...I help put the girls to sleep and get ready for bed. Not a lot said between W and I. M: "Have a goodnight." W: "You too. Have a goodnight sweetheart."
Finished the story of Tristan before falling asleep. FYI: In the end, he dies of a broken heart.
I don't know if it is my misperception, but she does not look like she is having an easy time with this. After a pause,
W: "So how are you doing?" M: "I'm OK. This whole thing sucks, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But I'm doing OK." - relatively upbeat W: "Yes. It is hard." ...
I walk down after getting ready, MIL had made me some oatmeal (she is very kind). Then on my way out I say bye to everyone: M: "Have a good day." W: "Have a good day sweetheart."
I don't know about you but the "sweetheart" thing is a little too sticky sweet for my taste especially considering the fact that she is pursuing a relationship with the OM, does she call him "sweetheart" too?
Ask her to stop calling you "sweetheart", it shows you're detaching, if she asks why, tell her you're not comfortable with it anymore given the existing circumstances, tell her talking like that adds confusions to this situation and you have a clear head on all of this and want to be confusion free with your actions going forward.
No details on any of this, just leave it like that, even if she asks, tell her you prefer not to talk about it.
It shows you're detaching, it adds mystery to the situation, "what are his plans?" It shows that you are now in control - very important, up to this point, this has all been her decision, she's been calling the shot, she's been in control, now you're taking back control, showing you have some direction in all of this, you're leading your own way, it's very attractive to show control, confidence, leadership (charting your way), etc. Making the decision about the church where your kids would go was a good move, it was YOUR decision. Telling her you're taking the kids to see your dad and telling her you told him about the current situation means you're also in control, the shame/guilt of this situation isn't on you, it's on her, let her deal with that guilt.
As for her not having an easy time with this, I would say GOOD, glad to hear it, it's not your job to make any of this easy on her. Be a great person, be upbeat, be happy, positive mental attitude, throw a monkey wrench into the works, appear super upbeat & happy.
Here's another monkey wrench, on a day that you know she will be home and she expects you home at a certain time, call and tell her or your MIL you will be late, you have some plans after work and to tell the kids goodnight for you if you don't make it back before bedtime. Find something to do, stay out very late - some time of night that would be very out of character for you. Seriously I don't care what you do with your time just make sure you come home late, after midnight if possible. When you're asked where you were, tell her you're an adult and given the current situation it's none of her business anymore and leave it at that, don't be rude just be assertive, you need to appear as if you're moving on - more mystery.
As for that story of Tristan, you won't be dying of a broken heart and if you start db'ing your ass off, you may turn this thing around. And if you don't, you'll be in a better position in your own life to move forward successfully with no regrets - you will get there!
Hmmm, I'm not so sure I would ask her to stop calling you sweetheart. If you do so, you will be training her to keep expressions of interest/affection to herself which may well be counter-productive. If she feels like she's not allowed to express those kinds of feelings toward you, it will certainly put a damper on the possibility of reconciliation.
I think it is possible for you to detach without inhibiting her positive expressions. If it's coming across as needy or manipulative on her part, then manage *yourself* and your own reaction to it.
If she's being nasty, condescending or exhibiting other poor behavior toward you then yes, set your boundaries and let her know it won't be tolerated. But I'd be more careful about positive behaviors.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
So I am sitting thinking "What should my role be in telling the girls that W is moving out?". I know W expects us to tell them together. I think that is what my IC told me needs to be done for the children's sake. But seriously, what will I say? Do I need to say anything? How can I answer the questions when I don't fully comprehend why W is doing this myself?
So I am sitting thinking "What should my role be in telling the girls that W is moving out?". I know W expects us to tell them together. I think that is what my IC told me needs to be done for the children's sake. But seriously, what will I say? Do I need to say anything? How can I answer the questions when I don't fully comprehend why W is doing this myself?
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let her explain it to the kids with you there. make sure you have a dialouge prior with your wife on what will be said. think thru it. you need to be confident and strong - your kids and wife will all be watching how you handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
W just left a message on the phone about a parent's event tonight. But finished it "... if you have questions or ahhhh want to talk about anything, give me a call. Bye."
I read it and probably need to re-read it. I think this means that it is working. But I am still bummed.
I had planned on going to play a little soccer tonight. But, daycare provider called and said that she really needs me to go to a first-aid class tonight or they will cancel it on her. She is a good friend and I don't want to let her down; so I am skipping soccer to go to first-aid class (bummer).
W is going shopping tonight to furnish her new apartment. I can't help but imagine her out with OM picking out her new decor. I need to stop doing this to myself.
So I am sitting thinking "What should my role be in telling the girls that W is moving out?". I know W expects us to tell them together. I think that is what my IC told me needs to be done for the children's sake. But seriously, what will I say? Do I need to say anything? How can I answer the questions when I don't fully comprehend why W is doing this myself?
She tells them. You are there.
Most of their questions can be anticipated. Make a list and decide what your answers will be.
Most important they need to know you both love them and that you will no matter what.
I have been through this and it was bloody hard. Others here have too. You get through it...I'm sorry.
regardless of what happens, you tell your children that "daddy & mommy" won't stop loving them and will always be there for them.
- the rest you leave for your wife to answer, remember consequences for their actions, don't make it easy on her, don't make any of this easier on her, let her realize the weight of her decisions.
