Oh, I left something out. When I told him to stop shouting at me, his actual response was:
"I'm NOT shouting! You're MAKING ME shout at you." That's when I know we've taken a side trip to crazy town, when he contradicts himself in the same sentence.
Later I tried talking to him about how he'd acted, and he said of course..."forget about it." I said I'm not going to forget about it. He said, I asked for your forgiveness!! Forget about it!
You DID NOT ask for my forgiveness!!!
He said, well I said forget about it! He says he means he's sorry and wants my forgiveness when he says that. I said no, that means you want me just to forget about it.
Breakaway, Your husband could stand to read "Learned Optimism." It would help you understand him better. Goggle Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism."
Keep pointing out his behavior, you are setting boundaries and he is noticing. Keep really listening. Keep your emotions under control. You are modeling healthy behavior to him. This is breaking years of patterns and defense mechanisms for him.
Make sure you have healthy outlets - exercise, prayer, support network, hobbies etc. To fill your own love buckets for the time being. You are being a positive influence. If you get down make a list of what you are grateful for.
Find another team or sport for your son to play. Let your son know you don't think he is a quitter. Ask your husband to apologize to your son for calling him a quitter. I would maybe ask this after you forgive your husband for his outburst/yelling at you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
LOL...I have the Gottman book. It says we're 95% likely to get divorced.
Believe me, I already have to edit myself, soften startups to all conversations, etc etc etc. That's called "walking on eggshells."
I think Learned Optimism could help him with his negativity...but when he starts getting self-contradictory and saying things that aren't true, etc. well, that's something else.
I left out another entire argument we had where he was making wild accusations and carrying on, and got mad at me that I didn't just say, "you're right, H." (he said that)
ME: But I did not do XYZ, or think XYZ, etc.
H: I didn't say XYZ.
Me: You just DID say THAT.
H: ...Well...I didn't mean THAT. I just say things wrong. You can't get mad when I say things wrong.
He told me he wants me to listen to him and go along with him. I said YOU need to listen to you. You need to hear the words that come out of your mouth.
That was the end of that conversation.
I will think about your advice..but the only reason I put up with this is because I can't imagine how the same scenario would go, say about the sports, if we were divorced. Then I would have no way to buffer it.
H: ...Well...I didn't mean THAT. I just say things wrong. You can't get mad when I say things wrong.
He told me he wants me to listen to him and go along with him. I said YOU need to listen to you. You need to hear the words that come out of your mouth.
"I am not mad, please don't assume you know what I think or feel. If you want to know just ask but please don't assume to know."
"I did really listen to you. That's why it is confusing to me. I can't just go along when you aren't communicating what you really mean. Can you understand how I would feel that way?"
Quote:
I will think about your advice..but the only reason I put up with this is because
That is another way of saying you are enabling his bad behavior. Just do the right thing for you and your kids. Your husband is terrified of being loved. (If I remember correct his parents are dysfunctional) You need to show him what real love looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds like.
Give yourself some credit. You are making some big progress.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Okay, I'm done, at least done with this pitiful balancing act of trying to manage someone else's issues.
I emailed H and told him I will be staying elsewhere at night and coming home after he takes the kids to school. I'll be there with them all in the afternoons and evenings until the kids go to bed.
My best friend has left me a standing invitation to do this, back when he was drunk and raging all the time.
I have to get away from him.
I also told him I was asking him ONE LAST TIME to go to marriage counseling or a marriage weekend kind of thing. That if he said no, I would not ask again, and I would consider that to mean he is done trying.
He thinks I am just overreacting to a small situation and putting pressure on our relationship.
He says he's really changed and if I just would be mature about this we could work things out. I guess giving me the silent treatment for two days every time he imagines an offense is mature then. He went on for some time, basically blaming me for everything.
Be very clear and consise in your communication with him.
[b]He thinks I am just overreacting to a small situation and putting pressure on our relationship.
He says he's really changed and if I just would be mature about this we could work things out. I guess giving me the silent treatment for two days every time he imagines an offense is mature then. He went on for some time, basically blaming me for everything.
No mention of marriage counseling. [/b]
Make sure you validate his points (changes, pressure) then point out his mind-reading and his behavior that causes you distresss (silent treatment and not addressing M counseling.) He is very scared right now that you are leaving. Let him know exactly what your boundaries and needs are. Let him talk but don't let him project or mind-read for you. Don't let him bait you, make sure you have a plan for your triggers. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I haven't responded to him at all. He has since sent me three more emails. The next one said that I am just having an anxiety attack and what a great person I am and how loving he is going to be. The one after that was more of that. Then another one saying he hoped he hadn't made me even angrier.
I told him I don't know how I feel right now. I have to go to work.
I need to not talk to him for a while. I won't get home til tonight. So I guess I have time to think about it some more.
It's always like this. He can say whatever [censored] he wants about how he loves me right now...last night I calmly disagreed with him about something..he was taking his usual approach of "shoot first ask questions later" about the kids. And he went on a TIRADE...abut how I try to turn everyone against him ,a nd I'm trying to WIN!!! Then shut ME down and wouldn't let me talk, told me I couldn't say anything. I got mad and yelled at him, and told him he was acting like a three year old. Silent treatment.
I went twice and apologized for my part. Silent treatment.
Woke up to...silent treatment. (Of course the last time I got ST was when I told him he can't drive drunk with our children in the car.)
Then he called me from the car and blamed me for MY attitude, and that I'M mean, and basically projected all his craziness onto me, and said he is DONE fighting. He means, he can say stuff and start a fight. But then the fight is over. And I started crying and yelled you're right, we're done fighting.
Well, I didn't even finish out the day at work. Every one who saw me just stared at me and asked if I was okay. I said I was on the verge of a migraine, which was true.
Still got emails and calls from H...he is so worried about me and my depression. He keeps telling me everything is going to be fine, we are going to be fine.
So now it's all about my depression, not about him. Funny how when I told him the doctor said I had depression he got angry and said he didn't think so. Crabbed about the cost of the meds...refused to comfort me and told me he had his own problems and couldn't handle mine.
Now, it's all about my depression.
Last night I didn't leave but I just sat out on the patio until I went to bed. I was off today. I didn't feel like doing anything, I just felt like lead. He sent me an email that said Good afternoon, Precious, hope you're resting and having a pleasant day.
Now I'm precious.
Now we're going out for a family dinner when he gets home. We haven't actually "talked" about anything. I don't really WANT to talk about anything because I feel like he's going to twist everything around on me again.
I should just leave. That's the only thing that gets his attention. But the kids pay for that. So I don't know what to do. I feel like if I soften towards him enough to talk and such that he'll say "whew" and then back to normal.
I did find a Retrovaille thing in my area in a few weeks. Thinking about it.
I am no match for someone who doesn't want to deal in reality.
He now refuses to take any responsibility for anything that's wrong or any arguments that happen. He has labeled me crazy, told me he's tried to support me through all my "depressive episodes and mood swings," (I started laughing), blamed me for every single thing that happens and for us even arguing ever in the first place. Jekyll and Hyde accusing me of mood swings.
Keeps telling the kids he's done NOTHING wrong and doesn't know why I get upset with him. (They looked at him like he's lost his mind.)
Of course, he refuses MC. I asked him what he was afraid of, he said how do you know the counselor isn't a lunatic.
He did say that I need counseling. I guess it doesn't matter if I go to a counselor that's a lunatic.
We have talked in circles for two days. I wanted to go to a friend's last night and he took all the car keys so I couldn't take one of "his" cars.
This morning I made an attempt at a truce to get through the day, and his response was for me to let him know when I was in the mood for sex.
You DID NOT ask for my forgiveness!!!