I think my wife may also have so much resentment and anger built up after 21 years, that dbing or anything, just puts a band-aid over the wounds. I often feel that she just gets through each day and never deals with what is at the core of her, until it just bursts out.
I think too often we don't really live. I'm not in MLC, but realize I am at mid life and don't want to waste days. I want to live fully completely. Of course, I would prefer to do that with my wife, but maybe that just can't be done with 21 years of "stuff".
At the same time, the thought of starting over on my own or with someone else isn't very appealing.
Still looking for feedback on what I should do at the end of the night - text or call her? or nothing?
When you DB'd the first time, did you make changes to yourself and the R? They should have been lasting changes whether you wanted to get back to her or not.
Maybe she saw that you weren't sincere in terms of making the changes permanent.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I went with doing nothing last night and then texted "good morning" today. Response was "morning". We usuall hug every morning before one of us leaves the house, so by text I offered to stop be her work for a hug (mistake?). Answer was "no". I made a quick call by cell after that and asked if she was coming home tonight or when. (mistake?) I got more of the don't push stuff ' "it's only been 2 days -I think we need some time apart". I got my db face on and just said "ok - just wanted to know".
So...I now know she isn't coming home until as least Sunday, if ever. I believe it's time to give her tons of space, don't push at all and look at the bright side: I am still in my house, my kids (d18 and s15) are there, and really life is normal other than the fact that my wife is not there. So, other than minimal contact by text (she seems to prefer) I think I will just live my life. Be postive and happy when I do speak with her and see what happens in a couple of days.
A while ago, I did something to her that really hurt her and completely turned her off sexually. Sex had been rare for a while and non existent recently. I only found out last night how much that one occurence had destroyed her.
We kind of glossed over that little tidbit huh?
I think you should fess up to this "something."
Not because I need or want to know, but because it looks like a key here. I could fill in that "something" with any one of a number of things that could "hurt" a woman. (Matter of fact, you used the word "destroyed")(heavy term to use) Some of them to the point of no return for her...
Didn't mean to gloss over it. Too long a story for my typing skills to properly explain it.
I think it is 100% a key here. It obviously has been eating away at her for months. Since I can't take it back and have already aplogised and admitted that it was horribly wrong, there is little I can do regarding that issue. If it has hurt her to the point of no return, than it has.
If not, and she does come home at some point, hopefully over time the wound will heal. So..the focus now is what to do if she does come home and what do if she doesn't. I think I am in a holding pattern for a couple of days. Important days they are - they are going to lead to the bomb (or something like that) or to an opportunity to save our marriage a second time.
She gave me a horse on facebook's farmville. Not sure some of you will have any idea what that means. But I figure this action and playing scrabble on facebook means she's not hating me at the moment. She would shut down 100% if she was.
I texted "thanks for the horse" - got a reply - replied and then stopped the textversation when she did not respond.
I'm thinking tonight I will text "good night" at my usual bedtime, since I did not do anything last night. I feel like I am thinking out each move too much. But, I really think the next couple of days are crucial. I know she doesn't want me to "push" (her term), so I am doing my best not to.
What's the sweet spot between not pushing/pusuing and having your waw think you don't care?
What's the sweet spot between not pushing/pusuing and having your waw think you don't care?
Your attitude. Are you projecting a vibe that says you are confident, strong, decisive, solid, and fearless right now? How would txting good night fit in with that currently? It's how you act not what you say. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you handling your business? You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm actually far more calm and collected than last time. Not sure if I am giving off the exact vibe I want to be. Last time I did a lot of acting "as if", since I was dying inside. I think I will turn up the positive attitude a little.
Thinking it over, probably better off not to text good night. Will likely come across as needy to my wife. I will have the best night I can at home in front of the kids (for their sake and mine)and see what tomorrow brings. I think I will even skip the good morning text tomorrow. In fact, I am now determined to make next contact be initiated by her.
Sometimes just having this place to type out your thoughts and read them helps. Mr. strong and fearless out.
