(Smile) It's our men going crazy with bouts of sanity....but the fog is always there and distorts their vision. The fog is what allows them to accuse of us of being crazy and irrational.
My H would do crazy crap....for example getting involved with the OW and then somehow, I was the one who made that happen....? Really?
Yeah, what is the deal with the craziness, the fog, the distortions. My H attributes all kinds of crazy stuff to me that just isn't true.Like the way whenver H comes over, he yells and criticizes about somthing - inevitably. The other day it was the computer chord knocking a picture off his desk - another time it was a spot on the carpet, another time it was that I didn't close our garden gate carefully enough. H attributes this to my "carelessness, lack of awareness," or that I just don't care, or that this indicates somehow that I'm an irresponsible parent. It's so far off base - all this blame.
Also, for the three sessions of MC he attended, he said all he wanted to talk about was MY VOLITILITY. But he is the one acting irrationally out of anger - EVERY TIME WE ARE TOGETHER - WITHOUT FAIL. And H said My issues with sex were the problem - BUT HE HASN'T TOUCHED ME FOR YEARS - NOT EVEN A KISS HELLO OR GOOD BYE. I mean really, how can he be so blind? How can H really walk into therapy and say MY two problems are the only problems? This makes me so insane - sometimes I wonder why I am the only one trying to get this M back on track. Why don't I just leave? The pain is unbearable sometimes.
Bridgestone~ Thank you! You are exactly right . I get caught up in feeling angry at him for accusing me of crazy stuff - but you are reminding me of my new attitude in the M - that of love and compassion. You are right, there are two parts - setting boundaries with how I want to be treated, and trying to understand the feelings underneath his actions. I'm so glad you reminded me.
I was in PC (personal counselling) yesterday. My C said that when he is yelling and blaming and criticizing, to see him as feeling powerless - which is similar to what you say as fear, as not feeling lovable with imperfections - and to realize people yell when they fear nobody will listen. H has a very rejecting and narcissistic mother and it is no surprise to me that he fears that I would not take him seriously. He does have low self-esteem, he does have to feel "perfect" to feel ok. He is the oldest Jewish son and he "did everything right - ivy league school, good job, first to marry and have a child.
H told me last week ( I think this is underneath a lot of the nutty) that he is terrified of telling his mother about our marital problems. Somehow he can't show that his life isn't perfect I guess. H said that he's afraid she will blame him, gossip about him, make fun of him.
H has always said he thinks I"m "trying to screw him" or I'm "making fun of him" and I never understood why. I guess now I'm reading between the lines.
His reactions of blaming me are easy because I have admitted my faults, have no qualms about admitting my problems (maybe blaming self too much). But here's the rub - it's quite a challenge to hold love and compassion for a person who is yelling and criticizing and blaming. But the old me would have just focused on defending myself - only to escalate things. Now I'm trying to take a deep breath and help him feel heard - which means remembering he feels feel, powerlessness, insecurity. It's hard to hear through all the growling and snapping that inside is a scared dog who has been hurt in the past.
C says that once H begins to experience what it is like to feel heard, he may not feel the need to yell to be heard.
Love and compassion hopefully will free us from fear.
Feeling in Limboland = things are going better, but I am still not starting any R talks. Holding firm is tough. Want to say "things are going so well - where are we at" but no way. Still waiting to see if he actually files those Separation papers - they haven't shown up yet...even though he threatened a week ago.
Try reading any of J. Stosny's books How to improve your marriage without talking about it
or Love without hurt
the 2nd one would be good for your H if he can be reasoned with at all.
Try thinking of it as he's just yelling to be heard.. .kind of like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum. He just really, really, really wants your attention.. and he's been getting it by acting out like this for a while now. It will take some time to break this habit.
Set a boundary with him when he is calm & not yelling.
H, I REALLY want to hear what you are saying and to be on your side & understand you, however, When you are yelling and blaming, I feel disrepsected and a bit afraid so I'm going to just say,"___ ___ ___" and leave the room.
When you calm down and can share with me respectfully and quietly your thoughts & feelings, I'll listen.
It helped some with my H.. at least it gave me some control over the situation, let me take care of me by respeting myself & what I would tolerate when I was talked to..and when I would leave the room he knew why I was leaving. Sometimes I'd barely get back in & I'd be out again. It got better for a bit.
Good luck. Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Bridge Thank you. I have read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and "You Don't Have To Take It Any More". Both fabulous, I love Stosny. I will look for the other one you mentioned.
I have tried with varying degrees of success over the years to say exactly what you said. In the past, it would sometimes work, now it works less frequently. It actually angers him more, gets him to speak to me even meaner, and he resents me walking away from him. Even though numerous MC;s have suggested this exact technique, he is terribly resistent to it. I'll keep trying, though.
But you are dead on about the three year old tantrum. It's very hard for me to experience this strong, intimidating, adult male as a toddler having a temper tantrum, but in hindsight, this is exactly what it is. But it's also a scary kind of control and power thing that sends chills up my spine.
I'll keep trying not to let him put me in fear mode when he is screaming. I'll try to hear him as the child who needs to be heard instead of the scary growling wolf, I'll try to be cool in the heat of it.
You have had success with this statement? I applaud you!
Oh, I just realized why my H is MIA. He told me his L was going to write up a separation agreement this week. He's probably got issues around that coming up so he's distancing. Sigh. Can't pursue. Off to watch some tv and snuggle my teddy bear!
There's not much you can do about the separation papers. All I can tell you is if your H should be around when you get them, read them over, like it's the daily paper and do NOT freak out. That will freak him out.
Awesome, I'll just keep ironing and watching "Family Guy". I love that.
This morning he got son ready for school. He was not yelling, but I got a list of criticisms. At least he delivered them in a calmer tone!
Looks at gardeners whacking huge blackberry bushes "You could be doing that."
"What is this pink stain on the couch? IF you want to waste your time cleaning it, go ahead. I won't." (Kids make messes - it takes one minute to clean)
"It's a good idea to get S's pants cleaned. He is wearing these ones with a paint stain on them." (Kids make messes - he got the paint on them from having fun. The others are in the dryer.)
"You don't need to FOLD laundry - it wastes time" (I didn't ask for a manager, but thanks for the advice)
I swear he is convincing himself that all I do is waste time at home so that he can tell himself he doesn't need me. I'm so sick of being kicked around.
