K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

K4D,

I haven't even read your thread but I can share a bit about me. I've figured out that I lose 5 lbs and a week's worth of forward progress every time I dig into W's facebook activity. When I'm in that mode it is destructive for me and I can almost see her running the other way.

Don't look. It is empowering. Just don't!

Redsoxfan,

I am not going to continue to look. I'm not sure what made me look this last time. I shouldn't have. I felt that crunch in my heart again that I hadn't felt in a while when I looked. Not gonna happen again.

Kevin

[The Wifey]

TGIF!! Hmm... what am I going to do? Well, I am going to go to an AA meeting tonight. Maybe I will go to 2 of them. I am going to a friends house tomorrow night for a house warming. Sunday I have mass and then I get my kids back on Sunday night.

I'm not sure what I am going to do during the day tomorrow and Sunday.

Kevin

I vote for you to go fishing. Nothing like drowning worms for a few hours to bring some peace and clarity to my head.

[Orich]

Remove her from your friends list.

[The Wifey]

I had forgotten all the pain I felt back then. Seeing that picture now brings back all that pain again.

That really hurts.

Kevin

Kevin, stop it. Don't look at her FB. It will only torture you. Remember Kev, its one day at a time and one lego at a time.

Pain never really gets forgotten, it just kind of gets scabbed over and then forms a permanent scar. Stop fishing for something to rip the scab off.

Your job is to shine brighter than any OM. You aren't going to do that this way. Focus Kevin, focus.

And thank you for your text telling me to enjoy my first day at school. I really needed it because I was pretty nervous and it really touched me that you cared.

[K4D]

And thank you for your text telling me to enjoy my first day at school. I really needed it because I was pretty nervous and it really touched me that you cared.

I do care. And you are very welcomed.

Kevin

[K4D]

I'm actually not a friend on her FB page. Way back when I sent an invitation to be friends and she never responded. But you can see who their friends are even if you are not their friend. And I don't know why I decided to look at it that night. Maybe it was because she started talking about taking trips all of a sudden again.

Either way, I am letting it go and putting it in the Lord's hands.

Kevin

[volleydog]

Funny thing...I check my FB about once every two weeks...Checked it yesterday got a few friend requests...For some reason I check it again today and it seems my W just put up a FB page, she was a friend suggestion for me...Funny since that's the first time I've ever checked it two days in a row. Didn't check her page and "x" her out so she doesn't come up again.

[K4D]

Thats a good idea VD. My W has also been suggested to me as a friend.

Kevin

[RedSoxFan]

Thats a good idea VD. My W has also been suggested to me as a friend.

Kevin

Ditto, even after she unfriended me a while back. Apparently they need to work on those recommendation algorithms ;-)

Click on the X and move on

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry you are here AGAIN but It's the Same question you asked in February of this year....LITERALLY. You got a variety of answers then, as you will now, but back then you chose to do the mostly angry thing, under the guise of self righteousness, and morality and here you are again...asking the same question

25, I am not doing the angry thing or self righteousness thing this time. I am handling things differently now than I used to.

Kevin

K4d,
Looking at her fb page at all, wondering about where she's going and with whom, b/c you are pondering why she's going on trips, and again debating involvement in OM's family, are exactly the same behaviors and questions you asked back then. I'm glad you seem to be done wrestling with the debate now. But Looking at it at all, and all this energy you spend on what she is doing and thinking and again where she's going and what she's feeling, are ALL same old same old...and it boils down to YOU taking the problem back from God, again.

If there's a chance of getting her back, it's from true detachment, which you do not understand and or accept. If there is no chance of her coming back- or if someone could see into the future and knew your wife's choice would not be to reconcile, you'd need to detach, so you could move on. The sooner the better for you and your daughters. Either way, detachment is the path you have to go. Truly trusting God would allow it. Not saying trust Him to give you your wants and wishes and force your w's choice, but trusting God that you will be alright no matter what she chooses.

God gave her free will. You refuse to believe that includes the risk of her not coming back at all, no matter what you say, or believe, or how strongly (but your faith isn't that strong or you'd stop checking and obsessing and hypothecating about her and her activities).

Look, Fine, you want to believe that by saying you have faith, that God will restore your M b/c He hates divorce, and by maybe someday truly handing it over to him then guarantees she'll come back, well --that's your choice and your life and you can do that if you want.

But rather than debating this, just realize and accept and practice what you preach about trust. Finally, DETACH from her, and that means reading up on it so you understand it better. I don't think you know the term's true meaning and there are links on your thread you have been sent many times about detachment. If you could actually do this for real, first off, you might have a chance, and second, you'd save yourself so much needless pain. (how many times have you been told this? Maybe your ears can hear it now?? I don't know...)

I do know Being a left behind spouse is hard enough as it is, why increase your pain and awareness of it all, by searching her fb page or seeing if she's online (the whole IM thing) and besides, What were you hoping to find?
As far as I'm concerned, Trust in God = detachment.

And you know sometimes you ought to look at what worked for other people who are married or had their div busted. I mean you get a lot of support here from people in the same boat, and God knows I did too. That IS a big reason for being here. Others who are feeling the same pain and relate to just getting through it. It helps a lot! I thank GOD for this site for that reason too. But I also needed to search out and find those ON this site who practiced DB techniques who had them work for them (There are other sites for other approaches if you want or insist, but this is Div Busting by MWD, so consider reading what worked here, and shop around for what you feel is best for you. But posting here, what is NOT DB, seems a bit stubborn and misplaced, literally and no, I'm not saying all that you post is not DB but some of it seems off topic).

Anyhow, sometimes when you notice a person here for a long time in the same boat doing the same thing, ask yourself, is that where/who you want to be? OR maybe they have a diff situation and are giving advice that tells you something that does not apply to yours. Or they want to punish, "In order to forgive" or some other stuff......Learn from what has worked for others and when I say worked, I mean either it restored their M, or they are truly happier now than before, with or without their WASs.

I'm telling you again, that my faith allowed me to accept that I had to create a happy life for myself and children, operating on the assumption that H was gone b/c--- HE WAS GONE!!...So truly detaching from my h's actions and obsessing about it all, saved MY life from 1) being consumed by my anger & pain, and 2) worrying about things over which I had NO control. And it lead me to finally be upbeat about MY life, making plans that did not include h, NOT to punish him, but to move on with my life b/c it seemed he was going his own way and

I came to believe that it was truly HIS LOSS if we div, b/c we are a great family and losing us was just enormously stupid of him....I believed it then, and I would now if he left again. Instead of focusing on what I was losing, I realized what a loss HE faced and though I felt sorry for him -- I moved on, and I suspect I projected the belief that I regretted his actions mostly for HIM, b/c we were going to be fine no matter what, and we went on a great trip without him, and I applied for jobs in other places b/c I COULD do so without wondering how it'd affect HIS career....and whoops! He noticed... gee, and that triggered some slow but major changes in him, and then some good things began to happen. Some of them all at once, and some more slowly but I KNOW FOR A FACT, B/C HE HAS TOLD ME, that my moving on --got him re-thinking things and he did not tell me this right away but I carried on, and eventually it stopped him in his tracks.... he missed what we had... A lot.

A lot of what you have done, and to some extent are still doing - would have stalled me out. I would not have started to move on. I'd be waiting angrily or sadly, and I'd be pining. If I had not moved on, realizing what I DID have in my life and how good it was and what a loss HE faced, I would have radiated my lonliness and empty life, and projected all those unfilled needs onto him, and that would probably have just ended the M for good.


Some people say "standing for their m," when what they really mean is waiting & not changing themselves....I'm throwing that out for you ponder, not react to or take offense to, just to ponder....I do believe
You need to take a breather from this topic (your M and wife) which demands so much of your attention. It fills your life up so much you really don't have much else going on.

I have over 6-7 things to do this long weekend (NOT all related to being with H) and I don't mean errands, so yeah, you still need to GAL so that your weekends and days without the girls are not mere fillers between time with the girls and...and a few AA meetings and...time with the girls, in there. At your church there are groups not all related to divorce or marriage. How about a team to play on, or a class to take? Your new job must offer something.... I don't want to re-hash the many many things CG & others have listed to you here on your own thread, so why not go re-read their many posts about all the FREE or cheap things you could be doing to GAL?

Make yourself happier. I hear so much loneliness in your posts and filler time. You have to create a happy life for yourself. WE ALL DO. Happiness does not just happen. I think it was Aristotle who said "Happiness is a virtue." It's also attractive, and it models something crucial for your d's.

Good luck,
J-