While eating I tell her that I am planning on cutting her cell phone and transfering our joint account into one that is only in my name. W: "This feels wierd." M: "Yes. It brings a sense of completeness." We both stand there awkwardly. Both wanting to say more; but not.
Be bold, strong and confident. So then turn and leave the room. Nothing else needs to be said.
Yes, there a lot of things at stake. How much of this do you control? Do you have a choice in the seperation? The key is in how you handle it. You have to prepare for either outcome and the sooner your wife sees that you are handling it then the quicker she sees life without you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
While eating I tell her that I am planning on cutting her cell phone and transfering our joint account into one that is only in my name. W: "This feels wierd." M: "Yes. It brings a sense of completeness." We both stand there awkwardly. Both wanting to say more; but not.
Good move.
You think so? I feel that we are moving in opposite directions so fast now. Sometimes I wonder if I am approaching this right.
Another thing that scares me is how fast I seem to be accepting it. Is she detaching as quickly as I am? I know I will have my down days, but sometimes I think "This won't be as hard as I originally thought." But then I think of all the implications financially and especially the impact on the children and think this isn't just about emotions; there is a lot of other things at stake here.
We all go through this. You could do what I did and martyr yourself, torture yourself thinking about the nightmare that divorce will be and how it will destroy your lives...at least for me, it just led to my H having all of the control and messing with me more, my kids suffering and me ending up near suicidal.
I suggest you get your sh*t together sooner than later. You can love someone and want a different outcome without devolving into depression and agonizing over it. It is part of growing up and leading.
Would it be wrong to try to get the W, girls, MIL & I out together as a family this weekend? Does it go against what I am trying to obtain?
What do you get out of this?
I'm not saying you can't do any of it but are you trying to get something out of this by doing any of this?
If you want to get the entire family out for the weekend for some fun or because you want to, by all means do it.
If you're doing it to advance your DB'ing goals, not sure how that will be accomplished by this.
By having a great weekend with your kids, MIL, W, will this make your W think twice about leaving for the OM? I don't think that is what will happen - I could be wrong.
Friday Evening: Went to video store with the girls and picked out some movies. Girls, W & I watched "Anastasia" together. It was relaxing. We put the girls to bed. W said she wanted to watch one of the movies I had rented for MIL. I asked if she minded if I watched it with her. She said "Of course not." This in retrospect was a bad move.
We watched "Nights in Rodanthe", not a good plot for our situation. We talked a little after the movie; W mentioned how strong I have been again. But also alluded to how our lives could be better if we were apart. She gave me a hug and this time I held onto it too long. We said good night and went to bed.
Saturday Morning: W is going to get the table delivered to apartment. I am going to play some soccer. I am having a very difficult time this morning. W and I have been pleasant, but I feel distance growing between us. I need to get some discipline and stop obsessing about this. Hopefully soccer will help me get my mind off this.
Saturday Afternoon: W stops by soccer and asks to switch vehicles. She needs to go get beds for the apartment and figures I may need the carseats in case I want to take the girls somewhere. W: "You still sprint very well."
Felt a little better after soccer. Went home and played with the girls for a while. Mousetrap was the game they chose. Around 5, W wasn't home and I started to get restless. I told MIL that I was going to go out for a bit. Ran to the mall to get some jeans that fit me. I have lost a decent amount weight since this whole thing started. So I got a new outfit and headed home. W called and asked if I wanted to help set stuff up at the new apartment. I said no thankyou, I thought I might go out with some of the guys tonight. Although, I had no place to go at the time. I stopped at home said goodnight to the girls and showed W new outfit. I just went to a sports bar watched a little football and ate dinner. Then hopped over to another less crowded bar and ordered a beer. Sad I know, but I didn't want to help W decorate her new place. Plus, I found that you can get free drinks if you tell the bartender that your W just left you after 10 yrs. I stayed out till 1:30. The bartenders and some of their friends kept me company.
When I got home W was asleep in our bed. She didn't want to leave girls upstairs alone. I slipped in on my side and went to sleep.
Sunday Morning: Went to IHOP with girls, W and MIL this morning. Then I went to church while the rest went to get school clothes. W and I did have a moment of looking into each others eyes this morning. She said: "Sometimes I feel like goind and others I fell like staying. I look at that as a good thing." Other than that, we have been pretty much simply cordial.
Tristan you going out to a couple of bars and having a few drinks & dinner by yourself isn't sad, I'm actually pretty damn proud of you for doing that.
And you did the right thing not going to the apartment and helping decorate it, seriously bro, you are doing it, as hard as it is, you are doing the right things. Sometimes you just need some reinforcement & encouragement so here it is, you're doing great and handling this like a champ.
The new outfit thing is a good idea, you need to start doing more of that, losing weight, going to a gym, playing sports, it's all good, all part of that GAL idea, keep it going!
W just went with MIL over to new place to meet a friend and set some things up. She says she won't be long, but I have no idea what that means anymore. It could mean several hours. I am very disappointed in her. I know deep down she knows we could make this marriage work. She just doesn't have the heart to try.
I know that detaching from her is good for my mental health; but I am not so sure it is good for our marriage. But at this point there may not be much of a marriage to save.
Sometimes, I think she just wants to see if she can live without me. If she can, then screw commitment. If she can't, then that proves that we were meant to be together. Does she realize the damage that she is doing to this marriage? How will I ever be able to fully trust her commitment to me again?
Tristan you going out to a couple of bars and having a few drinks & dinner by yourself isn't sad, I'm actually pretty damn proud of you for doing that.
And you did the right thing not going to the apartment and helping decorate it, seriously bro, you are doing it, as hard as it is, you are doing the right things. Sometimes you just need some reinforcement & encouragement so here it is, you're doing great and handling this like a champ.
The new outfit thing is a good idea, you need to start doing more of that, losing weight, going to a gym, playing sports, it's all good, all part of that GAL idea, keep it going!
Agreed.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
