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How are you doing today, BJ?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: dday101798

In turn, it's unfortunate that my XW now is begining to see the err of her ways. Of course now the excuse is we're divorced because I hurried it along and she wanted to drag it out, "to think".


Originally Posted By: Sgfan
BJ,
I think you have done the right thing in your filing. My divorce is final today and I have to say, like dday that if given more time, things would be different. This week she finally started dicussing the idea of leaving the door open after the divorce. The fact is for me though, that now I need time before I can even consider to the idea.

Separating physically was the best thing we could do, because it made her start to think. We came close, just not enough time.


Dday/SG:

Interesting that both of your WAW's reacted the way they did after the D was final. I am curious- what do you think made them react that way? Was it the trauma of the D experience that woke them up or something associated with realizing now how bad being D is? Was there any significant "awakening" - or at least a significant decrease in their sociopathic WAW behaviors before the D was final?

Right now I would describe my W's behavior as alternating between either being calmly belligerent and/or completely uncaring towards me while smiling and acting happy around our kids and others. As one family friend put it, you would never know that my W and I are having marital problems given the way she is acting in public.

My W told me the other night that there was a "slim" chance of reconciliation before I crashed her recent vacation and that I "completely blew any chance" of reconciliation once I filed for D. My response to that was "B.S.- why would you say that now after repeatedly making statements to me like 'I'm done, don't you get it?' or 'Our M is over, don't you get it?'" What is the point saying these things to me- to make me feel bad...or to make her feel good? Especially when she seems emotionally detached from me. BTW, she also commented on wanting us to physically S before I filed, however that was conditional on ME moving out of our house, not HER (the excuse being that "the kids need to be with their mother".)

Aside from giving more time for a physical S, was there anything else you could have said or done in the interim period that might have changed things between you and your W?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
How are you doing today, BJ?



I'm hanging in there Sandi. (See above posts.) I'm still very unhappy that my W backed me into a corner where I felt I had to file for D first to defend myself. She knows my history (child of D myself), so she must know that it hurt me to do what I did, however she just doesn't give a damn right now.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Quote:
My W told me the other night that there was a "slim" chance of reconciliation before I crashed her recent vacation and that I "completely blew any chance" of reconciliation once I filed for D.


Good for you calling her hand on this B.S. She is simply finding any way she can to hit you below the belt. That is why I don't think it was not an "accident" that your D3 said that "Mommy likes OM". Sounded to me as if she had been coached.

Wish I could think of something new to tell you but right now I can't think of much positive. Your W is headed for a big fall, as you know....and I hope you will be able to deal with it when it happens. I think if you were to push her toward the OM that things would tumble down even quicker. I don't know if you can do that, but the sooner she sees that you don't want her any longer--and she turns to OM, the sooner she is going to start getting a taste of reality. There is no way OM is going to support her. He's been on his own too long and he doesn't want your W (or anybody else) except as a booty call. Right now your W thinks you are mad and she is doing things to spite you, but if she thought you were happy to be free of her and looking forward to being single, then she may get her attention directed in the right way. At least she would be surprised at you....and it would be a 180!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2

Wish I could think of something new to tell you but right now I can't think of much positive. Your W is headed for a big fall, as you know....and I hope you will be able to deal with it when it happens.


Sandi,

Well that makes two of us that can't think of much positive right now. But that is OK; it's still a comfort and a blessing to know you are keeping an eye on my sitch.

As for my W's eventual fall, you need not worry about me- I will deal with it one way or another. Whether I will still be around to catch my W when she does fall is another matter. Unfortunately, my W is foolishly stubborn and will likely struggle to maintain the R with OM when it does start to fail with the equivalent effort she puts forth to convince herself it's not worth working on her M with me.

Quote:
I think if you were to push her toward the OM that things would tumble down even quicker. I don't know if you can do that, but the sooner she sees that you don't want her any longer--and she turns to OM, the sooner she is going to start getting a taste of reality. There is no way OM is going to support her. He's been on his own too long and he doesn't want your W (or anybody else) except as a booty call. Right now your W thinks you are mad and she is doing things to spite you, but if she thought you were happy to be free of her and looking forward to being single, then she may get her attention directed in the right way. At least she would be surprised at you....and it would be a 180!


Funny you should mention this as I was thinking the same thing- again of course, since I tried leaving her at her parent's house to pursue her A with the OM (without success)during my little trip awhile ago to get my kids.

At this point I would like to push her out the door to OM for the reason you stated above. In fact, I've been thinking about telling her to go talk to OM about wiring her some money so she can move out to her own apartment (we can't afford it ourselves) because of course OM won't. What is frustrating right now in this respect are two things: 1) my W continues to hide behind/use our kids to try to turn things around so that physical S is MY problem- I'm the one who needs to move because "the kids have to stay with their mom", therefore "the kids need a place to live" and 2)My W now insists that this is not a "competition" between the OM and I for her affection, she just doesn't want to be with me. Not sure why this distinction is important to her in her WAW brain since she is apparently telling her friends at the same time that her "R" with OM is really loving and special. Is it because in reality she knows OM really can't "compete" with me? Is it because deep down she knows he is unreliable? Or is there some truth to what she is saying- is she just using OM as a "toy" and an emotional crutch to get away from me? In any event, that is where I am at right now with my W- making a 180 for sure.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Posts: 2,452
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Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Interesting that both of your WAW's reacted the way they did after the D was final. I am curious- what do you think made them react that way? Was it the trauma of the D experience that woke them up or something associated with realizing now how bad being D is? Was there any significant "awakening" - or at least a significant decrease in their sociopathic WAW behaviors before the D was final?


For various reasons:

First and foremost, as I have just realized myself, in terms of the former relation, I am now the WAS, XW the LBS, the tables have turned.

Secondly, in conjunction with above, XW got what she thought she wanted. Never once listened when I told her to be careful what she asks for, she will get it and will not happy. Well, gosh be darned, here we are today and now that Xw is no longer married to her horrific XH anymore, I all the sudden don't look so bad after all.

Lastlty, and in conjunction with both the forementioned reasons, life for the former LBS starts to go on. This "isn't supposed to happen". We're to sit and be miserable and at the beckon call for our WAS. How dare we finally say enough is enough and move on? Be happy again? Explore the possibility that D is not the end of life? That was not supposed to happen. That was not in the master plan of the 'original WAS', and now, they're out of the driver's seat. Xw thought she ahd this whole thing planned out. And now, well, the plan is corrupt and XW doens't know what to do or where to go, the proverbial 'saftery net' is officially gone.

That said, you can not and should not be there to 'catch' your W. It's a fall she needs to take on her own.

EDIT- And I seriously stress you explore anyway, be it a temp custody order or not to secure your home. Her claims she is making right now that she NEEDS that house to care for the kids will get you booted once it hits court! I'm not joking.

Last edited by dday101798; 08/31/09 04:37 PM.

Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
That was not in the master plan of the 'original WAS', and now, they're out of the driver's seat. Xw thought she ahd this whole thing planned out. And now, well, the plan is corrupt and XW doens't know what to do or where to go, the proverbial 'saftery net' is officially gone.


dday,

In my case, my W doesn't appear to really have "a plan" beyond getting out of her M with me other than to continue her A with OM. She has done no due diligence whatsoever about anything. She recently started grasping the concept of what 50% joint custody means for us and the kids and is really unhappy about it. I told her the rude surprises will continue to come, however she remains unconvinced that it is worth the "risk" and effort to work on our MR.

I don't recall your sitch- did your W have OM?

Quote:
That said, you can not and should not be there to 'catch' your W. It's a fall she needs to take on her own.


Agreed. I have a habit of being protective of my W which has bit me on the a$$ on more than one occasion in my sitch.

Quote:
EDIT- And I seriously stress you explore anyway, be it a temp custody order or not to secure your home. Her claims she is making right now that she NEEDS that house to care for the kids will get you booted once it hits court! I'm not joking.


I'll talk to my attorney about it.

Thanks for the feedback.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Posts: 2,452
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BJ,

Ooooh, yes, XW did and does still have OM. She uprooted and left to move in with hime a week after I caught them. Despite all my requests that if she is going to be with him, fine, but not in front of the kids, she integrated him effective immediately. That was July 11 of last year. By Thanksgiving, they had "engaged" but have a "open relationship", ewww. Kicker is, I knew OM before I knew XW and the type of slime bucket he is, at least I do know she headed my advice and gets regular checkups, at least up until she was dropped from my insurance.

There were a few times from late summer until New Years that she would say she wasn't sure what she was doing, still loves me, wouldn't say anything (still doesnt) of how she feels for OM, and I never got the ILYBINILY load. Matter of fact, just recently she said she had called off the engagment sighting she didn't know what she wanted, [duh!]

But anyhow, things went awry after New Years, XW was enraged by a female friend of mine hanging around the house and automatically assumed as 'my girlfriend', quite comical, physically assaulted me in front of the kids, no I'm not a wuss, I won't touch her and post bomb I had lost some 45 pounds.

I had planned ahead as LRT and sent letters to her and her father whose name our house was in that I would leave 2/1/09. After some sweet talking I stayed until the D was filed 2/5 and I never saw my S12 on his birthday 2/14, thus I left to move with family. Probably my biggest mistake right there, but it was a losing battle in that house anyway.

Filed and order of protection against her, and her answer in February was finally filing for D. From there 'til June 9th when the D was final, it GOT UGLY, REALLY UGLY. XW claims the mudslinging was her L's ideas, I don't buy it. They tried to take all access away from my kids til their faces were purple. In the end, joint custody, she has residential, and I see them the a-typical every other weekend. At least I know has hit home with her as I remind her every chance I get what it feels like to be a 72 hour a month 'parent', and she does get emotional about it.

Of course, as said, blames me for the D in all regards, and STILL to this day sees nothing wrong with how she went about destroying our family..........

Until, I turned the tables on her and checked out of this toxic relationship. She made the mess, she can clean it up, then if there's any point, we can talk.

Your W sounds of the same demeanor. My pleasure to help you avoid any mistakes I made, and who knows, maybe spare you the big D? smile


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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Dday,

Thanks for the clarification and yes, I get the feeling that my W is a lot like you XW in several regards. I am still amazed that despite the way your W treated you during the entire sitch- while refusing to drop the OM- she is now wishy-washy about her D decision.

As you may have noticed in my recent post back to Sandi, my thinking is that I would like to accelerate pushing my W into relying on OM for more that sunshine in her ear, ideally get her to ask him for some $$$ to help finance an apartment of her own. Problem is, she doesn't want to rock the boat with OM and burst the fantasy bubble. I think she knows deep down he is not reliable. So right now she is hiding behind our kids trying to make everything MY problem to worry about.

So any ideas on implementing "tough love" techniques with my W with the purpose of also putting strain on my W's A would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
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Posts: 2,452
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Simple,

The pattened, act as if. Look like you're done, you're out, show her no interest, let her think that your fine with everything, "putt along with OM if he's so great, my life will go on without you" type attitude.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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