A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

I looked back through the secret email acct. I created it on 8/25/08, almost exactly 1 year post-separation.

2008

Sept - 40 emails
Oct - 26 emails
Nov - 14 emails
Dec - 18 emails

2009

Jan - 13 emails
Feb - 3 emails
March - 23 emails
April - 44 emails
May - 74 emails
June - 63 emails
July - 119 emails
August - almost none - because I'm here.

[Dia]

Maybe it's different for every WAW, but for me, it looked like this.

Note that I'm only talking about me. In large part, that's because he wasn't talking. During our settlement talks, he talked about wanting to work on our communication, to work on our relationship, not as married partners but as... whatever we were to each other at the time. I was willing, but whenever I'd try to talk about it, he wouldn't. Go figure.

Anyhow, this email is dated 10/02/08, about 14 months post-sep. I'm clearly out of the fog and had been for some time, really.
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10/02/08

Subj: On rejection...

This may be difficult to read, so please read it at a time when it's not going to interfere with work or otherwise spoil whatever you have going on . I'd also like to clarify the tone of the message. Please try not to interpret anything I'm going to say as an attack, or a laundry list of complaints. I am not writing this to berate or insult you, or to express bitterness, anger, etc. I'm writing this in an attempt to communicate openly and honestly about some thoughts and reflections I've had about our marriage. I'm hoping you will be able to read this with an open mind and an open heart. I'm hoping you will truly *listen*, and in listening, that you will try to see things through my eyes - not because I think I'm right (and I'll be admitting places where I've been quite wrong) - but because it may bring understanding and empathy.

I think our number one problem was feelings of rejection - on both sides. I felt utterly rejected, unloved and devalued, and I know you did, too. I know you were telling me that you loved me, but from your actions, it was hard to read anything but avoidance, disinterest and dislike. It seemed you'd rather be anywhere or doing anything than spending time with me. I felt like your computer, alcohol, your friends, your games, your various activities all came first, and I got the leftovers, if anything. I felt abandoned and worthless.

When I think back on our date nights, I think that we made a good effort, we tried. But as I ponder it, I think maybe in a marriage, in a family, instead of one or two nights a week set aside for spouse and/or family, maybe it should be the other way around. Maybe MOST nights should be for spouse and family, and one or two nights get set aside for friends or outside activities.

One of the ways I tried to cope was by using my own computer as a shield. If I could convince myself (and you, too) that I was happily gaming or surfing, then I didn't feel the rejection so keenly when it seemed that you'd rather be on your computer than be with me. Sometimes it was even kind of petty, and I mean ME being petty. On the one hand, it was very logical and practical for me to schedule online gaming sessions on the same nights you did. But I remember one time in particular when your game got cancelled on short notice and you came to me to spend time together. To do so, I'd have had to cancel what I was doing, too. It felt unfair. I felt like I was second best, like the friend you only call when everybody else is busy. I felt like there was an assumption on your part that nothing I was doing carried the same importance or value as what you were doing. So I told you no, and I was kinda snarky about it. I'm sorry.

In reality, I'd have loved for you to lavish attention on me, and me lavish attention on you. I'd have loved to cuddle and read to each other, to touch, laugh, talk and make love. But not as an afterthought, not as second best.

I know you felt rejected over my computer use as well, and for that I apologize. In the months we've been apart, I've re-evaluated my thoughts on cybersex. It was harmful to our relationship. It allowed me, even encouraged me, to seek affection and emotional attention from someone other than you. Though I never meant it to be a threat to our relationship, it was. It was like a crack that allowed rot to seep in. What I got from them, I wanted from you - and I should have been seeking from you and only you. This was entirely my error and my fault. I apologize deeply and profusely for hurting you and for hurting our marriage.

I still game, but there is no cyber and there hasn't been since I left the Shelby house. In fact, there pretty much wasn't for several months before I left either. I think I was beginning to see that it was hurting us, and that it wasn't what I really wanted anyway. Maybe if I'm completely single, I might try it again sometime but I doubt it. And in a relationship, I will never do it again. I've decided that at least for me, it's dangerous and wrong - not because I form too strong an attachment to the other person, but because it allows my relationship with my partner to languish and starve.

Looking back on our mutual computer use, I think we often used the computer as a shield, as a way of avoiding rejection. "If I'm busy with this, then I don't have to risk him/her wanting to do something else besides spend time with me." Unfortunately, this only created that which we feared and sough to avoid - which was rejection.

Unless you tell me you don't want to hear them, you may get more emails like this - expressing thoughts and feelings about us. Is this ok?

Dia
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*note re: cybersex - I never hid this. He knew and said he didn't care. It was part of online gaming where one role-plays characters, and sometimes relationships. I say this by way of explanation, not by way of defense. My (re)assessment of it above stands.

And note re: date nights - we virtually always watched movies at home on date nights. Sounds great and sometimes it was, but H gets really annoyed if people talk during date nights, so much of the time we watched the movie in complete silence. Not great for someone whose LL is QT (me). And by the time the movie was done, it was 11 pm and we were too tired to talk or ML. And trying to ML before the movie, well, I needed him to actually TALK TO ME first, and at the time, he was resenting that.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Dia,

I just finished reading your post (lurking)…what a remarkable story. I truly hope you guys find it possible to be back into each other’s hearts once again. Your one statement about “looking back, it was obvious that I didn't want to pursue the divorce because I was so lackadaisical about getting the papers done” really stood out for me. Did you know you were stalling at the time or was it subconscious? My W threatened to file for divorce back in May, but did not. Just two weeks ago, my W again threatened to file for divorce. I’m yet to be served with papers.

I keep telling myself to follow her actions and not her words. Her words definitely suggest she wants out of this marriage. Her actions suggest something different. I’m just curious for your opinion from the female perspective. We do have plans for Retrovaille...I hoping we can make it through the next six weeks.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[Dia]

A lot of it was subconscious. OM was on my case all the freaking time to get the papers done. My therapist was pointing out that not doing them was sending a certain message to OM and did I really want to send that message. Even H, when I asked him if this is really what he wanted, would dodge the question and say he thought it was 'for the best'.

But I didn't want to file those godforsaken papers. I didn't want to be divorced. I caved to the pressure from OM, from my therapist, from H - and I hate that I did that.

So ride it out, folks, even if your WAS *does* initiate a filing. Don't help them meet deadlines, don't be too hasty to get things all negotiated out. Leave it entirely on the WAS.

Later, I knew I was stalling and I stalled on purpose. But in the beginning, it was subconscious.

[Dia]

Sounds great and sometimes it was, but H gets really annoyed if people talk during date nights, so much of the time we watched the movie in complete silence.

This should read - 'H gets really annoyed if people talk during *movies*'.

[dolphin_05]

Wow, Dia, that was an amazing response. I was expecting a line or two..........

I thank you sincerely for giving so much time to give the explanation. I can see many parallels in how we have handled things but I think that the main difference is you had a period of virtually nil contact which we haven't had.

We've also had lots of positive interactions including family time but that's what is construed as 'cake eating' and a no-no.
There's been lots of opportunity for H to say no to events and activities but he has come along and this gives me the impression that he has not closed the door. However, I try to control it by being impatient and asking him to step closer which he cannot handle. Invariably when I pressure him there's a blow up; his way of reducing the pressure and moving things back to square 1 a position he is really comfortable with.

I have analysed ow quite a bit in all this and can see she is a friend, a diversion perhaps but can't see her as the permanent long term partner...could be wrong of course.

Definitely lots of food for thought and I am so grateful for your frank and honest sharing of information.

You are a talented and entertaining writer, Dia. I have enjoyed reading your posts and will continue to have my daily updates, all the time sending you wishes for your ongoing patience and the speediest of reconciliations.

Cas

[Dia]

Here's another email to H, dated Jan 17, 09. We had just gotten off the phone from a really good chat. We laughed, we joked - it was like old times. Over the phone, I could hear one of our cats meowing, so he snapped a pic of her and sent it to me via email.
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1/17/09

A thought or two...

I'm single. It's a little strange, and I guess at the moment, it's only in my head. I haven't officially broken it off with OM, though that will probably come any day now. He hasn't been here for me to have the opportunity really, and I'm not going to send an email.

So being single, there this weird freedom. I can call you if I feel like it without worrying what OM or anyone will think. I'm my own person. I'm not sure what sort of arrangement you have with OW about it being exclusive or not, but that's yours to handle. If I feel like emailing you or calling you, I'm going to. If I feel like taking N to Disneyland some weekend and I feel like inviting you, I'm going to. Hell, if I have my own place and I feel like inviting you down for a weekend, I'm going to. And I'll leave you to manage whatever boundaries need to be managed on your side.

If the divorce gets kicked back for technical reasons, I will most likely not file it again. I will most likely decide that the universe just doesn't want us to get divorced and I will turn the papers over to you to file. If you file them, no harm, no foul. If you don't - well, we figure it out from there. No pressure, no expectations - but... I like you. I like talking to you, I like spending time with you. You 'get' me on a level I haven't found elsewhere and really like.

If I move out, I'm putting my wedding ring back on regardless of the legal situation. This isn't to make you feel any sort of guilt or obligation, it's just a statement of my own inner reality. I'm sooooo not interested in looking for anyone else.

Cheers,

Dia

[Dia]

Thank you, Cas. I lurk all the time in your sitch, but I'm frequently at a loss for anything to say other than "Hang in there" and that just seems so lame sometimes.

Know that I'm there in spirit even if I'm not there in text.

[dolphin_05]

You really just wrote it as you felt it, Dia. It has a no pressure feel but I guess if you had been in DB mode in those early days people on here would have said, "No, no, don't go there, don't say you're not interested in anyone else"

[bluerain]

Holy Moses Dia, I think that the guys we dated were related! I also have started to wear a ring again(I lost my wedding ring), but regardless of what happens in my M, I dont have it in me to devote myself to a new relationship, too much baggage, and Im simply not interested right now.

I have been thinking about writing a similar email to my H, I do think that its important for him to know that I accept responsibility for my part in things. Im not sure how it would go over, if it would be productive or not.

I think that I could use some hints from you over at my place... Ive got alot on my mind lately.