I have the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach again.
I may be one of the success stories here, but now I am back. I of course, stopped dbing as I said I would after a period of time. And now, without even seeing it coming despite my past experience, my wife and I are once again in trouble.
After a brief argument last night, in which I pushed too much, she walked out and spent the night with a friend (platonic- female friend). We just spoke on the phone and she is not coming home tonight either.
All I can say is...here we go again. A warning to all - if you succeed, never stop dbing!!
I am so ruined by this, that I forgot to ask this question. Does anyone have any experience the second time around? I would think the rules are the same, but one never knows.
I just read my old post when I announced the divorce was over and I said I would stick around to helps others out. I didn't. If I did, I probably would not be typing this message now. So, even though I didn't keep my promise, I am once again here, looking for help.
Last time we were in crisis, I used this site as my journal and it helped, so why not do it again?
She took her turn in a new game of Scrabble I started on facebook today. That's not much, but it's something. The idea of sleeping alone (well...tossing and turning alone) again tonight, makes me so sad, I don't have words. But when she said "I'm not coming home tonight", I remembered not to argue or beg. I just said "maybe that's the right thing". I will remember not to pressure her. She hates that more than just about anything.
I'm not sure if our kids being 18 and 15 now makes this better or worse than last time when they were 4 years younger. Hmmmmm
There has been a gradual downturn over the last 2 years approx. I saw it, but did nothing. Sure, here and there I applied the stuff I learned last time, but never long term.
A while ago, I did something to her that really hurt her and completely turned her off sexually. Sex had been rare for a while and non existent recently. I only found out last night how much that one occurence had destroyed her.
It is possible that the conversation yesterday was the tipping point and that this may be short lived. But...either way, there is a real problem festering there.
Even if she does comes home in the next few days, I don't know what I will say. Promises shomises sure won't do.
It's killing me, but I am backing off today. Just trying to work as usual and then see what tomorrow brings.
How does it happen? We manage to save it once, and then go right back to (at least) potential loss?
Do you ever think that it just isn't natural for 2 humans to pair bond for life? Or that maybe our spouses just don't like who we really are - when we are just being our natural selves and not dbing and working our butts off to keep something alive?
I've been thinking today. At least if this time it does end, I'm a stronger person than I was 4 years ago, my kids are older and will be less affected and we are financially more able to handle a split. Sure....I want things to work out, but gotta be prepared for the worst and see something positive, so there is still a life for me if it all ends.
Indy, not sure I have a 1-size fits all answer. For me, I put all my effort into saving my M. My career for that year went down the tubes. The past couple of years, I've been more and more preoccupied with work, thinking we were good. That, and I think my W has a hole of discontent in her that just part of her, and she things that getting out the M will make things better. So - I think there is an underlying problem in my M as to the size of my wife's needs, and my ability to balance what I can do. I made a lot of changes the 1st time around that are still with me, and I'm a better person for it - but, as GIMA pointed out, there are larger issues that were only temporarilly resolved.
I have a buddy that has been through this too - W was unhappy, they reconsiled, and now he's worred that she's drifting to this discontent again, and he's going to end up in the same place.
I think you need to calm down right now - yes, start DBing, abolutely, but she hasn't dropped a bomb. Right? Get yourself together. You're not in last resort yet.
