Shouldn't that function work even if the service is discontinued? Or not?
Tristan .... she told you (because I went back and checked) that she wants to move out to explore a relationship with OM. And yet she wants to have you over to "hang out". And when you demur, she gets upset and wants you to justify your position? And you actually defer to your ICs input on the reasonableness of your objections??????
I can't think of better proof that she does NOT get it. That she envisions being able to eat lots of yummy cake. You do *both of you* a favor by standing your ground and disabusing her of that illusion in no uncertain terms.
Stating "I'm not sure when I'll be able to come over" in a way that makes it sounds like you're being petty and "punishing her" for now but might change your mind when you get over your sulk is not standing your ground. As a woman, I would have very little respect for a man who would EVER "hang out with" a wife who moved out to pursue other men. That is NOT a position to justify. It is a position to STATE while looking at her like she has two heads for expecting otherwise. IMHO.
It is NEVER mean, hostile, or unloving to deliver a much-needed reality check in a calm and serious manner.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Shouldn't that function work even if the service is discontinued? Or not?
Tristan .... she told you (because I went back and checked) that she wants to move out to explore a relationship with OM. And yet she wants to have you over to "hang out". And when you demur, she gets upset and wants you to justify your position? And you actually defer to your ICs input on the reasonableness of your objections??????
I can't think of better proof that she does NOT get it. That she envisions being able to eat lots of yummy cake. You do *both of you* a favor by standing your ground and disabusing her of that illusion in no uncertain terms.
Stating "I'm not sure when I'll be able to come over" in a way that makes it sounds like you're being petty and "punishing her" for now but might change your mind when you get over your sulk is not standing your ground. As a woman, I would have very little respect for a man who would EVER "hang out with" a wife who moved out to pursue other men. That is NOT a position to justify. It is a position to STATE while looking at her like she has two heads for expecting otherwise. IMHO.
It is NEVER mean, hostile, or unloving to deliver a much-needed reality check in a calm and serious manner.
I think that I would explode from spending 10 minutes in one of their heads.
I haven't seen many sitches where people have reconsiled where they haven't gotten the time apart. Maybe this is a good thing.
Considering the crazy number of divorces that currently take place and another startling stat that as many as 70-75% of divorces are instigated by women, I think it's safe to say space isn't necessarily a good thing. Separation is a prelude to divorce plain & simple, don't kid yourself.
Separatedness (if that's a word) is good in a relationship, where you're not hanging off each other 24/7. Being individuals and spending some time apart and still spending time together is a good thing.
But separation, living apart is not a good thing. Seriously EB, I'd love to hear the rational thinking behind that statement that says physically separating and living separate lives is a good thing for a marriage: quite the opposite, people get used to living separately and without the other person and it can be very hard to reverse that once a person gets used to this.
I'll say it again, separation is a prelude to divorce: separate living equals separate thinking.
Of all the situations you mentioned where people reconciled where they were living apart, how many of those are on this particular forum? The numbers don't substantiate that type of logic.
I'd love to hear the rational thinking behind that statement that says physically separating and living separate lives is a good thing for a marriage: quite the opposite, people get used to living separately and without the other person and it can be very hard to reverse that once a person gets used to this.
I'll say it again, separation is a prelude to divorce: separate living equals separate thinking.
Why then are you so quick to suggest kicking out spouses having affairs as a way to save the marriage? I know you will have a good answer for this, but would like to read the rational.
Let's back up a little bit. Why was it necessary for you to wake her up at 6AM?
She asked to either have the alarm clock or to be woken up early. I am already up at that time so it is easier for me to knock on the door.
I am trying to remain friendly. I am not sure if I see a point in cutting off all communication. I have definitely put up boundaries; no more touching, hugging, etc. Is there a good reason to be hostile?
You don't have to remain anything. I told you that if you create a small amount of space between you, she will fill that space, I guarantee it. But when you're friendly and doing things for her, you still communicate that while she is hurting you & disrespecting you (ie. OM) that you will still be there to take care of her and she has to know and you have to know that this isn't reality - how could it be.
When she lives on her own, are you going to call her at 6am to wake her up.
It's got nothing to do with being nice, you are nice, you don't have to do things to prove it and you continually show to her that you do have to prove it, deep down you don't believe that you are nice guy so you have to do things to prove it. How about being confident that you are a great guy and that means not having to prove it.
No more wake up calls, she's an adult, if you can get up at a certain time, I'm sure she can also and how she does this is no longer your responsibility. She has made alot of choices, decisions, taken alot of actions that didn't require your assistance & input, time to let her do everything for herself and realize what life without Tristan really is like.
No one is saying be hostile or argue, in fact don't argue at all - you don't need to, you respect yourself to much to argue with her.
Just let her take care of her.
Plus these ideas of dating you while she is living on her own while what... dating the OM? Great, you need to compete with the OM for her, she is trying to pull you into that type of mindset & thinking - do you see it, didn't you tell her the other day that you don't have to compete with the OM? Her mentioning dating is trying to pull you in, continue to push her away, not in a violent, both hands in front of you type way but in a "you can chase me for a bit now because I'm done chasing you".
When she mentions dating again and she may very well do that, you tell her that you will be dating, you just don't think it will be with her ;-)
You're allowed to ruffle the feathers a bit, lord knows she's been doing a good job with you and look how it's affected your moods, emotions, thinking, etc.
Are you starting to see any of this? Hopefully you are.
I was just recalling the stories that I read about in the "Another Divorce Busted" section as well as stories that I am aware of in my own family. I have a cousin, my sister, and Aunt & Uncle that all got back together after a separation. My Mom left my Dad after dragging it on for what seemed like forever. They didn't get back together, but three months after she left she decided she wanted him back. He had had enough.
Sometimes I think the phrase you don't know what you've got til it's gone is applicable.
I know I never appreciated my W as much as I have since she told me she wanted to go.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Another brazen hijack here..robx, I went to town answering your questions the other day and would love your input. It is a few pages back on my thread cuz it's been a few days.
I'd love to hear the rational thinking behind that statement that says physically separating and living separate lives is a good thing for a marriage: quite the opposite, people get used to living separately and without the other person and it can be very hard to reverse that once a person gets used to this.
I'll say it again, separation is a prelude to divorce: separate living equals separate thinking.
Why then are you so quick to suggest kicking out spouses having affairs as a way to save the marriage? I know you will have a good answer for this, but would like to read the rational.
The separation wasn't your idea was it Tristan? Whose idea was it? Who's running the show? Who's pulling whose strings?
Currently she is.
Turning this around and telling her to move out because she can't make a decision about you or the OM just shows that you respect yourself too much to be anyone's second choice. And in reality, everyone: you, me and the milkman all have to be willing, ready & able to let go of the people that openly hurt us, disrespect us, don't value the relationship they're in with us or care about our feelings.
It shows that you are taking control of the situation where for the longest amount of time you haven't had any control whatsoever. This will generate respect, the amount still remains to be seen but the observation will be that Tristan isn't anyone's fool or second option and that he controls his life, no one makes decisions about your life except for you - you demonstrate this with your actions, with your confidence, with your body language, with your ability to let go of people who would hurt you in a horrible way.
When you turn this around and make it look like it's now your idea to separate, not theirs, it throws their thought process out of whack: "wait a minute, I thought this was my decision?! He wants it more than I do? I don't have him anymore? Something is messed up here, I didn't picture it happening this way...." Once you start to throw in doubts here & there, it starts them questioning their own ideas about everything.
There is so much to be said on this topic and I could go on & on.
Attraction may not be a choice but Love is a choice. Love can't exist without respect. Currently she doesn't respect you because you communicate indirectly that you don't respect yourself. She also controls this situation and to a large degree, she controls you: how you feel, how you react to what she says, what's happening to your family, etc. Women don't respect men that they control easily. Taking back control of your life shows that you respect yourself and that you won't allow other people to dictate the events of your life.
When she mentions dating again and she may very well do that, you tell her that you will be dating, you just don't think it will be with her ;-)
I like that. But I doubt she will ask again after I said I didn't want to compete. She said this a couple of weeks ago.
Originally Posted By: robx
How are you feeling today?
OK. I find myself joking around a bit here and there. I haven't been able to do that for months. Its still hard, but getting a little easier. However, I am guessing that my mood will take another nosedive next week when she actually moves out.
When she mentions dating again and she may very well do that, you tell her that you will be dating, you just don't think it will be with her ;-)
I like that. But I doubt she will ask again after I said I didn't want to compete. She said this a couple of weeks ago.
Originally Posted By: robx
How are you feeling today?
OK. I find myself joking around a bit here and there. I haven't been able to do that for months. Its still hard, but getting a little easier. However, I am guessing that my mood will take another nosedive next week when she actually moves out.
You told her you didn't want to compete the other day and then recently she told you she wants to maybe date you when she moves in to her new place - you telling her you don't want to compete doesn't register yet fully with her, trust me she asked and she will mention it again - watch for it, it will happen.
As for your mood, PMA - positive mental attitude. Whatever happens, Tristan will survive, Tristan will thrive, Tristan will be great.
