You told her you didn't want to compete the other day and then recently she told you she wants to maybe date you when she moves in to her new place - you telling her you don't want to compete doesn't register yet fully with her, trust me she asked and she will mention it again - watch for it, it will happen.
Actually, she brought the dating thing before I told her I wouldn't compete. She has touched me in a playful way a couple of tims since I didn't hug her. But for the most part she has been distancing herself as well.
Wednesday Evening: W called on trip home from out of town meeting and left the following message: "Hey its me umm I'm on my way from X and ummm just wanted to talk. umm <pause> I will call you later or I will see you at home. umm my phone is about to die so um I don't know if it will be able stay on for too much longer. But anyways, I was listening to your CD and I was thinking of you. um take care, talk to you later, bye bye."
It did lift my spirits, it sounded like she was really missing me. When I got home, I went for a walk with the girls and stopped by the store. W arrived while we were out. There was a non-chalant greeting when I arrived. I ate some dinner with W. I mentioned that I was sorry I missed her call, but I was on a conference call (which was true). She said it was no big deal. We didn't say much more.
After dinner, I started watching movie with girls. W went up stairs and fell asleep in our, which is now my, bed for about an hour. When she came down, I asked if she was tired. She said that she had been getting vertigo.
We put the girls to bed and she made a dash for bed saying "Have a good night."
Strange. Anyway, I got my books today. I am going to start reading one tonight.
I have already told her that I am not sure when I will be able to go to her new place, saying I needed to show my disapproval in some way.
Why would you say this? Do you tell her everything that you get for advice here also? "The guys/gals on the message board think I need to be more distant". There was this comment and the one about the hug yesterday that make it seem like you aren't actually upset, you are just following some script. Actually develop the backbone, don't just parrot what your IC says you should be doing. This seems really really wimpy, and that's unattractive.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Journaling: Thursday morning: D6 started kindergarten this morning. She woke up early, I woke up with her and helped get her lunch ready. W came up after lunch was made and said thank you. We were watching Talia pick out her clothes and my wife looks at me and says: "I know you can't give me a hug, but I am going to give you one and wraps her arms around me." She then follows D6 out of the room.
I sat there thinking that sounded very demeaning. After about a minute, I walked into the bathroom. M: "It's not that I can't" W: "I understand." M: "It's that I won't." W: "OK. I understand." M: "What you are doing is very destructive to our family." W: "Do we need to talk about this now. You are bursting my bubble. Lets just focus on the girls right now." - She was now agitated
I walk out and go downstairs for a while. When she came down, I acted as nothing happened. We both escort D6 to kindergarten (they asked parents to join children on first day). W didn't talk much during the event. We walked back and conversed a little, nothing big.
In general, I am feeling pretty good. I know this confidence stuff is coming slowly, but I think I am moving in the right direction. Thank you all for the criticism. I need it. It makes me a better man.
Journaling: Thursday morning: D6 started kindergarten this morning. She woke up early, I woke up with her and helped get her lunch ready. W came up after lunch was made and said thank you. We were watching Talia pick out her clothes and my wife looks at me and says: "I know you can't give me a hug, but I am going to give you one and wraps her arms around me." She then follows D6 out of the room.
I sat there thinking that sounded very demeaning. After about a minute, I walked into the bathroom. M: "It's not that I can't" W: "I understand." M: "It's that I won't." W: "OK. I understand." M: "What you are doing is very destructive to our family." W: "Do we need to talk about this now. You are bursting my bubble. Lets just focus on the girls right now." - She was now agitated
I walk out and go downstairs for a while. When she came down, I acted as nothing happened. We both escort D6 to kindergarten (they asked parents to join children on first day). W didn't talk much during the event. We walked back and conversed a little, nothing big.
In general, I am feeling pretty good. I know this confidence stuff is coming slowly, but I think I am moving in the right direction. Thank you all for the criticism. I need it. It makes me a better man.
Love that, you are "bursting her bubble", it's a good thing it's just her, things would really be a mess if your "bubble" was bursting ;-)
You communicated honestly without being hurtful or derogatory, what she is doing is hurtful & destructive to you & your family and you don't have to reward her with your attention and with acts of affection like hugs because that would be rewarding her for her bad behavior. Bust her on her bad behavior - what you're doing is wrong and it's destructive to our family.
Robx. I can't believe you are thanking me for sharing. I can't begin to give you my appreciation for all your help.
Now onto "the bursting my bubble" comment. She says that I always burst her bubble when she is dreaming of how things could be. For example, when we would look at homes to buy, she would imagine how she would like to furnish it. If I would say something like "How would we pay for all that?"; she would reply with "Why are you always bursting my bubble!"
I am not exactly sure how she meant it in this context. I initially took it that she was simply upset. But maybe she was subconciously saying that I was bursting her "Dream World" with a little reality. Who knows, she has been a little odd lately. Saying that she is thinking of me one hour and then nearly pretending I don't exist a couple hours later.
After the incident, I felt good. Maybe a little perturbed, but not much. I was a little dissappointed of myself for not pushing her away and saying it when she actually hugged me, but I guess I am not that fast on my feet. I am coming to peace with the fact that this is all out of my control and she just needs to figure herself out.
Now onto "the bursting my bubble" comment. She says that I always burst her bubble when she is dreaming of how things could be. For example, when we would look at homes to buy, she would imagine how she would like to furnish it. If I would say something like "How would we pay for all that?"; she would reply with "Why are you always bursting my bubble!"
I am not exactly sure how she meant it in this context. I initially took it that she was simply upset. But maybe she was subconciously saying that I was bursting her "Dream World" with a little reality.
I think you did great, too. There's a phrase for it, you know: esprit d'escalier. Means, "staircase wit". All the wonderful perfect things you should have said that don't occur to you until the other person has left the building. Happens to us all.
Two different things going on here. My h. can be (engineer-like) a bit of a bubble burster, too. Confronted with a new idea, his natural instinct, honed from years of hard work, is to find the fail points. This is VERY IRRITATING to a person who is just dream-spinning or fantasizing idly, as in, "Wouldn't it be fun if????" If you do this a lot, you might wanna consider thinking before you speak. Best-case-scenario dreaming can be really enjoyable with your partner. Who doesn't like to dream with their loved one, even if they know the reality is unlikely?
In your case, I can understand if you have had to deal much with manic-phase grandiose dreaming where she actually tried to *execute*, as in by ludicrous spending, etc. But still.
That was your first "bubble burst" example. The *second*, what just happened, is entirely different. In this case, it sounds like she's "dreaming" of a family where nothing really changes except she has her own place and gets to do whatever she wants while you are still there with full husbandly support, friendliness, affection, etc ... One Big Happy Family. Well, that is a very unhealthy dream, 'cause it ain't gonna happen. Whatever life, whatever choices she's building on that are all truly false, because she assumes cooperation from you that will *not* be forthcoming. So the sooner you burst that kind of bubble, the better for everyone. Keep on doing what you're doing.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
In this case, it sounds like she's "dreaming" of a family where nothing really changes except she has her own place and gets to do whatever she wants while you are still there with full husbandly support, friendliness, affection, etc ... One Big Happy Family. Well, that is a very unhealthy dream, 'cause it ain't gonna happen. Whatever life, whatever choices she's building on that are all truly false, because she assumes cooperation from you that will *not* be forthcoming. So the sooner you burst that kind of bubble, the better for everyone. Keep on doing what you're doing.
My h. can be (engineer-like) a bit of a bubble burster, too. Confronted with a new idea, his natural instinct, honed from years of hard work, is to find the fail points. This is VERY IRRITATING to a person who is just dream-spinning or fantasizing idly, as in, "Wouldn't it be fun if????" If you do this a lot, you might wanna consider thinking before you speak. Best-case-scenario dreaming can be really enjoyable with your partner. Who doesn't like to dream with their loved one, even if they know the reality is unlikely?
OK. I am an engineer and did the bubble-bursting way too much before. But I think I have piped it down quite a bit in the last year or so.
Good for you! Speaking for engineers' wives everywhere, thank you!
Of course, it's a give-and-take. It's helped me to understand where it's coming from: work-related habituation as opposed to deliberate desire to be a buzz-kill. Now, when he does it, I feel free to call him on it: "Quit bein' an engineer!!!!" A mutual sense of humor never hurts.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
A mutual sense of humor never hurts.