Bonny, Good for you for seeing your blessings in this. A strong relationship with your kids is a huge blessing. I'm sure that they are thankful for this time with you, and it is obvious that you are thankful for your time and relationship with them.
That’s a good question and one I’ve been pondering.
I’m doing good with the PMA and GAL stuff. Detaching is going well, a bit too well maybe. I’m at the stage where I really know I’ll be OK either way, before I think I was telling myself I was but didn’t really believe it – faking it until you make it as they say a lot round here.
I would still consider reconciliation, but my H has to come to me for it, I’m not seeking it. I do have a caveat though, I would not consider it until OW is completely out of the picture and there’s no contact whatsoever. I won’t even speak to my H on this subject until this is done and I believe that it’s done.
My focus has shifted from restoration of the M to building a friendship. When the R is on better footing then I can decide if I want reconciliation.
Having said that I still love my H and want to have a R with him (it’s necessary as we’ve got kids). So……..
I think I’ve reduced the angry feelings that my H has towards me. There’s still some work to do here though, the other week he really went off at the deep end about my keeping the kids from him (which is rubbish and anyway they’re all adults so how could I?). But then later came round as if nothing had happened – realized he’d gone over the top, but not able to apologise maybe? A need a specific goal to work towards this – not sure what though.
1. Loving from afar. This is working (well it is for me, have no contol over H of course). I’ve made sure that I only make positive remarks to the kids re my H, in the past I’d have kept quiet. I’ve suggested that they go round and see him rather than ignore him. The kids are more forthcoming about their R with him rather than before they were a bit guarded. I’ll continue to do this.
Working towards friendship, my goal would be as before.
2. Get an email exchange going. I’m having a mixed reaction to this, I sometimes get a reply and sometimes don’t. There doesn’t seem to be much pattern. Maybe I should mix it up and start texting/phoning (although I did delete his no from my phone). Not sure whether I should continue at all and just contact for financial/family matters. He’s away at the moment so I’m going to give it one more go and if it peters out again, I will be sure it’s not working and change tack.
I know that we should break goals down into something achievable in the short term but that’s not really practical when we are physically separated from our H.
I need a bit more specific input to knock this into shape so I will be talking to my divorcebusting coach, Laurie, when I can sort it out and see if she has any further suggestions.
Any help from you lot here would of course be most appreciated.
I know that I need patience but I’m getting frustrated that I’m just drifting along without any indication that the R is being rejuventated and nothing’s really shifting one way or the other.
Sorry not to have posted sooner! When are you going to be speaking to Laurie?
It's annoying when things drift isn't it?! I would start to do something different but I guess that you will be speaking to Laurie who will have better ideas. But if you want to brainstorm, I'm happy to help if you like.
Still to make the appt but I'll do it next week and hopefully speak with her soon.
No really sure what she or anyone for that matter can add to the sitch. The facts are that my H has gone, has OW ( woman who I considered a friend and lives about 200 yards from my house) and for all I know is completely happy with that and as far as he's concerned he's made the right decision. No matter how much DBing I do I don't feel at the moment that will change.
It's been about 3 weeks since I spoke to him and there's no sign that that will change. I'm sure he doesn't think of me at all and if he does its negative.
Seems to me the best thing to do is go for a D myself. I love my H but can't hang around much longer I'm not getting any younger! Maybe best just to man up and get on with it.
Any thoughts? Assuming it's over I'd like to start dating again, but wouldn't want to do that whilst I was still M. I had an EA three years ago so I've already made that mistake and wouldn't want to do it again. Dating and being M are incompatible I think. Separated and dating are incompatible too (I know I tried it wasn't for me).
I'm not going to rush into it but the next time I speak to my H I may raise the question and see what sort of result I get. Seems to be the only other thing I've not tried.
It will be interesting to see what Laurie thinks of you suggesting divorce, Bonny. As you know, it's a concept I'm grappling with, too. It's a big decision but should provide some direction for your future and the freedom for you to date again. With my confusion at the moment I can advocate for silence, moving closer and divorce all in one posting!! Think I'd better get going before I really mess you up.
Same as you, yesterday it was D definitely. Today I'm not so sure. I think I'm expecting him to ask it's been 2 years of separation so in the UK we could get D (I think not sure of the legalities).
Probably best to wait for him to bring it up,if we ever speak again, and then wholeheartedly agree. He will one day lose his temper with me and threaten of that I'm sure - when that happens rather than ignore or smooth it over I'm going to say yes, please sort out the paperwork.
Update: Still NC last email exchange 2 ½ weeks, actual face to face contact 3 ½. Next week is one of the kids birthdays we normally go out for a family meal, my H usually organizes this – I’m waiting to see what materializes. Assuming it goes ahead how will I handle that after 1 month of NC?
Also heard from someone that H took a long time to decide on his R with OW as he was worried about the kid’s reaction. That’s bad it means he considers it to be serious. He’s had a really negative reaction from the kids and still continued the R so even though he’s lost respect in their eyes it’s obviously worth it for him. On the plus side if you have to consider all the angles before you enter a new R it can’t be all that fun can it? Seems to me they will have gone straight from being friends to acting like a long time couple without all fun getting to know someone stage, which may mean that it will work it’s course quicker. Or that they know each other warts and all and have decided to be together. MUST STOP OBSESSING. 
Assuming it goes ahead how will I handle that after 1 month of NC?
By looking great, feeling great (a good excuse to pamper yourself lots beforehand), and being confident, be yourself. Also the focus is the kids, not you or h, which will help a lot.
