Today I started getting prepared for seperation. Opened a new checking account for myself. Cancelled cleaning service because I won't be able to afford it anymore. These are really hard things for me to do, but I need to do them to move forward. I am holding off on stopping W cell phone service. MIL still uses her phone and I do not want to turn it off on her.
Its been hard today. But in a different way. It isn't: "oh my god how am I ever going to live without her" anymore. It is more: "How can she do this to the girls. And life as a single parent is going to suck. And am I going to have to stay in this town till D3 turns 18?" That is where I am today.
Today I started getting prepared for seperation. Opened a new checking account for myself. Cancelled cleaning service because I won't be able to afford it anymore. These are really hard things for me to do, but I need to do them to move forward. I am holding off on stopping W cell phone service. MIL still uses her phone and I do not want to turn it off on her.
Its been hard today. But in a different way. It isn't: "oh my god how am I ever going to live without her" anymore. It is more: "How can she do this to the girls. And life as a single parent is going to suck. And am I going to have to stay in this town till D3 turns 18?" That is where I am today.
Regardless of the outcome, you'll be able to handle all of this.
And when your wife mentions that what she's doing is going to benefit both of you and possibly make your relationship stronger if you ever reconcile, I would tell her not to count on you waiting for her should her affair not work out, you have more respect for yourself than to be someone's 2nd option/backup plan.
- Opened a new checking account for myself. - Cancelled cleaning service because I won't be able to afford it anymore.
These are really hard things for me to do, but I need to do them to move forward.
- I am holding off on stopping W cell phone service. MIL still uses her phone and I do not want to turn it off on her.
Ask your wife to pick up a new cell phone today, seriously it will take maybe an hour if that. Cell phone service providers are everywhere, if she has time to have lunch with the OM, go shopping for things for her new place, she has time to take care of business in other areas which means you won't have to be providing those things for her. Seriously Tristan, she's been using a phone that you pay for to call & conversate with the OM. When you take the cell phone back from her and/or cancel the service, you aren't taking anything away from your mother in law, you can shift that responsibility on to your wife and stop feeling guilty because of it, have some self-respect for yourself, do this today!
Following Coach's advice, I asked "Did you learn anything new today?" of my W.
W: "I learned I miss my old job. That I don't really enjoy my new job as much as I should. I was reading 'Standing at the Crossroads' and found that I am right on track. M: "Of successful women?" W: "No. Of the stages. It says that 29 to 33 is when women focus on their careers to the detriment of other parts of their life. Family, relationships, etc. ... This is the stage when most seperations and divorces occur." W: "... the next stage is more hopeful." M: "If it isn't too late." W: "It is when women begin to work on wholeness. Start to work on important relationships and connections. ..."
OM is the one that helped her get current job. She took it as him helping her to move her along in her career. I look at it as a way to get her out from under his management so he could pursue her without the threat of sexual harassment looming.
Oh my lord, that OM is just vile! It ticks me off to read about it. I think the same way as you, as posted earlier "How can you do this to the children?"
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I squirm whenever I read these interactions..they sound so kissa$$. It sounds like you are just waiting for a reason to save her. I don't sense a strength in you...primarily because I never saw anything about boundaries and you make excuses why you can't turn off your wife's phone. It's okay to say, "I'm afraid she'll be mad at me." We'll say don't worry about whether she's mad, you just tell her that it's nothing personal, you are just getting YOUR life in order.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Tuesday morning: Went for a short walk this morning. My knee is still swollen from Saturday's soccer match, so running would be a little too painful. The air has been crisp these last few days; it is feeling like fall. The walk was relaxing. Everyone was still asleep when I got back, so went up to get ready.
W walked in the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower, she stands there briefly. W: "May I have a hug." M: <Deep Breath> W: "That's OK, I understand." M: "No. You should hear this. It's something I have been discussing with IC." W: "You don't want to send me mixed messages?" M: "No. I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with OM." W: "You're right. You shouldn't." M: "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that." W: "You are." M: "It doesn't mean that I am not willing to work on the marriage. It's just all part of working on myself." W: "That's fine."
She then turns to start getting ready. It didn't seem to have much impact on her, but it did feel good to say it.
Also, I forgot to mention that in part of the discussion yesterday W mentioned that she "doesn't feel grounded" and that she feels "like I am floating". I am not sure how to interpret that; I guess it is similiar to discussions where she has said that she is a "lost soul".
Oh my lord, that OM is just vile! It ticks me off to read about it. I think the same way as you, as posted earlier "How can you do this to the children?"
Thank you for reading June. I really enjoyed your poem; you have talent. I have not gotten a chance to read your sitch, but hopefully I will get a chance sometime soon.
Tuesday morning: Went for a short walk this morning. My knee is still swollen from Saturday's soccer match, so running would be a little too painful. The air has been crisp these last few days; it is feeling like fall. The walk was relaxing. Everyone was still asleep when I got back, so went up to get ready.
W walked in the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower, she stands there briefly. W: "May I have a hug." M: <Deep Breath> W: "That's OK, I understand." M: "No. You should hear this. It's something I have been discussing with IC." W: "You don't want to send me mixed messages?" M: "No. I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with OM." W: "You're right. You shouldn't." M: "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that." W: "You are." M: "It doesn't mean that I am not willing to work on the marriage. It's just all part of working on myself." W: "That's fine."
She then turns to start getting ready. It didn't seem to have much impact on her, but it did feel good to say it.
Also, I forgot to mention that in part of the discussion yesterday W mentioned that she "doesn't feel grounded" and that she feels "like I am floating". I am not sure how to interpret that; I guess it is similiar to discussions where she has said that she is a "lost soul".
You can't read her mind so you don't know how much of an impact it had on her.
If you had asked her for a hug and she replied in the same way you did, how would you feel? You may act strong on the outside but inside you might feel hurt, rejected, etc. It's not out of this world to consider the possibility that she might feel the same. No one said she did feel the same, it may not have affected her at all but it might have.
No one likes to be rejected (usually). You also showed control and decisiveness, you decided not to hug her, you showed her you're detaching, there's a bit of power in those actions.
So your wife comes into the bathroom just when you finish taking a shower, she catches a glimpse of you without clothes on, she wants to touch you, hug you, etc. Maybe I'm reading too much but I think some attraction still exists and you pushing her away (even just a bit as in this example) was excellent because there is a lot of push/pull going on here. For the longest time during this, you were pulling her towards you and she was pushing you away and now you're slowly turning this around, you're pushing her away and trust me you will start to see her pull you towards her more. There is no mistaking this, this happened here and it will happen again.
Take it a step further, the next time you're showering and you step out of the shower and she "happens" to come into the bathroom, tell her "I would like some privacy, can you please leave the bathroom while I get ready" and put a towel around your waste and follow her to the door and lock it behind her.
What will follow afterwards be it within the same few minutes, hours or same day, she will ask you why you mind so much if she looks at you when you come out of the shower. It will happen, I can't guarantee the specific time line but it will happen. More of you pushing her away and more of her trying to pull you back in.
