Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[Kalni]

Lol!!! That's my punch line to leave the group. I have NO idea what you are talking about.
And Kat she suggested the same person to me. I didnt bother...
K

[kat727]

Just funny though that he didn't seem to read the e-mail very closely or he would have read her name. Maybe he just isn't into taking referrals but yet he says to e-mail him to set up a time for a consult. Not going to bother with him. The gal I came upon that is psychic doesn't talk about it much so I take her as fairly valid, at points she was ready to cry because she was so glad that we connected.

kat

[BobbiJo]

Ali since you don't eat olives, bag them up when you visit K and mail them to me! I love them!!

So glad you are going to take this trip. I am jealous! Going to Greece with the one you love AND meeting K??? Too lucky you are....

[AliSuddenly]

Hey girls! Thanks, it still feels kind of surreal sometimes, like, did I just dream that 2 years of misery!??

Kat.. try David.. top one on LivePerson (has 18,000 positive reviews), he predicted in January what would unfold in the spring, with the Piscean and my bf both wanting to make a serious commitment to me.

Bobbi.. thanks! Perhaps I should try olives again?? I am rooting for you you know...

[AliSuddenly]

So last night we had a big talk about money and helen and that 2 years of fog. I was tidying the house for my parents coming today and found a bottle of very expensive aftershave I hadnt bought him (it was horrible, really strong and flamboyant) he looked crestfallen and said yes it was from her, for Christmas. I said, but you told me she didnt get you anything? He said, I forgot she did and that it was here, theres so much I have forgotton, or put out of my mind, I dont want to ever think about it ever again and I dont want to talk about it either...it doesnt matter anymore, thats why I'm here with you.

But I cant be told whats best for HIM all of the time, so I calmly and lovingly explained that I too want us to have a normal future R, to put this behind us, but I cant whilst I still keep finding things in the house and wondering and then when I ask him, he doesnt think it matters...I gave him the analogy of the jigsaw from Hope4Us, that he has the full picture and has already processed and 'let it go'.. but he only recently started handing me the pieces and sometimes he swaps them and changes what he gave me and I dont even yet have a full picture with holes in, I have a jumble of pieces I have tried to assemble. He understood completely why I need to know and admitted that he was the same after my EA. I also explained there is a 'hole' in our life together and in a funny kind of way, I want to understand what it was like for him, to date someone else, how it felt, how he got by.. also, being depressed and feeling 'crazy'.. he said with that part, yes most people would advocate talking about the depression, but he would rather just draw a line under it and never speak of it again, that he does worry it will return as bad as that one day, but that he learnt alot and feels he wouldnt be so stupid next time to not ask for help or be too proud to take tablets.

So then we talked. He said he doesnt know what he was thinking, he should never have dated her and it wasnt fair on himself, or me, or her. That it was never right, from the beginning. He admitted yes, he did like her, but they didnt chat like we did, it wasnt natural. Same as he always says. I asked how he reacted to the aftershave and he said he put on a pretence he liked it and wore it Christmas day "for her", but not since, eventhough she asked him about it a few times. I said this worries me, why did you keep doing things "for her".. like the DIY you got roped into at her house? He said, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not like that with you.. it just took me a long long time to pull myself out of it. I got myself into something and I couldnt see how to extract myself. He said he still feels tremendous, almighty guilt, everyday for how he behaved and what he did to me, that he cannot believe how stupid he was. That he just wants to forget the whole experience entirely, wipe his memory, never wants to speak to her again. He feels that its like it wasnt him that was dating her, it was like it happened to someone else, which he put down to the fact that he wasnt himself when depressed.

We had an almost argument about money earlier in the evening, he threw at me that some of his Dads inheritance money got spent (2006). So I told him we had used it to pay his Dads mortgage when he inherited the house and also that he didnt even pay rent for a year before he left me and at first he didnt believe me but then he was shocked and humbled and it hit him with clarity how much he had buried his head in the sand back then, about finances especailly, his, ours and also, about his depression. He then couldnt have been nicer to me and I think it was a real watershed moment for him, realising he needs to take responsibility for so many things that were wrong back then and not fall into those traps again.

[kat727]

Good for you, both of you. Now let all of that soak in and have a wonderful holiday!! Really with him now being even more aware, I am sure he will try not to fall into those bouts again. Just keep on working together.

I think when you get depressed it happens so gradually that people that are around all the time may not ever see how severe it has become. Keep allowing for open conversation and when he see him getting down, don't take it all on yourself to make it better, but allow him to see that he needs some help.

Thanks for your suggestion. I might look that up.

hugs, kat

[SweetRedd]

Ali,

I've read almost all of your posts the last couple of days. My curiousity was piqued when I saw mention that your bf suffers from depression. Our stories are amazingly similar. My H and I separated for 18 months and have been back together for three years now. I'm posting to say "thank you" for posting your journey so openly and honestly! It's been a blessing for me to read and confirmation that my H's depression was largely responsible for our break. Although we are very, very happy, I've wondered why we've never discussed and gotten to the bottom of the reasons he said IDLYA, left, and had a relationship with ow. It hasn't been much of an issue between us, and like you, we went back to our former relationship (improved though!), and haven't looked back. My H is also positive that he will never stray again, and is soooo loving, even more than he was before the break. If it eases your mind at all, my H has said everything that your bf has said. That he wasn't thinking right, that he can't remember, and he's amazed at the things he did while he was in "the black hole". He said he loved me, but couldn't FEEL the love he knew he should be feeling for me. That it haunted him, and he started searching for happiness and relief from the black fog that surrounded him every day. He left and was deeper depressed and couldn't catch happiness. He didn't pull out of his fog until he was treated for his depression and says he doesn't know the person he was while we were separated. He totally can't relate to who he was or the things he did then.

You are correct that depression is something that you will most likely deal with long term. It isn't easy, but it's easier knowing what his illness is and how it can affect him. Most importantly, he has a name for his unhappiness now, and it's not mine! We also battle sexual issues (mostly due to ADs). For a long time I thought it was fallout from his R with ow. He felt guilty for hurting her. He felt guilty that she didn't mean anything to him. He felt guilty for hurting me and our kids. Most of all, he felt like he had missed out on so much while we were separated and just wanted to move on. He doesn't want to waste a minute of time talking about the past, or hashing out reasons. I was unable to accept that for a long time, but I've come to realize we have a reason. Depression. We can't figure out logically what happened and how our depressed WAS felt because everything they went through defies logic. That's why it's an illness that is treated.. it's not normal.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing! I hope it helps you just a little that there is another WAH out here whose experience mirrors your bf's. I truly don't think you have a thing to worry about in the future. I'm living that future in my R and it's FABULOUS. Accept it.. you deserve it!!

[goodattitudegirl]

Ali and Piglet2,

Thank you for sharing. I'm struggling with the 1 year anniversary of "the bomb" in 3 days. Your insights and encouragement help put some of the puzzle pieces together.

GAG

[AliSuddenly]

GAG - I am so glad it helps you.. I tried to find answers the whole time we were apart and I know my sitch is one type (the depressed WAS, no PA.. he dated ow once we were apart 10 months).. but some of the things he did seem pretty standard for the boards, so I am glad to post stuff about his thinking!

Piglet.. wow, I'm stunned. Thats an incredible story, thank you so much for reading and posting to me! I feel like you, that we will be fine in the future. Like you, my bf is being VERY loving, more even than he was the first 9 years. My Mum and Dad stayed with us last night (which was lovely and special).. my Mum said, wow, he looks so relaxed and happy and you two have just picked up where you left off, like the 18 months never happened.. She sees it and like you, its improved though and better than ever.

Wow and this sounds exactly as my bf speaks to me, exactly..

my H has said everything that your bf has said. That he wasn't thinking right, that he can't remember, and he's amazed at the things he did while he was in "the black hole". He said he loved me, but couldn't FEEL the love he knew he should be feeling for me. That it haunted him, and he started searching for happiness and relief from the black fog that surrounded him every day. He left and was deeper depressed and couldn't catch happiness. He didn't pull out of his fog until he was treated for his depression and says he doesn't know the person he was while we were separated. He totally can't relate to who he was or the things he did then.

Interesting about the guilt over ow, the convo we had was about how he felt guilty for starting anything with her even, as she was nothing to him (yet she loved him). He keeps saying he doesnt know what he was thinking, it was a madness decision to date her, but he said he has largely let go of the guilt he felt for her. I finally told him something I had found out, that ow had been chasing Cher's brother.. who is good looking but only 22 and very annoying! I said perhaps he should stop worrying about her now, she seems capable of moving on.. since then, he seems to feel better about it.

His guilt toward me though is even stronger at the moment. I was able to validate that though and say, yes, I know how bad you feel, now you know how I felt after my EA, its just horrendous.. the antidotes are doing right by your partner now, making up for lost time as you say and also, just give it time. He liked that I completely understood.

I told him last night, I feel so lucky, to be lying in your arms again. He said HE was the lucky one. I said I was lucky, it could have been a different story, if it had worked out with ow, he could've been living with her instead now.. he said, no that could never have happened with her, I said, why not? He said, becuase you are my soulmate.

Thanks sooo much for posting Piglet, its very helpful to know someone else has walked in my shoes.

[kat727]

You are truly lucky. I think he was dealing maybe more with the depression which was increased by his Dad's passing. Helen wasn't the OW in the regular sense, so I think that worked in your favor.

I did e-mail Priya and asked which planets etc were involved in my soul connection. If I explained that well enough hopefully I will have an answer I can pass on to you soon. I did give you all of those squares, ascendants and sextiles that related to Venus, Pluto and the moon off of astro.com but not sure that they made sense. I did find a blog that Steve Gunn wrote regarding soul connections. It described it pretty much the way I feel. So I am not losing it because I have this connection. I understand that we both aren't necessarily on the same page but will eventually get there.

Have a fun trip. kat