W just went with MIL over to new place to meet a friend and set some things up. She says she won't be long, but I have no idea what that means anymore. It could mean several hours. I am very disappointed in her. I know deep down she knows we could make this marriage work. She just doesn't have the heart to try.
I know that detaching from her is good for my mental health; but I am not so sure it is good for our marriage. But at this point there may not be much of a marriage to save.
Sometimes, I think she just wants to see if she can live without me. If she can, then screw commitment. If she can't, then that proves that we were meant to be together. Does she realize the damage that she is doing to this marriage? How will I ever be able to fully trust her commitment to me again?
Can she live without you? Yeah, probably. You can probably live without her. Seriously, we're all adults, individuals, we can survive on our own, it is our preference however to share our lives with someone, to be in a relationship with someone.
Commitment is a $20 word these days which doesn't get looked at alot when you have everyone shopping for bargains, more for less.
As sciences & stats go, commitment seems to be something men want more of than women which surprises me quite a bit but then when you think about it, it probably makes sense.
Does she realize the damage she is doing? I think the answer is yes and something inside her still tells her to continue on this path because she needs to be proven wrong by something/someone other than you. The affair is too exciting, these feelings she's having (everyone refers to them as "fake" love brain chemicals, they're not fake BTW, they're the same chemicals that were present when she first started being attracted to you) are too strong and she is in love with her emotions right now, logic plays no role in any of these decisions. The sooner you come to grips with this fact, the sooner you can let go of the issue of whether or not she knows the problems she's causing.
If you guys get this thing turned around, trust is something she will have to rebuild with you when you're in the driver's seat again. It can be done, through consistency of action but that isn't where you are at right now so no need to focus on that at this point.
Tristan, keep on what you're doing, you're doing good. Expect the high's & low's, we've all gone through them. Keep on journaling, keep on documenting her actions, moods, emotions, see her reaction to changes you make in your life, see what works, what doesn't. Doesn't feel like it but this is a game you're playing and you're trying to find out what actions provide winning results.
But earlier, I really wanted her back and she sensed it. My emotions are swinging; sometimes I can't think of a life without her; the next I can't imagine letting her come back. I guess it goes with this territory. By the way, I just bought "No More Mr Nice Guy.", " Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men", and "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man". Which one would you suggest I read first?
they're all good, Hold on to your nuts and No More Mr.Nice Guy stand out as the ones that helped me the most, but you'll get something different from each one of those and collectively you'll learn alot, some of them will be an eye opener - alot of what you will learn will be counter-intuitive to what you've known all your life and you won't believe some of it but trust me, it's an education you've been missing out on for quite some time.
Has your W ever lived on her own; and I mean ALONE? No roommate..no BF..no parents? I noticed in my W an unquenchable desire to prove to the world that she could live on her own; not that she has proven that to be true. But it was her desire.
Tonight we watched "The Borrowers" with the girls. W did role over a couple of times so that we touched. I moved away both times. I was and still am angry with her. Now I am angry because I know how this is going to affect the girls and she is being so non-chalant about it. She says she believes it will be good for us. She did not want to talk much tonight making a dash for the basement saying "Good night sweetie."
It is hard for me to show I care and put up strict boundaries at the same time. I think I am doing OK, but it feels so ackward. I did alright tonight, I believe.
Has your W ever lived on her own; and I mean ALONE? No roommate..no BF..no parents? I noticed in my W an unquenchable desire to prove to the world that she could live on her own; not that she has proven that to be true. But it was her desire.
Now she'll get a chance to prove it!
As far as I know, I do not believe that she was ever seriously alone. The year we were engaged, she had her own place; but you know how that goes. But now that I think about it, neither did I; I always had a roomate too. This will be a whole new experience for me as well.
Monday morning: Woke up before rest of family. Was ready for work and nearly out the door when W walked up. She looked a little surprised that I was ready already.
M: "Good morning." W: "Good morning."
I finish getting ready.
M: "Can you give me a list of the things you plan on taking with you when you move." W: "Yes. I can do that. When do you plan on going to your parents?" M: "Probably on Friday. When do you plan on moving?" W: "I asked Friend X and Friend Y if they can help on Saturday." M: "What did friend Y say about this?" - Friend Y is an ex-nun that seemed to push her lightly to stay in the marriage just a few months ago. W: <pause> "She said that I need to do what I think is right. I really don't know what is going to come of this. I need to do it as part of my life journey." M: "OK. Have a good day." W: "Have a good day."
Back to children. I just read something Gucci wrote, saying that RedSoxFan should push W to watch children as much as possible to put a wedge in her affair.
1. Practically, I think it may help save the marriage. 2. Morally, I believe it to be horrible to use children like that. However, if it saves the marriage in the end (which is ultimately the best end for the children), does the end justify the means.
I believe that I will be facing similiar delimmas in the future. For example, do I take the children as much as possible to be a good father and give my children the best possible life given the horrible situation, which will give her an easier path to be with OM. Or do I seek more quality time with girls (less quantity) and let her feel the pressures of what life as a single mom will be. I feel horrible for it, but I must admit this thought has crossed my mind.
I want to be the best person and father I can be. Can you guys help me out here.
do I take the children as much as possible to be a good father and give my children the best possible life given the horrible situation, which will give her an easier path to be with OM.
Who cares about the path to OM? Of course you get your kids as much as possible, 90% of the time if you can get away with it. You are still too busy factoring in your decision based on how it will impact her. Let her walk her own walk and you do what you feel is best for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Of course you get your kids as much as possible, 90% of the time if you can get away with it.
Thank you for your post Phoenix, I feel guilty for even posting the question. But wouldn't 90% me/10% her be just as bad as 10% me/90% her? The girls still need contact with their mother.
