This book may be a little more realistic, but there are so many others that just seem to promote the "joys or divorce" and how empowered women need to do this and live their dreams.
Blech!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Let's back up a little bit. Why was it necessary for you to wake her up at 6AM?
She asked to either have the alarm clock or to be woken up early. I am already up at that time so it is easier for me to knock on the door.
I am trying to remain friendly. I am not sure if I see a point in cutting off all communication. I have definitely put up boundaries; no more touching, hugging, etc. Is there a good reason to be hostile?
No one said to be hostile. Friendly is fine. Wrapped around her little finger...not so fine. Agree with turning down the hug, but I agree with the stronger wording suggested.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Dunno. This really is "just my opinion", not advice per se. But that kind of thing .... still seems a bit lapdoggy, rescuing to me. Do you *really* only have one alarm clock in the whole house? No travel alarm, not an alarm on anyone's phone or laptop? If her alarm clock got dropped in the toilet, how would she get herself out of bed, if there was no "you"?
It's not that this is a big thing, in isolation. It's one of many courtesies she is going to lose by not having you live as her husband. All this stuff about detaching, not being too conveniently there, etc .... it's not meant to be hostile. It's meant to be realistic. By her actions, she may well be cutting herself off from your supportive helpfulness forever. I don't think she really understands that.
I think she has this vision of you there, waiting, to pick her up if she falls. That sounds nice on the surface, but isn't really healthy for her. Plus, it demonstrates exactly zero respect for you. If there wasn't another man involved, if she was just taking some time to "find herself" ... that *might* be different. But those are not the facts of your current reality.
She needs to FEEL what she may well be losing. You can say, "Well, as soon as she moves out, she'll feel it." Possibly true. But if her final days and hours with you are filled with even this kind of low-level caretaking ... it's only human to take for granted that she'll be able to pick right back up where she's left off. She sat up and took notice when you stopped the touching, didn't she? So give her some more losses to take notice of.
It's not really rational to expect a person to make the difficult decision when she gets almost as many benefits plus a bunch more outside the marriage when she makes the selfish decision......IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Yes. I have taken the view that she will see this when she does move out. And I don't find it productive to make her last week in the house one of petty arguments. I have already told her that I am not sure when I will be able to go to her new place, saying I needed to show my disapproval in some way. She argued the point a little, but let it go after I said would talk it over with IC on next visit to see if it was a reasonable stance. I don't see why it wouldn't be considered reasonable. Part of my reasoning on this is exactly that, I want her to see all the small things I do around the house.
She says that she will still have me over to hang out. Her thinking is really confusing. She says that she would like to go out on dates after she moves out. I take this as "Believe nothing that you hear", but that is what she says.
