A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

BTW - note on dresser - I haven't seen enough of her writing to be certain. There's a name on the note that I might recognize - friend of a family friend sort of thing. I *think* the note is along the lines of "Call X and she'll come by to pick up the toys."

OW lives far away, so H would have to drop the toys off at OW father's house, or someone would have to come get them.

Since my cleaning projects include mucking out and organizing kidlet's room and the guest room, eventually I will have the opportunity to 'organize' those toys. ATM, however, I am "not noticing them", so to speak. The duplos (big legos for babies) could concievably be kidlet's (they're not), but the big wheel and little pink shoes... those get under my skin a bit.

Edit: we had a miscarriage not too long before the split. Seeing the pink shoes especially hurts because I wanted a girl and she'd be about that old right now.

[Dia]

Journalling...

The miscarriage. We had been 'trying' for about 6 months before I got pregnant but when I did, I was really worried that it was a bad thing. I didn't think H was up to having another child even though he was elated about the pregnancy. There were already problems in the marriage. H was withdrawing and acted like kidlet and I were a burden, acted like he felt trapped, etc. If he was feeling trapped and overwhelmed with just me and kidlet, how the heck was he going to handle another baby?

I learned I would miscarry on my sister's birthday. With a sexual assualt in my past, I knew that having a 'procedure' to handle the miscarriage was going to be too traumatic for me to handle so I went home to wait it out. H was alternately wonderful and not there for me. Intellectually, I know he had to work and couldn't take the whole week off, but for the worst of it - the time when I was doubled over in pain bleeding on the bathroom floor - he wasn't there. I felt so alone. He did take at least a day or two off, and he took good care of me when he was home.

I felt like the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise, maybe the best thing that could have happened under the circumstances - and I felt horrible for feeling that. Was I post-partum-y? Dunno. Maybe. I was depressed for at least a month afterward, and my contact with OM started during that time.

He was someone from my past and I looked him up on a whim. I was absolutely NOT intending to have an affair when I looked him up. At first it was just emails, catching up, etc. H was becoming ever more avoidant and hard to talk to. OM seemed to listen. His marriage was on the rocks, too, so we commiserated with each other.

I'm sure you guys all know how that goes. I am not proud of it. I am not defending it.

H and I live in a very small town where the main families have been here for generations. Names of H's ancestors are on the street signs. I felt like I couldn't open up to anyone because I didn't want to create problems for H, hurt his reputation in the community, didn't want people to talk. The only people I talked to were OW1 (the snake!), OM and a few people on a women's health and fitness board.

Eventually, OM started trashing my H, esp. the alcohol problems, and talking up how bad my marriage was, how much I deserved better. Unbeknownst to me, OW1 was running me down in her convos with H.

I asked for marriage counseling and H agreed to go. It sucked. the MC seemed to take his side on everything. H was lying about the alcohol consumption (lying, denial, whatever)and that just seemed to buttress for the MC that I was exaggerating, hypercritical, and emotionally volatile - who, of course, reinforced these perceptions with H. I called off the MC and declared us separated. And yes, OM had been pressuring me to do that. And no, I am not proud of it. (I told you in the beginning I'd be honest about my own failings, so there it is.)

Over the next 3-4 months, H stopped drinking, went to a few AA meetings, did more around the house. I was still in contact with OM (email/phone only) but H was making a dent in things. I got to the point where I wanted to work it out. I backed way off on communication with OM and started resisting his machinations. I also started looking for opportunities to tell H that I wanted to work it out. That's how I found out about OW1.

H was spending almost all of his spare time on the computer. I'd go in to see what he was doing - I didn't want to have the conversation with him looking back and forth at a computer screen. Since he often games with a group of our friends (including OW1's husband) I was trying to pick a night when I could ask him to turn off the computer and come talk to me.

Eventually, I'd give up waiting and go to bed. He was coming to bed at 2 am and sometimes I'd hear him laughing in the office. Finally I walked up to him and asked if something was going on.

He turned around in his chair and said, "Yes. I've been in a relationship with OW1 for a few months now." Then he turned back to the screen and typed to her that I'd asked him what was going on and he'd told me. She typed something back like, "Ew. Do you need to go?" I didn't see his response because I'd already walked away.

He was chatting with her the next morning when I woke up, too. It must have been a weekend day. Until this point, I had told him I was unhappy and that I considered us separated but I had never said the D word. Again, I walked over to him on the computer.

Dia: So this has been going on for a few months now, right?

He looked at me and said yes.

Dia: And this is what you want? You're going to continue it?

H: Yes.

Dia (nodding): Ok. Then I think we should move to closure as quickly as possible.

H: Ok. (and he went back to the computer)

I went to the master bedroom and shut the door, sobbing in a corner against the wall saying "I want a divorce" over and over again. It was the first time I'd ever spoken the word.

What made it worse was that all this time over the past few months, people had been asking me if I thought he was having an affair, and I'd been defending him. "No. No, he would never do that." Earlier in the summer, he'd driven 8 hours each way to go to her daughter's bday party. Looking back at that, well - it wasn't just for the bday party, now was it?

Up until this point, I had no plans to actually leave. None. I took kidlet to visit my folks at their timeshare in Lake Tahoe - a real kick in the pants because that's where we met OW and her H. I told my dad that I needed out, and asked if kidlet and I could come live with them for awhile. They said yes.

I went back home, told H that kidlet and I would be going to my parents. I went to my folks' place alone to get the space ready for us. When I got back to pick up kidlet and a carload of stuff, I asked H on a hunch when OW was coming. His answer: "Tomorrow." It was Thursday, and they were planning a - well, let's just say a weekend together.

So I packed up kidlet and my car and drove away. That was the middle of August. I got kidlet settled, started him in his new school and filed for divorce. We were married on Labor Day, so I think of Labor Day as our anniversary but the date is Sept. 4, so often Labor Day and the 4th are not the same. Even greater than the shame of leaving, my bigger shame is this: It was not Labor Day when I filed the papers. Labor Day was a holiday, so I filed on a Tuesday or Weds. after the holiday. I didn't do it on purpose, but the date I signed the papers was Sept. 4th, our 13th wedding anniversary.

When I realized that, I thought about waiting a few days - but then I remembered him scheduling that weekend with her before I was even out of the house and I licked the envelope and stuffed the thing int he mail. So much hurt. So much anger. So much devasastation.

Looking back, it was completely the wrong decision. I should have stayed, slapped down an ultimatum then met the bit@$ at the door and sent her packing.

And yes, the whole thing did end up driving me straight into OM's arms.

Well, so there's your marriage clusterf*^k story for the day.

Upbeat Dia will return momentarily.

[Dia]

Ok, this time I did snoop. (Bad Dia!!)

H did hide the mail.

The card is not from OW. It's to kidlet from one of the D-'s grandchildren and is most likely a birthday invitation. It was not open and I did not open it. (Wouldn't have opened it if it was from OW, either.)

So, commence speculation and mind-reading (More bad Dia!!)

There was absolutely no reason for him to hide the mail if he knew that card was to kidlet. Ok, maybe the D-'s told him that I'm not invited to the party, but H has been pretty comfortable excluding me if he thinks the situation warrants. A 'she's not invited' is the only reason I can think of for him hiding the mail if he knew what the card was.

High likelihood then that HE thought the card was from OW, too. And since he's now had ample opportunity to open it privately, it's kinda interesting that he hasn't. I'm not reading too much into that, though.

And yeah, I'm having a hard day, today. Lot on my plate. I leave tomorrow morning to go back down south for Gramma's service.

The bone from the ham is currently being made into split pea soup. Split pea soup was the last meal I ate before kidlet was born. Didn't plan it that way - that's just what one does with a ham bone, ya know?

I'm feeling wistful and sad.

[Coach]

What has triggered all of this?

[Dia]

All of what? Me struggling today?

Lots of things. H is more withdrawn this week, less warm and I am feeling the presence of OW more keenly. I've done real well handling my grief over my grandmother's passing, but knowing that I have to drive 4 hours tomorrow for her memorial service is weighing on me. I'm sleep deprived, thanks in part to sleeping on the couch, my own anxieties, working late last night and H waking me up on his way to his 5 am computer assignation.

Also, yesterday I read a part of someone else's thread that really hit me hard. She was talking about being in the same bed with her H and how badly she wanted to touch him - and as good as things are going with us, I don't even get to sleep beside him. Most of the time, I'm ok with it. But last night - truth be told I stood in the hallway outside his door at midnight on the cusp of asking if I could sleep with him. Twice.

Then I went and slept on the couch and snuggled my cat instead.

Then I mentioned the miscarriage in one of my posts - and it's about that time of year - for the miscarriage, for when I left, for our anniversary, for when I filed, etc, etc, etc.

Big damn snowball picking up debris and speed as it rolls down the hill.

So yes, I'm having a weak spell. When that happens, if I'm alone, I allow myself to feel the feelings. Stuffing them is counter-productive. But I set a time limit on it. Today, my time limit is 2 pm. I have to get my work done, but I can be sad until 2 pm. Then I have to get my head back in the game.

[tristan]

Hang in there. I often feel that way as well these days. I will have you in my prayers.

[Coach]

Know thyself was my point. Just be aware and find ways for you to cope.

So yes, I'm having a weak spell. When that happens, if I'm alone, I allow myself to feel the feelings. Stuffing them is counter-productive. But I set a time limit on it. Today, my time limit is 2 pm. I have to get my work done, but I can be sad until 2 pm. Then I have to get my head back in the game.

that is a good plan.

[Dia]

Thank you, Coach and Tristan.

There's all kinds of regret and sadness in there, but some of it is just a pity party. And for pity parties you just tell yourself to go get the Big Girl panties.

[Dia]

Example of head back in game...

Email to H, who is headed to a friend's house for movie night after work:
--------------------
Just had a thought...

You know, there's totally enough food here for people to come here tonight. I made the soup (and damn it's good!), plus there's ham, salad and whatever munchies or beverages you typically bring. Having it here would also make it easier for kidlet to go but still be home in time for bed.

It's cool either way, but if you want to invite them here let me know so I can pick up the LR a little more than usual.

Cheers,

Dia
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H's reply:

Thanks for the offer!

I'm going to stick with going to their place. It's a comfortable routine.

H.
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Hmmm, interesting. It doesn't bug me that he said no, but there was some learning in the 'Thanks for the offer" part. I was prepared for a uniformly negative, flat out no, knee-jerk reaction possibly along the lines of telling me to stop trying to weasel into his life.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

Just expect some down along the way. Like Coach said, find a coping mechanism and keep moving forward. You are really doing great.