My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[Coach]

RSF, This isn't that big of a deal. Nothing is different than before. Obviously you two didn't agree on the kids being around OM. Don't expect her to bring the kids by today. Do not contact her today. The kids being with her is a good thing for you - you need to be a incredible Dad right now. Stay busy - body and hands.

you communication with her needs to concise, bold and decisive. how can you improve on that? look at your history as a couple and give yourself some honest feedback. you can handle it.

[Coach]

RSF, I cross posted before your last response. Note her actions right now after you set a boundary. Boundaries are healthy and loving. Your impulse will be to reach out to her right now. Let her come to you. She might be very upset and angry. Let her vent, you validate and don't match her emotions. Stand strong.

Cheers
Coach

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks Coach

[RedSoxFan]

So after we talked this a.m. and she said she wasn't going to the memorial, she just texted me and asked if I made plans for tonight. She said she's not feeling good about being a no-show. I guess I just respond and say no I have no plans. If kids come to my place in the evening then they will spend the night and she will spend the night at the campground with OM. Well, I don't know that she will but it makes me feel yuck that she might.

Are these people that she says are important friends since Juniour high school really important if I've never heard of them in my twenty years with her? Is this all about him? Am I an idiot for even asking?

[aliveandkicking]

I want the decisions for my life to be my own.

She is telling you what she needs.

She is going to answer your questions with her actions. Let her make her decisions, give it a little time.

[RedSoxFan]

W sent this email to me in response to my requesting to have the kids stay with me while she went to the memorial and her anger that she didn't agree to 100% eliminate exposure of kids to him:

"Yes I understand. My concern is that i feel like we so often walk away with completely different understanding of our conversations. It's very frustrating because I really try to be honest and direct to avoid miscommunications."

and I responded:

"Honestly, I don’t feel like there was any miscommunication here. You said:

“I want to run this by you to see if you are okay with that. The kids will be safe and will not be exposed to anything they should not be exposed. If you object to them going to the XXXX outing and the XXXX portion then can they stay with you?”

and I took the second choice. I believe it is the right thing to do.

From my perspective I feel very clear about our entire situation.

I’ve made my feelings and intentions known to you. I love you, I have faith in myself, you as a person and our ability to have a happy life together. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together forever.

You have to decide what’s best for you. Your decisions are your own. I do not want to control or manipulate you. I have no business in your decision making process.

I have to take care of myself and continue moving forward in life. I have people who depend on me and a lot of life left to live. I intend to make the very best of it!

The rest is in bigger hands than mine

me"

Was that response OK? Am I missing anything in what she is saying? My position is that kids shouldn't be exposed to OM. She agreed to minimize exposure and eliminate overnights. There isn't any miscommunication, we jsut don't agree.

[aliveandkicking]

Well, it is better to run it by here before you send it so you can handle the feedback.

I think you didn't really validate and ask her where she specifically felt misunderstood because you want to improve the communication (she is telling you that is a huge issue for her)...

The rest is quite a lot to throw into an email that is supposed to be addressing what will happen with the kids.

You get my drift? Best to keep the issues separate and clear and exhibit that you can focus on the specific issue she brought up, which was that regardless of what you think, she feels misunderstood. And, it would behoove you, for your own sake to get really clear on what the agreement is, cuz as I read it, it is not clear. It sounds like she intends to use her discretion regarding what kind of contact the kids will have with OM and she doesn't want to have to run it by you anymore.

[RedSoxFan]

I think you didn't really validate and ask her where she specifically felt misunderstood because you want to improve the communication (she is telling you that is a huge issue for her)...
[snip]
You get my drift? Best to keep the issues separate and clear and exhibit that you can focus on the specific issue she brought up, which was that regardless of what you think, she feels misunderstood.

I followed up with an email to dig deeper into that. I sensed that I was overlooking something. I guess it was quite obvious.

And, it would behoove you, for your own sake to get really clear on what the agreement is, cuz as I read it, it is not clear. It sounds like she intends to use her discretion regarding what kind of contact the kids will have with OM and she doesn't want to have to run it by you anymore.

Well, we don't have an agreement on exposure of kids to OM. I asked her to not expose them and she said she would minimize because she didn't feel anything else was possible or practical. But we didn't shake on it. I don't agree but I do see her predicament. Some folks on the forum suggested that it's her problem to figure out. I don't really want to be mean or make life hard for her. But I do care about our kids and I do want her back.

[aliveandkicking]

I don't think you got what I was saying.

Short, clear and validating are what want to go for.

You added in a whole lot about your R and your feelings and we all have done that at one time or another but the best bet is to really focus on one issue at a time.

Coach is so good with that. If he doesn't come by here, check what he has posted on other threads.

[RedSoxFan]

This is what I Followed up with:

Can you say more about where you feel I’m misunderstanding you? I’d like very much to improve our communication

is that closer?