New Boundaries for the Bride

[sleeper]

Catching a show this weekend, bought sushi for dinner tonight, and realizing I generally DO have the power to mess with OMH's head.

I'll have to explain that last one when I have more time as I made an interesting observation at back to school night the other evening.

"This is not the woman you are looking for." Obi Wan using the Jedi mind control voice

[Andabelle]

Eggggcellent [steepling fingers and chuckling evilly]. Can't wait to hear it.

[sleeper]

X TMed me middle of last week because it was back to school night and she had the kids. She wanted me to pick them up and meet her at work. I agreed because this concerned our children and I saw it as coparenting, not cake eating.

She and I had talked on the phone for a lengthy time a day or two earlier. When I picked up kids one of my suspicisions was confirmed as DS said OMH was "out of town". I posted earlier she has much more contact with me when he is not around. I must really be a threat to him or he is very insecure, or whatever.

After that TM she became angry because she tried to send me pics of the kids on facebook and noticed I had removed her as a friend. She TMed that was "Sh*tty" of me and she would pick up the kids and no longer needed my help. This totally caught me off guard as I did that about a month ago and thought she knew.

I struggled for a bit and decided to just TM her the truth (what the h*ll do I have to lose?);

"I didn't mean to upset you. I removed you as a friend from my facebook to prevent myself from looking at the love of my life's wedding pictures."

I continued with;

"While I'm confessing, when you called the other day and I said I was just thinking about you, I wasn't only thinking about how your injured back was feeling but also about those sexy shoes you were wearing when I came by the house Monday."

To make a long story short she didn't respond directly to my confessions but allowed me to pick up the kids and bring them. When I met her she said, "Now I feel a little self conscious because I'm wearing the same shoes I was Monday" (DRAWING MY ATTENTION TO THEM) I calmly responded, "It's OK for you to wear them, they're not red."

The four of us went to the program together. Later X and I were in DD's room sitting across from each other at a student sized table, passing notes and makind comments/faces to each other about the presentation when OMH came in and sat down at the back of the room (He must have come straight there when he arrived back in town). X acknowledged his presence and so did I. At one point I looked back to see him leaning back in his chair so he could look around someone and see me. He didn't have a very happy look on his face and quickly moved his head so our brief eye contact was broken.

"Oh and one more thing..." Peter Faulk as Columbo

I noticed flowers in X's office when I took kids to meet her. They were from OMH with a card that said, "Just because".

Because what?

He ignored her when she was hurt?
He rode in another boat leaving her alone in his?
Or because he's a jerk in general?

I'm thinking of sending her flowers annomously.

Any suggestions for the card?

"Guess who"?

[Kettricken]

If I was your current lady-friend and was aware of this conversation/dynamic, I'd dump you so fast your head would be spinning.

"Love of your life" or not, your x is now a MARRIED WOMAN. I guess marriage vows (however stupidly entered into or from what bad beginning) only matter if they're yours. So carry on with your flirtatious games. Never mind that they're probably the same ones she played with OM when you two were still married.....

[forward]

Sleeper, Don't mess w/OMH's head, tempting as it is.

It will just give them reason to bond further as you become the crazy X who won't leave them alone.

Ironically, you are much more threatening if you don't try, and you are even more interesting if you are less available. You need her to have time to digest and mull over the interactions you have had. And yes, you need boundaries.

Sleeper, I think you know you need more plans than filling an antidepressant prescription. Your assignment is to come up with some new interests in the next few weeks, K?

[graceallday]

that is a curious question.....till death do u part.....let no man "put us under" come between us? ..how many times do u say that and which one matters??? the last time or the first time?

While I agree if I was sleeper I would bow way out...and not let his wife play this game....but as far as she is a married woman..... idk...not that i dont have respect for marriage its actually the opposite....i have a huge amount ...its just after the first till death do u part.....( unless there is huge huge huge circumstances -- not we had a solid marriage and u got weak and tempted to look for greener grass)...what does that second marriage mean...to me thats the marriage that means about as much as the paper its written on....till something else happens and someone wants out again.....

[sleeper]

Kettricken I knew I would recieve and probably deserve many 2x4's for what I have done/posted. I make no excuses. I feel like i'm at a crossroads of sorts, don't know exactly why.

I know what you mean about ladyfriend. I've never professed love for her and she hasn't for me yet it's obvious we care deeply for one another and therefore have the power to hurt one another. I realize this. I sat in church with her this AM (another long story for another post) and experienced some unexpected feelings/thoughts (fortunate I have another therapy session soon).

"Love of my life" a married woman? Vows?

X is messed up (I think we refer to it as mlc). I give her the benefit of the doubt. OMH is a selfish jerk. I spoke to him man to man when this began. My mistake. He's not a "man".

I have made mistakes/poor choices in all this and am now pondering how to correct them and what course to take.

More and more I am seeing the value of what we commonly refer to as "the truth".

And if that is the only thing I have left when all this is over I will consider myself to be fortunate and a better person for having experienced this.

[sleeper]

Yeah, I hear you.

You should have seen him this evening at kidswap when I called X back to my car saying I had something for her. He stood in the yard with his hands on his hips and watched.

[sleeper]

That is: "Let no man (one) put assunder (apart)".....

Let's not discuss the biblical foundation (or lack thereof) for these mlc marriages. I experienced enough deep thoughts in church this AM.

[forward]

Sleeper, You are becoming the OOM. What a strange experience this must be.

You must resist all temptation to get involved in their marriage. He has every reason to be nervous. You don't need to do anything to become a sore point between them. If you mess with them, you will only send W back to OM and remind her of why she D'd you. You are a thousand times more intriguing when you do nothing.

It is going to take a long time for your X to disentangle her head from this mess, if she ever does. You need to get yourself together and be the best Sleeper that you can be now.

I am only three months behind you in terms of the whole situation, and I wonder if I will be facing the same situation as you at some point.