... W was happy to see girls when we arrived, but distant to me. After we had been home for about 15 minutes: W: "Why didn't you call back?" M: "You mean on Saturday?" W: "Yes." M: "You didn't ask me too." W: "I said I was calling to ask how the girls were. That means I want you to call back." M: "Sorry. I misunderstood."
Hand slapping time.
She said she was calling to ask how the girls were and that means she wanted you to call her back?
Didn't you just tell her that she didn't ask you too?
And then you apologized to her for not understanding?!
Why?!
What did you do wrong?!
If she wants you to call her back, she will communicate that to you, she will be clear about this and any other communication in the future because you are not a mind reader concerning her or anyone else.
Make that clear to her the next time you speak to her. You tell her "... I was thinking about our conversation where you didn't ask me to call you back but I was somehow supposed to read between the lines that it was something you wanted me to do - I don't read minds, next time if YOU need something from me, just say it in plain english, I won't apologize for not reading your mind and knowing what your exact intentions were."
Don't be angry, you act calm, assertive and make eye contact with her the whole time.
You apologize way too much, she's having an affair, I don't see her apologizing about it every time she sees you!
you say she's acting cold, distant and removed, her behavior in this area isn't going to improve, it will likely get worse as she progresses with this affair and that's part of the WAS mentality, get used to it, expect it and respond calmly & assertively each time - remember, boundaries, they're in place, enforce them, don't let her walk all over you - these are all tests see how much she can push you, she's learning she can push you quite a bit and then make you apologize on top of that.
I'm not liking that, I hope you understand where I'm coming from how you communicate wimpy, wussy behavior like that.
Journaling: Tuesday Evening: Arrive home from work in a strange calm. My W plans to tell the girls that we are seperating that night. I greet D6 and MIL as I walk in, D3 & W are upstairs. I walk up and greet them as well, D6 follows me up. The 4 of us play on the bed in what is now my bedroom. From the looks of it, we are as happy as a family can be.
A few hours later, W comes to me and asks if we can talk. We go over what is going to be said. I tell her that I will say as little as possible, but not be combative. She is OK with that. I then ask her to enumerate the reasons that she is leaving, it is somewhat confusing to me. I think it is confusing to her as well. She admits that EA has something to do with it, but it is not the only reason. She says she has a need to break free and be independent, to prove it to herself. She says that our relationship is not the same as it was. M: "When we kissed this morning. You said you loved me. How long did that feeling last?" W: "Through the afternoon." M: "Is that when you called OM?" W: "No. He called me. He asked if he could stop by and see me. I told him I couldn't, I had a lot of work to do. Later, he stopped by with salads anyway. We ate in silence, I was not good company. He asked what I was thinking. I told him I was thinking about you and the girls. He told me he understood, fixed something on my computer and left."
During the conversation, she promises that she will not date. She says that if she decides to date, she will seek a divorce first.
W took MIL to her new place while I got the girls ready for bed. She was going to tell them when she got back. We read a few stories. When D6 said she was tired and ready to go to bed. W began. W: "D6 come here, I have something to tell you." D6: "Yes." W: "You know how your friends X and Ys' parents live in different houses." D6: "Yes." W: "Well mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses. I am going to take you tomorrow to mommy's new house." D6: "You mean I am going to have 2 rooms? Like friend X." W: "Yes." D6: "Yeah!" - D3 starts cheering with D6
Shock comes across both our faces. D6 starts talking about what stuff she is going to take to the new place. I am in complete disbelief on how this turned out.
D6: "Daddy, are you mad?" M: "No. I'm not mad. Let's say our prayers" ...
W takes D3 to bed while I finish with D6. After putting D6 to bed, I go to lie down and process things. I am upset at myself for being initially dissappointed that the girls were not upset about the seperation. I think I should be happy that the girls took it so well; am I a bad person for being dissappointed? Even D6 saw it on my face.
W walks in the room. I motion to welcome her next to me on the bed. She lies down next to me. W: "What are you thinking." M: "I am processing why I was initially dissappointed in D6's reaction. Am I selfish for thinking that way?" W: "No. A selfish person would have told her not to be excited that she should be upset. You did not do that. I was shocked by her reaction. But they are just kids, they don't understand." ... M: "I have been struggling with where to put my boundaries. I argued a little with Bill (IC) today. I told him that I feel I am pushing you right into OM arms by being so distant. He told me that maybe I am. But since I am his primary client, he needs to tell me how to protect myself. And to do that, I need those strict boundaries." W: "I have not liked the person you've become the past couple of weeks." ...
I sit up, turn to face her, straddling her waist with my arm and look into her eyes. W: "Would you like me to go. I don't want to confuse those boundaries." M: "I'm fine. Go if you like."
We sit in silence for several seconds, staring into each others eyes. I kiss her, she returns the kiss. I will spare the details, but this continues into the early morning. It was one of those nights to remember. If it was the last night of us being together, it was a wonderful one.
After last night, I went and reread Robx's entire thread. I know what I did went against everything I am suppose to do. However, I do not regret it. It was not cheap and it wasn't without feeling. Like I said, if I had to pick the way our last night together would be; it would be very close to the way it went last night.
My W struggles with her emotions. She is on mood stabilizers for a reason. I truly do believe this confuses her. It is what all the counselers and psychs say. They all believe this confusion has very little to do with me or OM. They say these are her issues of hers that only she can sort out. What if they are right? Would removing all emotional support help her heal?
Robx, she is different from your W. No, she is not treating me well. But she does not throw temper-tantrums. She does not yell. She does not insult. I look at her and see someone that is addicted to an EA complicated with bipolar tendencies. I am not excusing her behavior, I am just trying to understand what it would be like to walk a mile in her shoes.
Robx, I admire you for the way you turned your life around; it is an inspiration to me. I hope to get to where you are. I need to repect myself more. I need to be more centered on myself and more confident. I need to detach and not try to control things over which I have no power.
Last night, I breached boundaries to love my W. Last night, my W loved only me. Yes, that probably changed today. But for the moment we were connected. It is a moment that she told me she will cherish. Is that bad for DB'ing? Probably, but what is done is done.
I am rambling. It is late. And I still need to journal today.
Tristan, you are loving your wife in the only way you know how. What more can any woman ask of her husband? Don't worry about what other people think. It is your life and you have to live it.
Journaling: Wednesday (Day 1 of Seperation): Neither W or I felt like getting out of bed. It may very well be the last time we spend in bed together. But D6 is in kindergarten now and we must stick to a schedule. We get the kids up ready and out the door.
We had a short conversation after kids were out the door. W: "So are you wondering what to do with last night?" M: "It was a great night." W: "It was wonderful. I am going to cherish it." M: "After that, it is hard for me to believe you have feelings for someone else." W: "Right now, I don't. I think it is very possible that we will be together again." ...
When we left it was a simple "Have a nice day." W started to cry when she left. I had to hold back tears myself. That was the last I saw or heard from her today. I noticed she finished taking the rest of her stuff which included a framed wedding photo that was sitting on our dresser.
This evening, I entered an empty house, went for an 8 mile run, ate some dinner and journaled my last 2 days. Ironically, I feel pretty good.
You know, a lot of the guys here give great advice, but each sitch is unique. I've felt that the DB approach is such a tenuous and difficult line to walk.
For myself, although I did not know of the books or the techniques back then, I realised that I did use some of the techniques. A lot of the GAL, and 180-ing did induce changes in my W, good changes. But I also broke a lot of the rules, and sometimes I think if I didn't or strictly went by the book, we might not have progressed in the same way.
As my W told me later, if she had felt I had completely cut her off, cut off support for her, and not loved her, she would have walked, with or without OM. Of course, one has to take these things with a pinch of salt, the swings in WAW to undecided WAW, to W again involves wield swings in logic, thinking, emotions, perspectives etc.
Hope you go on feeling good.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
After last night, I went and reread Robx's entire thread. I know what I did went against everything I am suppose to do. However, I do not regret it. It was not cheap and it wasn't without feeling. Like I said, if I had to pick the way our last night together would be; it would be very close to the way it went last night.
Tristan,
I think that's perfectly fine, if that -- your last nite together -- was the only time you tried this tack. The problem I think Robx (or me, or Gucci, or others) have with this supplicating style is that, over the long haul, IT DOESN'T WORK in re-attracting a wayward spouse.
It's good for generating short-term sympathy, and for soothing yourself, but it's not going to re-ignite the marital flames of passion and respect.
After last night, I went and reread Robx's entire thread. I know what I did went against everything I am suppose to do. However, I do not regret it. It was not cheap and it wasn't without feeling. Like I said, if I had to pick the way our last night together would be; it would be very close to the way it went last night.
Tristan,
I think that's perfectly fine, if that -- your last nite together -- was the only time you tried this tack. The problem I think Robx (or me, or Gucci, or others) have with this supplicating style is that, over the long haul, IT DOESN'T WORK in re-attracting a wayward spouse.
It's good for generating short-term sympathy, and for soothing yourself, but it's not going to re-ignite the marital flames of passion and respect.
Puppy
Agreed. I am just trying to find a balance. I need to understand and support her in trying times while at the same time demonstrate that I am a man with value and deserves respect. It seems that these 2 things are in conflict and it is hard to work on both simultaneously. Is it possible?
