A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[mindfull]

Swooooooooooooosh!

[Dia]

Hi Dia

They just don't stop testing do they.

No, they don't - but to be fair, neither do we. In fact, the test last week was that after his buddies logged off, he continued to poke around in the game environment til nearly midnight. All the other weeks, he's logged off when they did and then come to me to chat. I think he wanted to see if I'd pout.

I didn't. I read, then went to sleep when I was tired.

Can it get more drama-free than that?

And Hiya, MF!!

[Dia]

About goals....

I need some new goals.

My previous ones were:

1) Demonstrates in word or deed that he is happy to see me.

2) Initiates conversation with me via phone, email and/or in person.

3) Invites me to do something with him, even if just a movie at home.

4) Initiates affectionate touches - e.g. hugs.

All of these have been met in spades. What can you folks think of for new ones? I'm having trouble with magnitude. I'm thinking of:

1) Extended cuddle in the hammock (elsewhere is ok).

2) Initiates a kiss, even if on the cheek.

3) Invites or allows me to sleep in the Master bed.

4) Asks me on a 'date' - no kidlet.

I'm wondering if those are too big of a jump? If so, what are some good in-between ones?

First off, I mis-spoke in the post above. DR does not call these goals as one cannot set goals for another person. They are 'signs' that things are getting better. At any rate...

1) Extended cuddle - CHECK

4) Date - I initiated it, but because it was our anniversary I think it counts. - CHECK


So that leaves me with the following (renumbered):

1) Initiates a kiss, even if on the cheek.

2) Invites or allows me to sleep in the Master bed with him.

and I'll add two more..

3) Offers me space in the Master closet.

4) Says "I love you" to me.

[girlfromoz]

I don't think there are any problems with your new set of goals there aren't any in between ones that I could think of, to me they follow on very nicely from your existing goals.

I have been a bit slack and haven't had time to write down my goals, something that I should do today if I have some time at work maybe at lunch.

[Dia]

H came home looking tired, restless and conflicted. He greeted me nicely and hugged me, though a more lukewarm hug than usual (this is ok).

We chatted a teensy bit about our days and then H flopped on the couch looking pensive.

H: Dia, am I different from two years ago?

Dia: (Crap! Where is this going??) Yes you are, but what do you mean?

H: Do I perseverate more?

Dia: (WTF??!?) Hmmm, well, let me tell you the differences I see, and then I'll address that one. You do more housework. You're a much more active and engaged parent. You have friends, projects and outside interests. As for perseverating, it's hard to tell. You've lived alone for a long time, so you've had the luxury of being able to focus your attention on whatever you want, for however long you want. So I can't really tell if you do it *more*, or if I just get in your way less.

H: <listening>

Dia: I don't think you perseverate beyond the norm, though. I don't see anything out of line with it.

H: Well, that's good. It's what I *want* to do. (being able to focus on his projects)

So here's where I screwed up...

Dia: Has it been hard for you to have kidlet full time and then me back in the house, too?

I only wanted to draw out the conversation and show empathy, but *that* road is not one I should have have traveled.

H <somewhat guardedly>: It's felt crowded, but there have been good things, too.

So then I started supper and H went to play his game. He seemed more relaxed, and thanked me sincerely when I brought him a beverage and supper to his desk.

Wow - I expected withdrawal out of him, not introspection and questioning. Also of note, there's more me, me, me on his mind (meaning him, him, him), which feels kind of WAS-y. On the other hand, differentiation is all about trying to figure out how to be *me* AND be in a relationship, too, so I guess the me-introspection is likely productive?

Reactions? Interpretations?

Edit: And I wonder if he stayed awake thinking last night or slept poorly. He had that 'I can't keep my eyes open' look to him.

[girlfromoz]

Oh heavens, this is way out of my league. What does perseverate mean - sorry to sound silly.

[The Wifey]

".........but there have been good things, too."

Give yourself a pass woman. Just don't make a habit of it.

[Dia]

perseverate - to focus intently, even obsessively, on something - usually to the exclusion of all else. Comes from the word 'persevere'.

Not silly, it's an unusual word and I'm surprised he used it. You only typically hear it in one of two contexts: about autistics or in a clinical/counseling setting related to something like OCD.

To be clear, I think he does perseverate, just not abnormally so.

[Kettricken]

Doesn't it include the sense of borderline obsession or a sense of incompleteness, almost akin to OCD? Not being able to or feeling safe to let things go mentally, even if (the logical) part of you wants to? (oh, you said some of that)

My h. has some symptoms of being mildly on the spectrum, so it's a concept we've dealt with, along with what he refers to as "hyperfocus" (not a good thing if it persists too long).

It is an unusual word. The fact that he used it might seem to indicate that he's wondering if he should be worried about it or not.

Don't soft-pedal your true observations. Now we're getting into some me-projecting, so be forewarned: Was he mentally and/or emotionally overleveraged before in your marriage, to the detriment of you and/or kidlet? Or temporally ditto? If it was a problem, and you both know it was a problem ... give him an honest answer to his feelers.

You've been giving him a lot of positive responses in the shape of not flipping out about gaming time, etc. He may be trying to suss out how far he can or should indulge in his personal pursuits going forward.

I don't think it serves you well, long term, to give an overly-accomodating response in pursuit of being the good little 180 soldier, tempting as it probably is.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hey Dia!

Don't try to over analyze it. I think the big thing is that he thought to ask you, he wanted your opinion. That strikes me as significant.

You probably should have not said what you did, but I don't think you really hurt anything.