Why do you have to leave the house? It seems as though she has a place to stay if she wants a S why can't she just stay where she is? [/quote] - looks like I didn't get the quote thing right - but I am sure you get the idea.
Good point. I do want her home next week for first week of school, but that doesn't mean I have to go anywhere. I can accommodate her need for space and still be in my house with my kids. Even if I sleep somewhere other than my own bed. If the kids are important enough to her, she will find a way to accept that she will have to share them and the house with me.
Nothing wrong with politely stating that I don't want to go anywhere - because I don't.
Really rode the roller coaster of emotions today. Just felt light crying my eyes out at times.
Texted wife about kids shopping for back to school and got no repsonse. I guess this time I really must leave next contact up to her.
Couldn't sleep last night and I know how important that is to staying strong, so tonight I will take one of the sleeping pills my wife has - I guess she doesn't need them when away from me. Yikes!
As each day passes with little or no contact (and cold when there is contact) I am starting to lose hope. I am working on being prepared to accept the end.
Slept well last night thanks to one tiny pill. That seems to have helped me have a better day today.
We texted a few times and even chatted briefly on phone. At one point I made a somewhat racy comment via text. I was admonished, with an "exucse me', but nothing terrible. When she texted "that's not a place we should be right now" I said "sorry - I get that".
I have myself so pumped up over our possible future that I just might not be prepared for the conversation we are to have Sunday. At least, it will keep me in a good mood until then.
What is the right approach when it's time for the R talk?
It still appears that we will be having an R talk on Sunday when my wife is back from 10 days apart (other than a short time at home last Sunday - read this thread).
Since this R talk is going to happen, I really need some ideas on the proper way to phrase things. I truly am prepared to make some serious changes (yes - for me regardless of outcome), but this will be a critical conversation, if my wife has left the door open even just a little.
Brief phone conversation with wife after she did not respond to email I sent. No, not persuing - sometimes she has troubles getting emails via her blackberry.
She is still planning on coming home tomorrow night after spending day shopping with d18. I told her I would likely be sleeping before they get home and will sleep in another room, since she would likely enjoy sleeping in her own bed after sleeping elsewhere for 9 nights. She did say that she is sick of living out of her car.
Anyway...in the days since she walked out August 26, I have begun to come to terms with our marriage ending. Physically being apart makes detaching easier and more natural.
When we have the scheduled R talk on Sunday I plan on proposing the following: we live as a separated couple for the next 8-9 months for financial reasons and also to make the transition easier on the kids. Our house is large enough and our schedules differ enough for us to co-habitate with very little contact. I will even give up our incredibly comfortable bed.
That will allow me that period of time to detach further and work on me. We can then sell the house, and start our new lives fairly smoothly. I hope she agrees to this idea. It is quite reasonable, workable and economically smart.
If something changes drastically in that period, then so be it. But, if not, I am actually ready to move on with MY life.
I guess it was more serious than first thought. On your initial post I was prepared to write that this would all blow over.
It's funny, but once you are back together you forget why you fought so hard in the first place. Face it, marriage isn't all that wonderful. It's got its redeaming factors, but it also has bad things. I can see why you'd slip with DB efforts.
I think the proper way to go is not to suggest a solution at the moment. Your big opportunity is to hear her out, first and foremost, and actually consider what she has to say. If it's doom and gloom, so be it...be accepting that she feels that way. If it's a laundry list of your faults, own the ones that are true, and just acknowledge that you understand she feels that way about the rest. I don't think this is your opportunity to suggest a plan that clearly indicates that you want to keep her close to eventually change her mind.
But don't go all doom and gloom yet. She may fully intend to work on marriage with just a list of gripes. She hasn't said she wants out has she? Or has she?
Be strong Indy. You know you can survive this. Show her that you can. But also acknowledge that you know things have slipped and would like the chance to rectify the problems. But let her go first. You start by being the listener.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I knew it was serious from the start. Experience here remember?
I do plan on letting her talk first and really listening, but I am fairly certain it will end with her saying she wants out. I just want to have her agree to wait until it makes a lot more economic sense. Too much to explain, but 8 months or so, will net us $30,000 or more. I can furnish a nice apartment with my half! For that kind of money, I can sleep on a futon and live in one part of the house - I will have a half bathroon, big screen tv, XBox, etc.
I am not trying to keep her close to change her mind, so I hope it won't "clearly indicate" that. I am being 100% genuine when I say waiting is for logistical reasons - and to ease all of us into a new normal.
I am feeling much stronger than a week ago. I am prepared emotionally, factually and physically for the R talk. I almost can't wait to get it over and done with and then move on from there - regardless of the outcome of that conversation.
Looks like wife is still coming home tonight after spending day shopping with d18. If I go to sleep before they get home, I still plan on not sleeping in our bed.
Then, finally, tomorrow we have the talk. My stomach is queasy today, but glad the wait is almost over. Tomorrow will literally be the first day of the rest of my life.
Wife did come last night, but went to hospital right away to see grandmother who was rushed there. She has terminal cancer and it looks like these are the last days. Her grandmother is my favourite member of my wife's family, but she does not want to see me since she is aware of situation between my wife and I. It upsets me, but no time to be selfish. I will have to deal with the fact that someone I care about, wouldn't see me on their death bed. That will be tough.
Question is - how do I support my wife and "be there" for her without breaking dbing principles. I have often failed to be there at tough times in the past, and don't want to do that again.
The R talk was supposed to be today. I really think this would be a bad time. I will make sure I mention nothing until wife does and will just "play house" and act as if until then.
