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Where the hell was all of this dedication and hard work before the A?


Don't forget that she has been high on the drug and when that fizzles out.....then she will crash big time. Don't feel jealous of that b/c what she has felt has not been "real" love or energy or pride......it was just brain chemicals fooling her and she was trying to find the fountain of youth. She will either be very pitiful when she crashes, or else she will be so bitter that nobody can stand to be around her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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She will either be very pitiful when she crashes, or else she will be so bitter that nobody can stand to be around her.


Well that will be interesting to see. Since last Saturday my W seems to have stabilized emotionally and is acting fairly "normal" and occasionally chipper. Probably back in contact with OM, but I'm no longer actively keeping track of that stuff anymore.

Given the length of time the A has been going on, I am curious how my W will react if OM does drop her for good. If my W's A fizzles and dies a natural death over time will my W still experience an emotional meltdown?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Given the length of time the A has been going on, I am curious how my W will react if OM does drop her for good. If my W's A fizzles and dies a natural death over time will my W still experience an emotional meltdown?


I would say it's safe to say that either way, much as I told my XW who thought that running 90 miles away to the middle of nowhere would allow her to live a 'normal life without conviction', you can't run or hide from your conscience.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Yea, my XW went through several crashes as the guilt and status of her A fluctuated. It drove me nuts.

When my XW's A ended, she sunk into a depression and had to go get the help of a psychiatrist. The funny thing is that the medications made her more reasonable. Getting into therapy also helped her to end the self-damaging effects of the A. But, also it helped her to take the position that she needed to work on herself, by herself.


Formerly SGfan
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W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
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If my W's A fizzles and dies a natural death over time will my W still experience an emotional meltdown?


If it fizzles, then she won't be interested in OM and therefore she won't have a meltdown due to the A......but she may react to her finances or whatever else she may have to deal with as the result of her A. However, if the OM dumps her while she is still running on her "love induced" chemicals, then she will more than likely have a meltdown. There are different things to consider and "where" she is emotionally in the A.

I know I've brought this up before, but I still think the best thing you could do is to "dump" her and act as if you are simply excited beyound belief at being single and able to date OW......and then proceed to do it. Now, that compromises what I feel as a Christian, but it would work. You think she doesn't want you? Test her and see.


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I know I've brought this up before, but I still think the best thing you could do is to "dump" her and act as if you are simply excited beyound belief at being single and able to date OW......and then proceed to do it. Now, that compromises what I feel as a Christian, but it would work. You think she doesn't want you? Test her and see.


Sandi,

You might have mentioned this before. Most recently RobX made the same suggestion to me.

I agree with your theory about dating OW and the jealously factor with my W. But that would compromise my own Christian beliefs and be lowering my standards. My kids need at least one responsible parent. And besides, dabbling in dating OW could easily make my sitch more complicated than it already is.

Right now I feel like I'm at the point emotionally where I have dropped the rope. After our last big R talk (after coming back from the out of state trip in August) I told my W in no uncertain terms that I was DONE with her behavior and disrespect towards me. I am polite and respectful but keep communication with my W to a bare minimum. I'm avoiding any talk about the MR or D- although she has attempted to bait/engage me a couple times about the D since I filed. I am pretty much keeping to myself and spending time with my kids. I guess I'm probably entering the "acceptance" phase of my sitch- accepting the fact that unless my W chooses otherwise, I'm going to be D'd and single again in the near future.

As much as accepting my possible fate as a casualty of D stinks, at least it frees up space in my mind to focus more on the person I want to be and think about the possibilities for the future.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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You are right, BJ, and you are the fist person I think I've suggested that to. I suppose the dating issue would have to be a personal decision for people. There are many here on the board who think that is the key in getting the WAS's attention, and as you said....it would, but you have other things you have to consider. I think you are being better than I am. I feel like a todler who just wants to fall down in the floor and thow myself a big old fit! mad (Just kidding.......a little.)


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I don't think there's anything wrong with going out with someone of the opposite sex as a friend. Heck we all can't have same-sex friends.

Take it as that and you won't be compromising your morals.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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What Stuck said...

My wife thought I went out with someone the other night (I did not) She initiated not one but three R talk's in one day (she has not initiated an R talk in over a year)

It works.

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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
You are right, BJ, and you are the fist person I think I've suggested that to. I suppose the dating issue would have to be a personal decision for people. There are many here on the board who think that is the key in getting the WAS's attention, and as you said....it would, but you have other things you have to consider. I think you are being better than I am. I feel like a todler who just wants to fall down in the floor and thow myself a big old fit! mad (Just kidding.......a little.)


Sandi,

Right now I can really relate to wanting to throw a fit. I had a pretty unpleasant night last night. My W baited me into a D talk by telling me how much she wanted to save money on Ls by trying to mutually agree to some sort of custody agreement with our kids. My W started the conversation with a reasonable tone and I got suckered in to the discussion. Long story short, my W tried throwing a few more breadcrumbs my way but it was far from equitable or fair. (Now she is willing to allow me 30% time with the kids up from "every other weekend".) Then she mentioned how she is coming to realize how much of a major economic impact a D is going to have on both of us including the legal fees. shocked Things got unpleasant when I told her my expectation was 50% custody of the kids if we D. She about started to cry while asking "How could you take the kids away from their mother 50% of the time?" I felt like asking her the same question about me! Then she started telling me about all the "suffering" she has been enduring while indulging in her A and that is when I about lost it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! She is the one who has been "suffering"?! Well, I guess I wasn't able to hide the incredulous look on my face very well before asking her to explain to me how she was "suffering". She didn't answer and stomped away mad. Probably best that she did or else we would have been up half the night arguing and fighting.

Then tonight I go to grab the laptop and find her email left open with an email thread to OM. Still in contact with OM- what a surprise! (I don't know if this was "accidental" or not. W can be forgetful at times but I'm not a big believer in coincidences either.) Anyways, in the email she basically told OM she had no regrets that he found her, that they had the A, that the A had revealed a lot of shortcomings in her life with me and that she was OK with "breaking things off" with him to "get him out of her head and emotions" so "my H can't use you (OM) against me in the D". Predictably irrational, OM responded back on the thread by stating "That's good because now that scumbag won't have any excuses!"

She stated that she felt bad that he felt bad about causing the breakup of our M but that she "didn't have any regrets now about getting a D", especially now that she had been with "a real man". laugh crazy laugh She commented on how astute he (OM) was about dealing with relationships and thanked him for all of his "support" and relationship advice. crazy

She acknowledged that it was highly unlikely that they would get together as she could not move out of state with our kids and that she was OK with the fact that they both might get together with different people in the future. She stated that she had a lead on a promising job prospect, that she had spoken to a L who had promised to get her exactly the child custody she wants and that the future "looked bright".

Sandi, my W's sitch is soooo pathetic. She is so terribly confused and deluded. She continues to dig herself a bigger hole every day and now she is mixed up with a L of her own who will run up a large bill very quickly if she is not careful. I'm focused now on surviving as best I can with my kids while my W self-destructs. I absolutely hate this!! But what can I do?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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