I do agree, but at the moment there is no financial way for her to move out. I mean zero! So I am stuck in the "just life with it" area. I have no legal way to change the locks. She is trying to save up to get her own place, but that is a few months off. I did mention once a few months ago to just leave and she replied "well get a lawyer to make that happen". Of course I can't afford a lawyer....Overall I am in a lousy spot on the financial end of things. I did okay on the career path and had a good job that paid decent, better than average but not great. My wife being a SAHM did not contribute financially to the house, so there was no real savings and since being layed off...that is gone now too....so I am trapped.
Knowing that I am trapped financially, I just had to concede certain battles. Which sucks! The actually scarier reality for me is that the guy friend is moving soon (another victim of the economy) and my wife is starting to talk to the abusive GF again. My wife was worse mood wise when with her...I mean down right evil! She has already told me that she will start hanging out with ex-GF again once guy friend is gone.....then I may have to change the locks!
One thing I have learned through this..is I have to pick my battles very wisely and weigh all outcomes. Most of the battles I have passed on, and could be viewed as doormat type behavior, are ones were that I feel will negatively impact my children. Is it better to have a wife not here and out with guy friend or have her hear all moody and taking it out on the kids and I?
Just to clarify...I do think my wife is in a severe MLC (withdrawal stage is my guess at current phase) and wants nothing to do with my kids or I. So would you leave your kids with some one who doesn't want to be a parent? Or would you rather have that parent be gone as mush as possible? Sometimes having a peaceful house may mean being a doormat, but that is still better than a war zone!
I hear you regarding picking your battles, but come on man this is pure BS that she is doing. What are your kids learning, that Dad is okay with Mom having a boyfriend because it will keep her from being mean?
Everyone has to do what they think is best in their situation but I really don't see any "best" in this at all. Have you thought about telling her to just go move in with the BF, GF or whoever and set up a visitation schedule for her to see the kids. Then she would be out of the house all the time and you wouldn't have to deal with any of her pissy attitude.
I know you feel like you are in delimna, but perhaps if you take a stand on this it will force a bit of reality into her. JMO.
If you think your wife is in MLC, you might want to post over there. There are some really fine folks who have got all this down, and can give you a lot of fantastic advice. I was over there for a while, and the people there can quote MLC scripture by verse. If you don't want to post, then at least read some of the stuff. MLC is a whole different ball game, and some of the DBing rules do not apply. It is special...lol
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lola-I have read a lot of the MLC postings and have really confirmed that is what my wife is in. I came to this page more because I wanted the tested veterans more than anything else. I know that I will soon be separated and will have to deal with anger when it arrives. Yes...MLC is special and some rules don't apply, but coming up with which ones do takes time and sadly...a lot of pain.
Searching-There definitely is no "best" thing to do in my situation. I think the oddity of the situation is the main reason why I have never had many responders in the past. Even experienced DB'ers are truly "WTF"...I will go into more detail later in this post if I have time. The gist for me is there is a distinct difference between "inaction" and the "inability" to act. If my finances were different, she would be gone long ago. Since I technically can't kick her out....she has to go on her own free will. Which she is trying to do. Trust me...I have been at this knowingly for over 1.5 years. I have tried suggestions from Puppy and Forrest...I have tried being friends tactics from others...nothing has worked.
My Wife's history-
Mother-Sweet lady who suffers from depression and is highly critical. She is hard to talk with and has an opinion about everything..divorced father and never got remarried
Sister-Younger and suffers from depression regularly. Nice girl, but is very self centered and blames everybody else for her problems
Dad-Left when wife was 12...had enough of mom. Married a woman who is 6 years older than wife and started new family. Acknowledges wife and siblings, but is more focused on new family. Hard to describe relationship with kids...more like he did enough to be a dad, but nothing more
Older brother (and big key)-Tormented family as child. Wife reports of him destroying toys, stealing her belongings, etc..etc. To this day lives in his car and as made nothing of his life. My wife can't stand being in the same room as him. Sometimes I almost wonder if there was some sexual abuse, but there was definitely sexual and physical abuse.
I will continue with this later...I have four bored kids on my hands...lol
So my wife grows up in house continually tormented by brother. Eventually moves out to dads and then college. During this time has a string of relationships...nothing special. Graduates college and marries a guy with MS. Wife works hard to make life for herself, while husband blames all his problems on MS and does little or nothing. Relationship eventually turns verbally and physically abusive. Wife begins affair with her best friends husband (compulsive cheater that was sleeping with at least two other woman than my wife and his wife). My wife moves out of her house into an apartment....first time she is really alone and able to do her thing with no responsibilities. Six months later I come along and sweep her off her feet. I told her right away that I wanted marriage...spooks her, but I am what she needs at that time. Her divorce is finalized and we move into her house. A year later, the night before my college graduation, she proposes to me! Then we go though a few boring years of just good relationship stuff.
We decide to have a baby (big chore since there were medical issues) and have a son. He is has chronic ears problems etc. Things are still good between us. Two years later we try for number two. During her pregnancy she starts having problems controlling our son (now 2), at one point he actually attacks her, and she has a breakdown. She is transferred to a new office about 1.5 hours away and is driving daily to work. She quits her job and decides to be a SAHM. I support it, though scared because my pay is low at this point.
Through the next few years, sex decreases, but we are still good. The usually romantic husband and wife stuff. My wife continues to have problems with our son. Can't control him and I am not to good at dealing with it either (son eventually diagnosed with ADD).
In lure of more money and lack of snow, we move south. I get big raise, but also work a lot more. Wife does okay, makes a lot of new friends, goes out regularly, etc. We still seem to be okay, but problems continue with our son.
Year later we move farther south. Problems start right away. Wife can't make friends, etc. Meets GF (another compulsive cheater...has slept with at least 5 married people that I know of) and it goes from there down hill to were we are today.
At this point my wife doesn't want to be a mother or wife. She loves her daughter dearly, but really has no relationship with our son. I feel that our son reminds her of her brother. Our relationship is very different in comparison to most on here. There have been some tense battles, but a lot less than the norm. She has actually expressed remorse more than once! She has also stated I am a marvelous man and a great father! But she wants to be free of the responsibility of being a wife and mother. So I end up here preparing for separation....making some kick butt marinara and meatballs.
Lola-Read your story....very interesting and how you handled it...extraordinary...I feel lucky to have your insight
Searching-Still catching up on yours...but thank you for the comments and know that I do hear what you are saying
It is just so out of the norm...not that being on this board is normal...lol. There is a better break down in my old threads. Of course initially I thought it was all about the affair, but now I know better. So I live day by day...trying to be as detached as possible. Most days I succeed, some days I fail.
Thanks for sharing your story. You have some tough decisions to make but I think it would be good to just step back, look at the actions you have taken so far and the progress you have made, i.e. the end state of where you want to be. What's working and what's not working.
A part of me senses that you are enabling your W's behavior and as long as you do that then things really aren't going to change. I do understand that finances can impact decisions to a certain extent - however I think in your situation you could take more control of what is going on. What would happen if you told your wife, enough is enough. She can continue to live with you and your kids IF she ends the running around with OM/OW. You are not throwing her out, you're merely setting boundaries. I do wish you the best of luck - your kids are lucky to have at least one stable parent, continue to be there for them.
Thanks for the compliment, although I don't feel extraordinary. I just realized that life goes on regardless. In the immortal words of Morgan Freeman "get busy livin' or get busy dyin'".
Ultimately it is how you work on yourself. Regardless of whether or not your W comes back, you work on being the best you that you can be, for you. I think for me, it was about accepting me the way that I am, and making a few minor changes. I think when we are married, sometimes we lose sight of ourselves. I had to find out who I was again. And now that I have, I realize I really like me. I am not perfect, but I can live with that.
What makes you YOU?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Searching- Initially I was very enabling...almost disgustingly so. My confidence had been shaken so bad that I would have bowed down to just about anybody. Now I am more at the point were I don't want to rock the boat anymore. I know she is planning on leaving as soon as she can...so why push the issue? At this time I see it only as creating more stress in a place that is stressed out already. I do mention to her about spending money and she does keep it under control. As far as spending time with the children....she has missed a lot that will never happen again. Times that will never be recaptured for her....and that is her loss. My kids will regret that she wasn't there for my daughters first soccer goal, a fun day at the beach, or the loss of a first tooth, but I was and that is the reality of it all. I think for a lot of the WAS on here, they will find Karma to be a b@tch someday, especially in situations with children.
Lola-I do agree that in marriage, spouses tend to lose some of what made them different to begin with. Individuality is lost, instead of embraced. I read a book and they went into great detail on how so many marriages fall into dependency as opposed to interdependency. My marriage was definitely about dependency to the max. So many of the things we enjoyed to do...ended with the children arriving. Not that children are bad, but we didn't keep up with ourselves.
When this all started I did a big self-review instead of lashing out with hatred (well a little hatred and pursuing..lol) and what I saw in the mirror wasn't good. The first glaring problems were that I was working to much for a company that didn't care and I was way out of shape. I started working less which allowed more time for me and more importantly...more time with my children. Then I started working out...hard. I had never been a skinny model type person, but I had always been in shape. I wasn't in shape any longer and that was fundamentally against who I had been for years. Then I started to look for things from there that I could do including the kids such as hiking...etc.
I found those parts relatively easy...it was wrestling with the emotional parts that I found difficult. The feelings of being a failure and less than a man. It took time, but I had to realized that even some of my faults were strengths that most people can't accept. I am very loyal...whether it was my employees or friends. Some people take advantage of that, but it is part of who I am. I was pounded to the point of thinking of it as a weakness and then I embraced it as a strength.
Currently...I am content with who I am. Things might not be great because of things outside of my control, but I am content. I am a good father and husband (my wife will even say so), I am successful, and I am 20 pounds from being pretty hot...lol.
On to the latest events....watched all four kids last night to about 6:30. The neighbors wife had a doctors appointment take forever so I ended up watching them longer. The marinara sauce came out good, but I needed to boil it longer. Finally jump in the shower at 8 and the wife comes home. I walk out of the bathroom and she has this look on here face and asks "Are you going somewhere?". I wasn't going anywhere, but I might need to change that. I don't get out during the week because I am doing things with kids and sometimes late work. She did seem to take notice of me showering though..who knows? So overslept a little and got the kids to the school bus and return home to a wife all chipper and joking around all the time before she left to work. She was actually joking and talking so much it was a little annoying.....I was still tired! So maybe next week I will go out during the week once the kids go to bed...that would be a new 180 for me. Once she left, I did what little work I had to do and started my morning torture rituals. Worked out with weights and then off to the park for a 4 mile walk. Walk was awesome and I include one of my latest 180's into it. I have challenged myself to say "hello" to 10 people I don't know everyday....it is actually quite fun! Of course saying hello to some 20 something female can always be fun for the confidence levels. From there went out to lunch with a friend at local mexican joint...yummy except I need to go walk another 4 miles now...lol.
What a weekend! LOL...the kids go to school far a week and then a long weekend. The downside is that we had little to do and for the most part the neighborhood kids weren't around...can you say BORED children leads to parent insanity...lol.
Friday-Usual happenings...The kids got home from school and went out to play. I had to deal with my son BORROWING his best friends toy. After serious thought and deliberation, decided no tv, computer, nintendo, or going inside friends house for the weekend. Wife came home and then went out with her friends....I hung out with the kids and then crashed early.....
Saturday-Got up and took kids grocery shopping...back home around noon to find wife still in bed. She was extremely moody, but not my problem. She leaves around 3 and I tell her that I going to take the kids to the movies. So goof off the rest of the afternoon and take kids to the 8:00 showing of GI Joe (a lot more violence than I remember, but I don't think kids will be scarred for life). Get home at 10:30 and wife is home and sound asleep...Hmmmmm
Sunday-Wife is moody and asks me about the "cave". I try to describe the man's cave to her, but it is kind of hard to describe. Come to find out guy friend sent her home because he wanted to go home and be by himself. OK..no problem. So I take kids to park to play and return home to find her trying to make plans with a co-worker about going for a motorcycle ride. I tell her she better be up front with him that she isn't interested because I don't want a pissed off wife or girlfriend coming to my door. She says she is not interested at all in this guy...and I state that I don't want some one to get the wrong impression (When wife mentioned wanting to go for a bike ride before...co-worker offered...she said to him "What will your girlfriend think?" and his reply was "I don't care what she thinks"...some people are such a@@holes). So I decide to take kids to local fair and her plans fall through, so I ask her if she wants to come. She says maybe and I get around doing my thing (she gets text from co-worker that he will be at a local bar). As we are going out the door I ask again.."Do you want to go?". She starts crying and says no I don't, please go. Which I do...fair wasn't much fun, basically little shopping places and that's it. A few rides for the kids, but I am not paying $3 a kid for 30 seconds of fun! Return home and she is gone. She returns from the bar about an hour after we get back even moodier. Turns out guy friend returned to bar Saturday night after she left and stayed to closing...so she is pissed off that he lied to her and is pushing her away (Karma is a bitch).
Monday-She chats with old college buddy and then joins me in conversation. Basically how she has lost the drive she used to have. Asks me about it and I tell her that was one of things that I was attracted to her for. She mentions that she doesn't remember having drive and I roll off examples of it. Asks me when did it disappear, with the children? To which I reply, sadly yes...it disappeared with them...sometimes the truth sucks, but it is the truth. Then she talks about the separation and she says her friend gets it...that she doesn't really think she wants a divorce...just some time and space. Oh the confusion!
Today-Some lousy business calls...seems like everybody I talk too is barely hanging on now. Very sad....good news is the weather was perfect for a run. Hit the park and pushed out a 5K in 28:33. I am very pleased with that since my ankle is still hurting and I have only been running again for about two weeks.
Here is something for you to think about. Why is your wife looking for anyone to pay attention to her, but you? It seems like she is starving for someone to be attracted to her and when she doesn't get it she becomes as you say "moody". Do you know what that is all about? How old is she? The fact that she says "that she doesn't greally think she wants a divorce...just some time and space", sounds to me like MLC talk. Is she looking to sow some wild oats and then come back and settle down with you? If that is her plan, how are you with all of this? Is that what you want to settle for yourself?
