A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

And the email exchange below is what brought the 'issues' back to mind in the first place...

From Dia
-------------------------------
Hey there,

A few thoughts to share before I head down south.

Groceries - eat 'em. And don't worry about using the last of something, opening something that's not open or cooking it when I'm not around (the ribs). Anything I buy is for everybody, and contributing makes me feel good.

Housework and clutter - I've been pretty good about keeping my stuff contained and out of your way, but if something bugs you, please tell me. I'll fix it and I wont get upset. I'd much rather know than let something fester and build resentment.

Mornings - if you wake up early and want to be on your computer, please go ahead. If it wakes me up, I'll just go sleep in the big bed. There's no need for you to feel trapped in your own house.

Communication and joint parenting - I've really noticed efforts on your part to communicate with me and share the decision-making on parenting issues. I've also noticed you being an active and involved parent. It works very well when we share the responsibilities of getting kidlet out the door in the morning, with me getting him dressed and fed and you making his lunch. I also appreciate you taking such an active role in things like bedtime, holding to curfew, having them check in at the house, etc. Thank you! I love seeing this!! I will continue my efforts to do the same.

Ok, gotta hit the road. I'll be back Saturday evening.

Cheers,

Dia

-------------H's reply-----------

Thanks, Dia.

You've been doing a great job on the clutter. I appreciate that. There is the matter of there being more furniture-type stuff in the house now, but we can integrate it.

--------------------

[mindfull]

Dia:

GMTA!! I had that same thought this afternoon.

One of my 180's was really learning to share the responsibility of handling the finances. My first project was to handle a bunch of medical bills/insurance forms, etc... Did it! I also offered to do some of the banking for H, since he's in town, really just a few days a week, and then I opened a checking account on my own, and offered to write checks out of it for some of our bills, since my H likes to pay as much as possible online, and he has to do his business checking/bills, in addition to ours. Well, I've slacked a bit lately, and I need to refocus on that.

Also, the controlling/pushing thing. I caught myself last night, doing it. I need to ZIP IT.

Thanks for the reminder.

As per the usual, you are doing FAB!!! Wish I could go to the movie and chocolate event with you!!! And, I walk every am for 3 miles now w/ankle weights. Want to come with? LOL

[Dia]

Hi, GIMA, MF, lurkers all and sundry,

Back at H's. Memorial service was good. 9 hrs driving out of 30 hrs total kinda sucks.

I'm very tired so night night everyone

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I hope the memorial service was good and had some positive aspects. It isn't all about doom and gloom. There was a lot of living in your grandmother's (and my grandfather's) life. Focus on the good parts. I know my grandfather would.

Get some rest - that's a lot of driving. And do something fun for yourself.

I got in a pretty good zinger with W yesterday - not a mean comment. It just sort of happened. It's in my thread.

Take care.

[Dia]

mini-vent

H invited me to go to the D-'s for pancake breakfast again - had a great time. The D-'s, however, in making conversation twice brought up the issue of me getting my own place - asking how the apartment hunt was going, etc. Grrrr. It is a virtual certainty that I am over-reacting to this, but it felt like being beaten over the head that I have to move out, that H doesn't want me, etc.

H, for his part, said not a word during either exchange. Me, I simply said that what I had been told by some rental agents was correct, that until all of the returning university students were settled, asking rents in the area were actually going UP. The D-'s SIL chimed in to commiserate, saying that his mother had been looking for a place and all she'd been able to find was a single bedroom in a house full of university students and even that was costing her $600/month.

Again, I am probably reading into things, but it seemed as if someone had taken pains to tell them that I was only staying with H temporarily, and implicit in that is the idea that reconciliation is completely off the table. Grump! Then again, I suppose it might be a good thing for H to think through the idea that a room costs $600/month and does he really want me living in a room in a house with college students?

On a brighter note, H keeps saying things that indicate I am staying here for good. Example: We were discussing a certain rug in the LR and H says that if the cats damage it, 'we can replace it in a few years.' Note the use of "we" and "years." Last night, he mentioned some books my mother had loaned him and he said he wasn't ready to return them yet since he might read them. "Then again, if I want them later, I can always ask her if I can have them back."

If we're divorced, I hardly think he'll be asking my mother to lend him books.

Yeah, yeah - rollercoaster, script, let it go, etc.

So then we came home and H and I worked very closely together setting up and installing new RAM in the desktop computer I brought from down south.

He seems relaxed and comfy with me, initiating conversation, making jokes, etc.

[Dia]

Taking a quick break in the middle of cleaning/reorganizing the kitchen. (fix the *issues*, right?) I am by no means a neat freak, but some things need to be clean and organized to be functional, and a kitchen is one of them. Went through the pantry cupboard, threw away a bunch of (badly) expired stuff, wiped down the shelves, arranged and organized what was left. Did the same to the open shelving in the kitchen. At last I can see what we have and what we don't with a quick, visual inspection. Frequently used items are at my fingertips and an amazing amount of useless clutter has been thrown away.

H has already thanked me about 17 times, AND given me a hug for my efforts, but I did it as much for me as for him. For me, I'll be doing most of the cooking for as long as I'm here, so I need the kitchen to *work*. For him, clutter and disorganization really weigh on him psychologically, and the absence of those make him feel happy, light and free. Let's just say it wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to associate the happy, light and free feelings with me.

Additionally, at least in the past, he tended to blame much of the clutter on me. If I'm actively cleaning, de-cluttering and organizing, perhaps I can eradicate that particular identification.

He and I both have tendencies toward clutter, but in different areas. I used to allow papers, mail, books etc. to pile up on end tables, around beds and couches. His tendency is more toward never throwing stuff away which means cupboards and closets become unusable. And each of these drive the other one batchit crazy in a hurry. We're like that about cleaning, too - interlocking mess. I can't stand a moldy shower stall or a grimy sink but those don't faze him at all. I can overlook crowded surfaces or clothes on the floor, but he can't. In an ideal world, this would work perfectly. I'd clean the stuff that bugs me and he'd clean the stuff that bugs him - but somehow it never worked out that way.

Here's to better times!!

Oh, and another small sign. My kitty has to eat special food, so I've taken over buying the catfood. While cleaning the kitchen, I asked H what I should do with the approx. 20 lbs of kibble that my kitty can't eat. He said he'd give it to friends who have cats.

Hmmm, so if my cat and I are allegedly leaving in 2-4 weeks... wouldn't you want to keep those 20 lbs of cat food??

One day at a time. And fortunately for me, they're good days, so it's pretty easy.

Ok, back to kitchen cleaning...

[brownidmom]

Dia~ I am brand new here and haven't yet received my DR book yet, but I have read your entire thread. Seems like you have GAL and DBing down pat. I always look forward to seeing what has happened since your last post.

Hope that I can be as smart about all this as you are in the future, usually let my emotions get to me too much.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

That sounds great. I gotta be the voice of reason - just remember no expectations.

But it really does sound like you are doing great.

[bluerain]

Hi Dia, I thought that H was planning on you staying at least a little while a few days ago when he made the comment in the email about integrating your and his furniture.

It does sound like theyve been good days! You know, it doesnt really matter what other people say, especially about how your apt hunting is going, you arent trying to reconcile a marriage with them, are you?

I worry about what people are going to think if H and I manage to have another chance, but it really doesnt matter... maybe if I say it often enough, I can actually beleive it!

[Dia]

Thanks, GIMA - and yes, please keep saying that.

There was an OW sighting today, too. H was showing me his cellphone and how it stores voicemail locally. He played me a funny message kidlet had left today. And 2 messages back, showing right there on the screen, was a call from her.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time if need be.

On the bright side, he and I just had dinner, we're listening to Norah Jones, he poured me a glass of wine, toasted "to a welcoming kitchen" and we're both patching LotRO, a video game we plan to play together. So maybe possession is 9/10ths of DBing? I'm getting enough Quality Time to keep me in the game.

And Hiya, Brown-eyed. Welcome to my place. I'm in a pretty good space, all things considered. I could always do more on the GAL front. Soon's I get sum muneez....!