BJ, I thought a lot about what you said and I need to thank you. It really helped my interaction with H.
He spent dinner with me and S tonight. I prepared a big family dinner of lots of food, thinking there would be something for everyone that way. My husband started raising his voice and criticizing me about how I gave him "too much food" and "what a waste that is" and he's "told me so many times to ask him before I make a meal"...I was p.o.ed considering I cooked things I knew he liked and for the eight years we've been together his motto has been "I'll eat anything in front of me as long as it doesn't get away from me first". So his pickiness was a shock to me.
I stood up to him! I told him he could thank me instead for cooking such a nice meal and see things from my point of view - that I provided more food so that he would have choices as to what he wanted. I told him exactly what I tell S - that he gets what I cook and he can eat what he wants or politely say "no thank you".
He tried to convince me how right he was and I wouldn't have it. I asked him how he would prefer I handle dinner, since as long as I have known him he has been happy to eat what I put in front of him. I told him if he wants me to handle it differently, he can tell me how he would like it. (Then he can't criticize me if it's his way.)
Anyway, somehow by the grace of god I stopped him at the pass. I still don't know if I can do it again!
Thank you GIMA. H stayed for dinner and put S to bed. then he said he was going to the gymn and coming back. Almost feels back to normal. Can't believe he keeps coming back after all the recent threats of D.
I couldn't do this without all of you. THank you again!
Also - where can I read more about "Loving Detachment?"
I've been reading more about it on this board. It's been hard for me to separate withdrawl, giving up, detaching etc.
Coach and GIMA are better at this than I am, but I think it's the concept of letting go of the outcome, but not really letting go of the person. (ahh yes grasshopper...:)
Not pursuing, but not going all cold and withdrawn.
I think that's the just of it.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Wow. That makes sense EB. Basically what I'm trying to do, day by day. It's tricky. It's like I'll be happy with or without H, but I'll keep my DB efforts on track because my goal is reconsiliation. Somedays I need to pull back from him, some I need to take steps closer. Somedays I need to face life without him, somedays I need to imagine being together again. Somedays I need a lot of distance, somedays I need to work on intimacy.
The biggest part of Loving Detachment for me is separating my emotions from his negative ones. When he goes into anger, criticism, negativity, threats, I need to detach big time! Keep myself calm. Keep my hopes alive. Not take the blame for his negativity and doubt, even when he is blaming me. Not going up and down with his emotions. Letting his emotions be his and my emotions be mine. That is a hard lesson that is very valuable. As you know he can be unreasonably critical and angry of me and occasionally S so that is when detachment is the hardest and most crucial. To say, "That is your opinion, but I know I am ok."
How do you guys/gals work on loving detachment in your R's?
Hey Hope You are making progress. You asked something about how do you get H to straighten up....I'm under the impression that you "straighten up" H when you do first. I'm not saying you need to "straighten up"....but you need to make changes in you that you want to see in him. If you want him to be kind, be kind. If you want him to yell and scream, yell and scream first. If you want him to be respectful to you, you first to him. What sucks is this: you can get him to yell and scream soooo much faster and easier than you can get him to be kind and respectful. But with some persistence on your part, you can do it. I do think though that it's difficult though when someone is yelling at you about something so small and "who cares?" that you just don't even know where they could be coming from. I hope it helps you to know, that your H is having a nutty with a lot fog around him.
The other great thing about being what you want other people to be is that I think we generally want to be kind and respectful, so making those changes in you first then maybe prompting your H to make the same changes is win win. You know?
You are totally right, Stronger. You articulated very well what I am doing. I'm being respectful because that's what I want. I am being calm because that is what I want. The problem is that even when I am respectful first, he is still often hostile, yelling, critical. I am still devoted to being only in control of myself, not him (as you have said before) so I am focusing on staying calm and kind no matter what he does. I'm no saint, but when I felt myself losing it the other night, I took my walk and calmed down.
I guess what I am saying is that for the long run, over time, I am treating him the way I want to be treated, and over time I hope H catches on. This is my work right now, my focus, instead of changing him. He hasn't totally followed my lead yet but I do see progress. I also am developing the inner stregth to say no matter what our problems have been, if he can't join me on being kinder and calmer also, I won't take him back.
You are welcome! From what you describe, you handled last night very well and you can do it again. In fact, it seems to me that you have just created your first boundary with your H in how he reacts at dinner time. Now how hard was that?
I have to say, you really sound like a sweet woman with a tender heart. I am sure that I speak for other men on here who read you post when I say it makes me sad to hear how your H treats you. The majority of the men on this forum don't even come close to how you describe your H's behavior. Most of us are just good men who got caught in a rut and unintentionally neglected some or most of our W's needs until it was too late. If there was only some way to travel back in time and do things differently!
If you ever get to the point where your H might benefit from hearing how other men perceive how he is treating you, just let us know. Sometimes getting that kind of feedback from another man (or men) is the only way to get through to some guys.
Take care.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Thank you! That is an amazing thing to hear. Gives me hope.
It's hard enough having the usual neglecting of each others needs in our marriage without the criticism and anger. It's almost too much sometimes. But I do see hope that he may be able to change - he seems to be responding to me putting my foot down. How hard was that? VEry hard, for me -= but with practice, hopefully it will get easier.
Well no way would H ever in a million years hear anything from other men - his ego is so fragile, he just couldn't handle it.
However, I always welcome hearing a male perspective that is not angry and critical - since frankly it's new to me. I appreciate any male on this board's perspective on how he might handle things differently. Then I can begin to see there is another way - to be treated, to be in a R, it gives me hope.
I'm working on my self esteem so that I can get to the place where I would stand up to H - even though he is the WAS - and know that unless he changes too, I won't want him back. I'm trying to remind myself that a R can be different = with him, or with somebody someday.
