focus on the former, it's near impossible to get the latter. However, if you focus on the latter, paradoxically, you'll likely get the former.
I would also urge you to make the following distinctions:
1. Focus on "compassion" toward her, and not "support". She does not deserve your support when she is acting wayward.
2. Focus, not on "How will she react if I do or say thus-and-such? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?", and instead strive for "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
It's a VERY small step between "support" and "enabling" when the behavior you're supporting isn't appropriate for a married woman.
I would also urge you to make the following distinctions:
1. Focus on "compassion" toward her, and not "support". She does not deserve your support when she is acting wayward.
2. Focus, not on "How will she react if I do or say thus-and-such? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?", and instead strive for "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
It's a VERY small step between "support" and "enabling" when the behavior you're supporting isn't appropriate for a married woman.
Puppy
Thank you. That helps me put it in perspective. I like your idea on focusing on compassion instead of support.
Tris, I can only imagine how it must have made you feel .... but isn't it better that your girls didn't freak out? It doesn't mean they want to be with you less ... they just don't understand all the implications at their ages. I'm sure there are tears in the future, but I'm sure you'll handle those when you get there; better to not have to deal with their pain right now when you're still trying to balance your own emotions, yes?
Anyhow, there is no "one size fits all" with this stuff, as others have said. I would like to heartily second what Puppy recommends above, especially as respects compassion vs. support/enabling.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Tris, I can only imagine how it must have made you feel .... but isn't it better that your girls didn't freak out? It doesn't mean they want to be with you less ... they just don't understand all the implications at their ages. I'm sure there are tears in the future, but I'm sure you'll handle those when you get there; better to not have to deal with their pain right now when you're still trying to balance your own emotions, yes?
I completely agree. It upset me that I felt the way I did. But they are just emotions; I can't control them. I can only control how I react to them.
I just wanted to give you an update… The girls are doing well. Went to Target and got some groceries and a new toy for each girl. It was kind of hard to put them to bed since I don’t have a radio for D5 and it was warm. They liked their room but I could see that D5 was a little different. Tried talking to her but she was playing with her new doll and stated that she just wanted to try her new bed. D3 had an episode last night, was crying and finished her night with me. This morning was calling for you… didn’t want to go to school and stayed with my Mom. Took D5 to school and she was happy like nothing had changed. I am still in shock about how she is taking this…
I hope you are ok.
I hope it is ok for me to give you updates once in a while. I want you to know how the girls are doing. I hope you could do the same when they are with you.
My reply: (includes 2 pictures of girls) ------------------------------------------------------ Hola,
I just wanted to give you an update… The girls are doing well. Thank you. I did miss them last night. I am sure they loved their rooms, you have a knack for decorating.
Tried talking to her but she was playing with her new doll and stated that she just wanted to try her new bed. You thought you could compete for D5’s attention with a new doll, new room, new bed? I know you know better ;-)
D3 had an episode last night, was crying and finished her night with me. … didn’t want to go to school and stayed with my Mom. Good to hear that she hasn’t changed ;-)
This morning was calling for you Touches my heart. Daddy’s little girl.
I hope it is ok for me to give you updates once in a while. I want you to know how the girls are doing. I hope you could do the same when they are with you. Please do send updates. I enjoy them very much. I will send them as well. But please just ask when you want to know and be assertive about it. I can’t read your mind on when you want things. I am learning that part of what got us here is that neither of us was assertive enough in explaining what we wanted when we wanted it.
I hope you are ok. I am fine. Thank you. Finding ways to keep myself busy. I would like to take D5 to soccer on Saturday Morning if possible. I would need to pick her up around 8:30. I can take D3 too, she has as much fun as D5 (probably more). I will have them back before 11:00. Hope all is well for you as well.
Reply from W: -------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the pictures… we have two beautiful pumpkins…
Ok, “be assertive”??? What does that really mean? I am just asking for you to tell me how they are doing. Do you mean that I should call you or e-mail if I want to know how they are doing??? You will not do it unless I asked? In addition, “reading my mind”???? You don’t need to “read my mind”…we just needed to be connected to each other to know what we were feeling, that brings honesty and open communication, something that we were having problems doing …. I know I was not “assertive” ( hate the word and prefer to use open or clear) with you before because I was holding my feelings with the hope that things get better… and you were just not getting it. You were too focus on yourself….I don’t know what you are reading or who you are talking to but this message does not sound like you.
Please be you. Don’t try to change that much.
Regarding Saturday, it is ok. I know they will have fun. You are a great Dad!
"Wife, got the update. I always want to be kept in the loop about my girls. I will monitor their emotional well-being. I appreciate your help regarding them in this matter." "I will pick the girls up on Saturday morning for soccer at 8:30 and will bring them back at 11:00."
no winking, no fixing, no trying to be funny, no pics, no gracias This will not help. Looks like you are kissing her butt right after she moved out of your home and took your girls.
Do you have a plan for who pays for what? A visitation schedule?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Wife, got the update. I always want to be kept in the loop about my girls. I will monitor their emotional well-being. I appreciate your help regarding them in this matter." "I will pick the girls up on Saturday morning for soccer at 8:30 and will bring them back at 11:00."
no winking, no fixing, no trying to be funny, no pics, no gracias This will not help. Looks like you are kissing her butt right after she moved out of your home and took your girls.
Do you have a plan for who pays for what? A visitation schedule?
Ouch. Thanks coach, I always appreciate your advice. Yes, we do have a plan for who pays for what and a schedule for the girls. I talked briefly to a lawyer and it seems that I am paying for about what I would if it were legal child-support. We are sharing the girl's time 50/50 for the time being (which complicates the child-support issue).
"Wife, got the update. I always want to be kept in the loop about my girls. I will monitor their emotional well-being. I appreciate your help regarding them in this matter." "I will pick the girls up on Saturday morning for soccer at 8:30 and will bring them back at 11:00."
no winking, no fixing, no trying to be funny, no pics, no gracias This will not help. Looks like you are kissing her butt right after she moved out of your home and took your girls.
Do you have a plan for who pays for what? A visitation schedule?
Apologize for the scatological piling-on, but I agree with Coach.
It's not your job to diffuse HER tension, and make her more comfortable with herbad choices. To be even MORE blunt, what if that is God-placed "conscience" making her uncomfortable?? Who are you to soften it???
