Cautiously optimisitic. Family day went well. How do I not get my hopes up? A couple weeks ago he couldn't even talk to me without yelling and criticizing. Today we spent a family day at the aquarium and it was very peaceful. I kept "as if"ing like crazy.
At the end of the night over dinner, I felt myself begin to react when he started R talks. I started getting defensive, that would have been a fight in the past. I told him instead that I was getting emotional and that I would prefer not to have the talk over dinner. I guess that was a 180.
How do I sit with the good days and not fear that tomorrow will be more "I'm moving on, nothing will change, I won't take the risk?" I fear he won't notice the progress! How do I GAL when things are going so well? I want more! I want him to run to my arms and say things are changing and he's hopeful. That of course won't happen for a long time, if ever. I'm afraid the changes will be too little too late and my hopes will be dashed after lovely days like today. I want to take him in my arms and make up and it hurts almost more when things feel nice and then he takes off to his place and still won't touch me or talk about the future.
Stronger - thank you so much for the confidence. I really needed to hear it. He did have a couple tantrums - and I tried my darndest to stay calm and he later explained he was under stress and why - AND EVEN APOLOGIZED. It's a far cry from making mad passionate love to me under the stars, but it's a baby step in the right direction!~
I told him instead that I was getting emotional and that I would prefer not to have the talk over dinner.
This is freaking awesome! I have only learned to do this recently and I have been at this A LOT longer than you. GOOD FOR YOU!
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
How do I sit with the good days and not fear that tomorrow will be more "I'm moving on, nothing will change, I won't take the risk?"
Keep reading about loving detachment. It takes forever to get this.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I want him to run to my arms and say things are changing and he's hopeful. That of course won't happen for a long time
Keep this as your goal. Don't forget it. Use this as motivation to stay patient. Be sure not to "temperature take." Breathe.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I'm afraid the changes will be too little too late and my hopes will be dashed after lovely days like today. I want to take him in my arms and make up
I can feel your pain. Boy...I can relate. You're going to have to expect more ups and downs. You've made it through these, you'll be able to make it through more. You can do it!
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Advice on hanging in there?
You're already doing it. Be sure to watch the backsliding. Fight it! Be patient. Keep with the 180's. Be patient. Use the GAL as a tool. Temperature taking and backsliding is what has drug my sitch on for such a long time. You have all of the tools you need.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Make your mind up that you are going to thrive thru this and come out on the otherside a better woman regardless of the outcome. What you are doing is honorable, brave and takes a lot of strength. You have to take care of yourself - physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. "Love your neighbor as yourself." You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thank you so much Coach and EB. Your support is helping me get through all this and avoid total despair! I haven't been on the DB site for long, it's true, but I've been working on keeping myself calm now since the bomb - last March. My therapist is really good at keeping me focused on this ,and it is my number one goal in the R.
Tonight he got pretty angry about the house - he has always had an irrational (IMO) anger problem about "the carpet". He constantly nitpicks it, yet it was HIS idea to have wall to wall (I told him years ago hardwood would be easier to clean with a small child). He continues to erupt about it and I stayed relatively calm. I actually was a bit more firm than I've been - saying "Stop it!" instead of nothing. I took a risk standing up for myself yet I was anxious that it would instead escalate things and we'd backslide. He actually did try to calm back down.
We had another issue around my son's eating behavior at dinner (see earlier post) and again, instead of him yelling and me just saying nothing to avoid the fight (180) he actually talked to me about his feelings and theory around what is expected of S at dinner and I listened and responded - calmly. That is progress! Talking! Listening! STaying calm! Standing up for myself!
Of course, now I am riddled with anxiety that this will push him away, escalate the tension, etc.
But evidence (actions, not words) is showing otherwise - for the second night in a row he offered to sleep here - still in separate rooms. He's been going off to his apartment any chance he can in the past, but we've spent two full days and nights together in this house and I'm scared to say it's starting to feel normalish. He went out tonight and usually when he does that he stays at his apt. - but he said he'd come back here and get up with S so I can sleep in. He usually stays away on weekends unless I ask for a particular time for him to take S. This weekend I don't know. He hasn't said one way or the other what he is doing == I'm holding out hope that will play in my favor and he might stick around for more family time like he has the past couple days.
Again, I'm scarecd though, I could be in for a big disappointment if he gets up tomorrow morning and says, "See you Sunday night" like he did last weekend. I'll take it a day at a time, EB, and if he hangs around like he has the last couple nights, I'll see this as vast improvement.
and Coach - loving myself. Trying to remember throughout the day that this is about loving me. Something I have yet to do my entire life, so you are right, this is about taking care of myself no matter what the outcome. That is a true 180 =- not to prove anything to him, but from the inside out, for myself.
Now - I'm pretty scared that things are going so well because it's so new - dare I say this is the best week since the bomb in March? I should be thrilled, but why am I terrified? I guess there's more to lose? More hopes that can be broken? More fear that the closer we get, the more we might slip back into old patterns of fighting.
I'm making 180's but is he? Is he ready to have a calm and attentive loving relationship instead of a resentful, antagonistic, distant one? How do I get through this panic attack?
