A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Hi, blue,

The original agreement about me staying was "just for a month" until I'm not competing with scads of students for the available rentals. But yes, he's said plenty of things that sure sound like I'm staying for quite a bit longer. It leaves me in limbo, but it's a pretty comfortable limbo and I'm not at a point where I want to pin him down about exactly how long I can be here. I expect that answer changes from minute to minute.

I'll tell you this much, tho - it's gonna be dang hard for him to get me out of here!!

[Kettricken]

I think *positive* "possession" probably is. And you seem to be doing great keeping it positive. It's clear that you're working pretty hard at not asking for guarantees, verbal status reports, etc .....

.... if it ain't broke, don't fix it. (wink)

[Dia]

Ok, the whipsawing is getting to me. One minute it's wine, toasts and "we can do that in a few years", and the next minute there are comments that indicate this is all very temporary. I know this is normal (so to speak) and I know it indicates turmoil, conflict and that all of that is actually *good* - but it's getting to me.

My gut instinct is to move closer to LRT, and to do some GAL activities that take me out of the house. However, there is certainly a theme in some of the GAL stuff where one is supposed to imply or otherwise invoke the threat that I am dolling up to be attractive to/to find/to see 'someone else'.

How do I handle that in our sitch? As someone who has been unfaithful, I really don't want to put that image back in his head. And with him having a current OW, I suspect it would drive him toward her - "fine, Dia's out looking but I'm ok because I've got OW" - she will feel 'safe' compared to me?

I also know I need to be rock solid through the whipsawing and I'm doing it.

I narrowly avoided an R talk this morning when we were talking about decluttering the guest room. The guest room has a large dining table in it (disassembled) that is supposed to be mine. He mentioned how hard it was going to be to put that room to rights as long as the dining table pieces were there as they take up significant room. Then he mentioned my paintings and artwork which are also in there. He took the paintings down when I left because they reminded him too much of me. I suggested that rehanging some of the paintings would be one way to reduce the volume of stuff in the guest room, but he said no, then talked about the kind of artwork he'd like to have in the house.

Then he mentioned the dining table. We originally traded his aunt a used car of mine for that table, which is why the table is considered mine. I asked if he'd checked to see if his aunt wanted it back, and he asked if I'd be willing to give the table up. I said I'd have to think about it.

Here's the thing - if I'm staying in this house, then yes, I'd be happy to give the table up, esp. if his aunt wants it back. It's a gorgeous piece with an inlaid top, several leaves, ornate chairs, etc. But if I'm moving, I'd like to keep it. Ergo, if I was fully open about the dining table, there would have been an R talk. And I'm not sure there's a way to let his aunt have it 'temporarily' w/o messing up the necessary limbo balance?

Any suggestions on any of that?

[Dia]

Got Aunt's cell # from H and called her re: table. It's my table, so I need to 'handle it'.

Also, Aunt is a very long-time mentor/sponsor in the whole Friend of Bill W. arena. I may invoke that identity (very cautiously) and see if there are any productive conversations to be had.

[Dia]

Another land mine avoided.

About a month ago, H learned that the cost of his company health plan was going up about $100/month. I offered to cover the $100, but he declined. He wanted to get private ins. to save $$$. The quotes he got from the agent raised some red flags for me, so I bit the bullet and told him I was uncomfortable with it. After initially being hardline that individual was the way to go, he asked me to give my reasons, and I did.

He then said that he'd bring home all of the relevant documentation and we could go over it together.

End result - I will be paying him the difference between 'employee plus child' and 'family', or $200/month. Once you factor in his employer contribution and my employer contribution, I'm out of pocket about $30 bucks more than he is, but I'm not going to fight over $30.

For him, the net change in monthly expenses is about $100 to the good and while I don't want to 'buy' him, so to speak, I do want the financial realities of re-separation to be readily apparent.

The interaction was quick and drama-free, which is always good, and even a little funny. I handed him the sheaf of papers and said I wanted to stay on the company plan and would pay the $100 difference. He handed them back to me and said wouldn't it be more fair if I paid the diff. between the individual plan and the company plan? I handed them back to him and said, 'Ok, you tell ME how much you want from me to stay on the company plan."

He blinked in suprise, presumably from me putting him in the driver's seat, and named the $200 figure. I immediately agreed.

He actually looked a little confused and off balance, but then he brightened and said this was easier all around.

I know for his part, he feels like I should have been paying for my own health insurance since the beginning of the sep. For my part, I had him deducting the cost of having me on his plan from the child support, so I feel like I *was* paying for my own health ins.

Either way, tho, it's handled now and everyone is happy.

[Dia]

'nother interesting note - we both got tense over this conversation, not with each other, but anxious because health insurance is a big, expensive deal and a big change means lots of risk - I think we both expected a disagreement and possibly a fight. When it ended so easily, we both fell all over each other saying thank you and how good it was that we worked it out calmly and cooperatively.

[Dia]

Rollercoaster...

Good news: We will be having a family dinner on our anniversary.

Bad news: I am paying for it.

Good news: Got my 1st paycheck, offered to take family to dinner on H's choice of nights.

Bad news: H picked Friday, our anniversary, with no apparent recognition/realization that it is our anniversary.

Good news: Since I'm paying, I will pick the restaurant.

Neutral news: H may well be oblivious about the anniv. esp. since we think of it as "Labor Day" and not "the 4th".

Bad news: means that gift cert. for the nice restaurant *isn't* being held in reserve for me.

Good news: well, this is about what I expected, and at least now I know.

[givingitmyall]

You know what I'm gonna say...so I won't.

Slow and steady.

[Dia]

Yes. Sometimes it's easy. And sometimes you grit your teeth and do it anyways.

I need to go throw rocks.

[Dia]

... where the double entendres are thicker than flies on watermelon and twice as juicy.

So while I was finishing up my final hour of work, H came in to 'check on me'. Twice. Then, from the kitchen,

"DeeEEEee-aaaaa, where are my nuuuuts?" Think somehwere between Brady Bunch and Leave it to Beaver for inflection. And he was referring to a can of cashews I'd discovered and alerted him to during my kitchen excavation.

Dia (channeling Florence Henderson): They're on the bar, dear. I put them there so you could get them whenever you wanted.

H: But I can't fiiiii-iiind them.

Dia: Here - I will come and take hold of your nuts so I can give them to you.

<Dia walks to kitchen and hands H can of cashews which was in plain sight on the bar>

And a little later, we'll be grilling ribs.