A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

He knows the word because of some research we both did on Aspergers. See, kidlet has had trouble fitting in at school and has twice been the victim of severe bullying, the kind that draws blood and causes suicidal ideation. He's also got a very adult vocabulary and a high school reading level, so we were told to investigate Asperger Syndrome.

To make a long story short, I don't think kidlet is on the spectrum. I think the social probs are more due to the fact that his Wechsler came back with a notation that he couldn't be adequately assessed due to low ceilings.

H and I both had similar peer-group issues as kids. Being female, I didn't face getting beaten up (just wicked teasing), and H decked the aggressor the first time someone tried and never had to deal with it again.

In today's school climate, though, decking the aggressor is not an option, and while H was a very solidly built kid, kidlet is more lanky/willowy and looks like more of a target.

But back to perseverating. Yes, he does it. It's fairly common among programmers and engineers, no? But I don't think he does to an abnormal degree. Perhaps I'm mincing words and being over-kind, though, so I'll think on it some.

[Dia]

Oh, and re: over-leveraged:

One of our perennial issues is me being able to get enough time and attention from him, esp. in competition with the time he spends on the computer. At present, the balance is working. I suspect it's the sort of thing that will require continual, periodic monitoring and adjustment with us.

Of greater concern to me is that when someone or something tries to pull him out of a project he's perseverating on, he's snappish and scowling about it. Tolerable when it's me b/c I know it's not about me. Less tolerable when it's kidlet.

Example not related to computer: the 'no talking during movies' rule because it breaks his concentration.

[Sara]

My antennae say that OW accused him of ignoring her and being obsessed with his personal life. I think there is trouble in OW Paradise.

[Coach]

That's a interesting question your husband asked. He risked being vulnerable. What we want from our women is to be respected (accepted) the way we are. That's why a dog is man's best friend. Let him know you see that trait as a strength and that you would let him know when it might be a detriment to him. Let him know you are proud of him. We all want to be appreciated and that we matter. You can handle it.

Cheers

[Dia]

Heh - I did wonder if there had been a fight with OW over the weekend. There were some occasions where he felt sort of off-kilter, plus I am virtually certain they had a phone call the night of our anniv. dinner. (her name was on his i-phone screen for a brief moment before he handed it to me)

I can just imagine how that played...

H: Sorry OW. Can't talk now. Wife and I are going out to dinner.

[Kettricken]

Very common among engineers and programmers; almost definitive (wink).

For us it's been a balancing act. I've come to recognize "work mode" and not expect much unless the house is literally on fire during that phase and not get my panties in a bunch when I'm ignored. He's become much more self-aware of how much is too much and the negative effects on both our relationship and his mental/emotional balance. And recognizing the point of diminishing returns with regard to the perseverating.

Sounds like you're pretty aware of the necessary monitoring and possible pitfalls.

[Dia]

That's a interesting question your husband asked. He risked being vulnerable. What we want from our women is to be respected (accepted) the way we are. That's why a dog is man's best friend. Let him know you see that trait as a strength and that you would let him know when it might be a detriment to him. Let him know you are proud of him. We all want to be appreciated and that we matter. You can handle it.

Cheers

Interesting take, Coach. My answer was probably sufficient then, though not wonderful.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Maybe....
But.... don't use too much energy trying to analyze it!

You are doing the things you need to be doing, no matter what the case. Don't let his actions throw you right now. I think he's in that confused place... he has to find his way out on his own, all you can do is make it safe for him.

[Dia]

Well, here's a story from my own childhood.

My mother was working in the basement one winter afternoon and asked me to put the kettle on for hot chocolate, which I did. I think I was 12, maybe. Then I went into the LR to read.

The kettle boiled, whistled until it boiled dry, then commenced melting itself onto the electric coil of the burner. I never heard a thing. What finally tore my attention away from the book was the 'something's burning' smell.

[Dia]

Maybe....
But.... don't use too much energy trying to analyze it!

You are doing the things you need to be doing, no matter what the case. Don't let his actions throw you right now. I think he's in that confused place... he has to find his way out on his own, all you can do is make it safe for him.

Thanks, Jeff! And safe is really what I'm working on for him.

He feels safe in an ordered house. He feels safe in an environment of praise and acceptance. He feels safe when there is little or no pressure on the R.

As for angst over his R with OW - well, knowing him as I do, he crossed a line with me last night. Yes, he can rationalize it by minimizing - "We just watched a movie on the couch." But for someone who is allegedly being exclusive with/loyal to OW, he crossed the line and he knows it. So I'm guessing (mind reading) that some of his anxiety, conflictedness and sleeplessness might be due to guilt over 'cheating' on OW. And his use of perseverating might even be related to what we might call an obsessively stubborn position regarding fidelity to a married (but divorcing) woman who lives 3000 miles away and he only sees 4-5x/year?

Understandable if so, but - Not my problem!!