A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Still in pullback mode. Nuthin' to see here, folks.

Tomorrow is his movie night with friends. I may go see a movie myself. Two movies in 7 days, you say? How long can this wild and crazy lifestyle go on?? <grin>

[Dia]

H has been incredibly morose over the past 48 hours. Flat affect, low eye gaze, hunched shoulders, depressed voice, sleeplessness, listlessness - the whole 9 yards.

Yesterday, when Sara mentioned the possibility of a spat with OW, I thought it possible but fairly wild on the speculation scale. Seeing him today, I am seriously wondering if OW dumped him and he's moping about it, or perhaps vice-versa and he's drowning in guilt for hurting her.

I have no proof, of course, but here's the question.

I have immense compassion for his grief. I know how it feels to be left or to feel bereft of one's partner. Regardless of my hurt and anger over OW, I am sensitive to how he is feeling/will feel in the event of a split with OW. So how does one act under those circumstances?

It's not like I can say "there, there" and pat him on the shoulder, nor would it be appropriate to say, "Good, now that *that's* over, get your a$$ back in this marriage."

I'm thinking that it calls for a combination of respectful distance (so he can process the feelings w/o pressure), supportive gestures (a nice hot meal, but no comment as to why) and more-of-the-same in the general PMA department?

I do understand that he needs to grieve, and I'm not at all angry that he's busted up over it. It's a very natural, normal reaction. I'm just flailing a bit at how to act around him while he's being Mopey Martin. And - perish the thought - do I need to worry about being a rebound??

Has anyone gone through this - nursing their spouse through the breakup with OP?

[pigskin]

Dia:

I found this link a while ago and it has a lot of info on infidelity, including the unfaithful spouses withdrawal when the affair ends. Look around, you might find something useful.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

[Sara]

Yeah, I guess I have. My advice is to back off, but still be the sexy you that you are. Pretend you are dating and don't see him during the week. If you only saw him on Saturday night, you wouldn't even know this exists.

When he comes home from work, you look good, you're cooking dinner in a sexy, little outfit, his favorite beer is in the fridge, and you set out a little hors d'oeuvres, nothing too much, maybe just chips and salsa, or hummus and pita, but something. This encourages him to sit in the kitchen and talk to you while you cook. Maybe you have a glass of wine or beer while you fix dinner. Keep the conversation happy, about kidlet, ways to further organize the house, your work, whatever. He may be losing her, but he won't even notice because life at home is good. You distract him from sad thoughts by being the happy, pretty one flitting by around him.

[Kettricken]

Agree with Sara.

Caveat: whooooooooooooooooole lotta assumptions being made here. Not saying you're wrong, but you don't know.

[Dia]

Thanks, folks, and agreed - I do NOT know this for sure. Oddly enough, I don't even feel hopeful about it, very likely due to the not knowing part. I'm not sure what I feel.

[Dia]

Ok, here's what I feel - numb and guarded. Unconsciously, I think I'm preparing myself for anger and blame on his part. The breakup is MY fault. If I hadn't come back here and INSISTED on moving in, this wouldn't have happened. In fact, if I hadn't LEFT HIM 2 years ago, NONE OF THIS would have happened.

Yes, this is borrowing trouble.

I will make all efforts to cease and desist.

[Dia]

Pigskin - I checked out that link and read some of it. I will read more later. It looks great; thanks!

H is home from a 2-hour work detail in the garden at kidlet's school. He seems much more himself, though still distant.

I'm fine and continuing my picnic.

[Dia]

So I went in to ask H a really simple question - Ribs or chicken for supper? - and I got the "You Have Interrupted Me!" scowl. Not a big deal, that scowl isn't about me. But he's got the Pandora music thing going and he has this channel that plays a lot of 70's music. Disco stuff. Rubberband Man. And playing right when I walked in was this song:

"Fly OW, Fly... up, up to the sky"

Then I checked on kidlet who came home sick today and he was looking at superhero cards, you know, Batman and OW?

It's a dark humor, yes, but I do find it funny.

I am waiting for a bona fide Little OW Redbreast to come and perch on the windowsill where I am working.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Ribs!