I am feeling OK. It's hard, but I am handling myself. I just cancelled the phone service. The service runs through pay period anyway, so MIL will be able to use phone till she leaves.
I am really hoping that she starts to pull (as you say). We don't talk much anymore; we don't touch at all (this is of my doing). It feels like we are running in opposite directions as fast as we can. It is definitely counter-intuitive. I don't feel like I am working on saving this marriage at all.
W: "You don't want to send me mixed messages?" M: "No. I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with OM." W: "You're right. You shouldn't." M: "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that." W: "You are." M: "It doesn't mean that I am not willing to work on the marriage. It's just all part of working on myself." W: "That's fine."
She then turns to start getting ready. It didn't seem to have much impact on her, but it did feel good to say it.
Also, I forgot to mention that in part of the discussion yesterday W mentioned that she "doesn't feel grounded" and that she feels "like I am floating". I am not sure how to interpret that; I guess it is similiar to discussions where she has said that she is a "lost soul".
Instead of saying "I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with the OM", you should be saying: "I won't compete with the OM anymore, it's not worth it"
Instead of saying "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that", you should be saying: "It's not worth it to me anymore when I know I'm the better man"
Do you see how the twist of a few words adds more meaning to what you're saying?
When you said "I shouldn't feel like I need to compete", you communicated that you feel the need to compete with the OM for your wife. She hears this and knows this and probably knew it already. That's why you pushing her away is important, it communicates that you're done playing that game because you know you don't have to anymore - it's very important to have that frame of mind, you will view things properly without feeling insecure & needy anymore.
When you said "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that", you are communicating how this is affecting you, you don't need to tell her that you feel that this is demeaning you, you need to communicate now that you could care less, the sooner she leaves the better, because you're ready to move on with your life.
Push/Pull, it's very subtle but I can feel it in your posts when you describe the dialog & interaction between the two of you, it's there, you're slowing turning it around, you're slowing creating space between the two of you and it's space that you are choosing to create and she is trying to fill it.
You mentioned when will she start pulling you in, she is already, when she comes into the bathroom after you finish showering to view you, she's trying to pull you to her, when she asks for a hug, she is trying to pull you toward her because I think she is feeling that you are pushing her away.
Human beings want what they can't have, when you start communicating to her (indirectly & directly) that she can't have you anymore and if she thinks she can find herself and then decide to come back to your loving arms, she is mistaken. When she has the choice between you and the OM, it's a safe place to be for her. If it doesn't work out she knows she can come back to you until the next OM comes into the picture after this guy and she'll pull this stuff again. When you communicate that you won't be there, the situation is no longer safe, it's dangerous, there are consequences for those actions, no more backup plan, no more second option, you communicate that you respect yourself enough to let go of her because she doesn't value you or care about your feelings. You detach, show less emotion to her, stop talking to her as much, let her initiation conversations otherwise you'll say nothing(and at the same time, maintain a strong PMA and remain upbeat). Trust me it all has an effect on her, you will notice it more & more.
It's time to be assertive, you are better, you deserve better, what is happening now is wrong and you know it. Time to turn things around and make it work for you.
Do you have a date for this friday? Even if it's a fake one where you are not going to be home friday evening, where you will be getting ready at home and if you are lucky, she will be there as well and get a glimpse of you showering and spending extra time in the bathroom looking good, fixing the hair, putting on the special cologne, dressing up with the attractive clothing, etc. And when you are asked where you are going, you only say "I'm going out with a friend" and smile but don't maintain eye contact, look away when you say it... as if to feel a little guilty for possibly going out on a date with another woman.
Fear of loss, jealousy, all these things do wonders to wake up a WAS who is having an affair because the mental picture they set up when they started all of this never included you doing the same thing back to them.
This weekend I am taking the girls to my parents place. W is planning on moving her stuff out. Kind of sucks, but I am not going to let the girls see W moving out.
The next weekend I am going out of town for Saturday. Not sure what I will do Friday night yet. I do not feel comfortable dating, but going out without W knowing where I am going is fine.
Tuesday Evening Stopped by video store to swap movies on the way home from work. D6 was all excited to tell me that she road a bicycle without training wheels today. I was impressed and was going to go out with her so she could show me. W came home before we were out the door, so we all decided to make a trip to the local elementary school where she would have plenty of room to ride. It was a nice trip. When we got home W asked if I wanted to join them in walking to the corner store to get icecream. I did, we shared a container of Häagen-Dazs Banana Split.
W seemed more talkative this evening. We didn't talk about anything in particular, mainly just about work. She did ask the "How are you doing?" question. I simply said "Fine." Which sometimes I really think I am. I did cut the conversation, saying "Have a good night." and walking upstairs.
Checked the phone messages, one was from lawyer W contacted when she decided to seperate: "We have been trying to contact you for a couple of weeks now, please call." I saved it, but did not mention it to W yet. Suggestions?
Wednesday Morning: I didn't sleep that well last night. Was having dreams with W in them, but that is about all I remember. W asked me to wake her up early this morning, so I knocked on her door a 6 AM. There wasn't much of a conversation this morning.
I found that she marked a page in the 'Standing at the Crossroads' book that she discussed on Monday. Right in the middle of the page was a paragragh on how women can grow from divorce. One senetence stated that women can find their authentic selves by breaking away from their marriage. She talked about how she is in the stage of finding her authentic self in our conversation on Monday. Another sentence stated that it made it possible to begin a new intimate relationship. Uugh. This discovery has put a damper on my day. I need to work more on the detachment.
Don't get me started on the loss of family values. My 75 year old FIL said to me the other day about his own daughter, "I don't understand her, why won't she put more effort into this. It is way too easy for people to just divorce nowadays, I think that it has become too much of an easy, lazy way out." Smart man.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I found that she marked a page in the 'Standing at the Crossroads' book that she discussed on Monday. Right in the middle of the page was a paragragh on how women can grow from divorce. One senetence stated that women can find their authentic selves by breaking away from their marriage. She talked about how she is in the stage of finding her authentic self in our conversation on Monday.
Where in the book does it cite the statistics showing the large number of divorced people who carry regret with them for the rest of their lives? Both of my divorced parents, on several separate occasions, have begged and pleaded with me to do everything possible to save my marriage and family. They have both happily remarried but obviously carry a regret with them that will never go away.
We can do better!!!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
OK. I am actually going to go back and defend the book and its authors a little. There was only 1 paragragh on "Growth from Divorce" in a book that is about 300 pages long. The first couple sentences did state that many women analyse and learn how they contributed to the failure of the marriage.
My W received this book while attending a leadership program. She came back saying that she learned that she was focusing too much on her job and neglecting other parts of her life. At that point she really wanted to focus more on the family. She said the leadership program made her realize that. Now obviously she has backtracked a little, but I wouldn't blame it on this book. From what I have read, it is relatively balanced.
