W asked for Tax Returns from last 2 years so she could confirm income to landlord. I sent her pdf formats of them. She just left a message asking if there is a summary someplace that she could use, saying "These tax forms are huge!"
What is the correct response here? Can I just let it go?
OMG, regardless of her mental health status, she's a functional adult and a successful career woman. She can figure out all by her ownself the details of how to go about leaving you. DO NOT hold her hand on this. IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Also. RE: what everyone else is saying about security, etc. None of it resonates with me, but there seems to be a groundswell of support for that POV, so maybe there's something in it and I'm just a freak.
Be that as it may ... for the sake of holding a balanced view of your culpability in all this ... and this is general, not just as it applies to Tristan:
If you ASK someone if they need help and they say NO .... that is ON THEM. Take all the subtexts and "You should have knowns" out of the equation unless they were literally ON FIRE and you asked if they needed water. Some people really would rather manage for themselves; some can't swallow their pride enough to ask for help; either way, you shouldn't feel compelled to guess correctly. I strongly believe that no one has any business bailing on their marriage either in fact or in spirit until that one has articulated their dissatisfactions, disappointments, and core needs and desires repeatedly, in words of one syllable. Neither you nor your wife was put on this earth to read the others' mind. Maybe you were an ignorant, selfish, jealous putz and didn't meet her standards as a partner, husband, or father ..... but if you weren't getting feedback to that effect from her that you could clearly understand, the current state of your marriage is a *joint* responsiblity. Not hints, not this kind of passive-aggressive "no, no, I'm okay ...." which you were apparently supposed to translate as "I'm NOT ok and you should KNOW THAT" to save her from having to stand up for her preferences. I don't care how much rationalizing anyone wants to trot out about how society makes women feel like they can't/shouldn't speak up regarding their own needs/health. If a woman feels compelled to martyr herself to her family, fine, but it is fighting exceedingly dirty to try to turn that back on her partner. IMHO.
So own your own failings, absolutely, gain awareness of her needs, by all means ..... but it's not healthy for anyone if you try to take on *all* the responsibility for the broken state of your relationship or castigate yourself for missing 'clues'.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
W asked for Tax Returns from last 2 years so she could confirm income to landlord. I sent her pdf formats of them. She just left a message asking if there is a summary someplace that she could use, saying "These tax forms are huge!"
What is the correct response here? Can I just let it go?
OMG, regardless of her mental health status, she's a functional adult and a successful career woman. She can figure out all by her ownself the details of how to go about leaving you. DO NOT hold her hand on this. IMHO.
Tristan you are lost here, can you not see that she has to do this herself. OMG!
W asked for Tax Returns from last 2 years so she could confirm income to landlord. I sent her pdf formats of them. She just left a message asking if there is a summary someplace that she could use, saying "These tax forms are huge!"
What is the correct response here? Can I just let it go?
She asked for the tax returns for the last 2 years, and you did what? Please don't tell me you scanned them, converted them to pdf and then emailed them to her.
Yes you should let this go. Tell her the forms are at home in this envelope/folder/drawer, etc. You can use them and then return them when you're done.
Tristan you are not her secretary - yes please let this go, she is a big girl, she can take care of this herself.
No. I have done the tax forms online the last 2 years via computer. There was never a paper copy. She needed them and I didn't want her looking for them on my computer; so the easiest thing was to save them as PDF and e-mail them. Was that a mistake?
nope, it's fine, it's done, make sure that when you are going take care of something like this for her that it's on your timeline, you don't want to jump at every request and take care of it within the hour, you do have a life, you can take care of when YOU have time.
So own your own failings, absolutely, gain awareness of her needs, by all means ..... but it's not healthy for anyone if you try to take on *all* the responsibility for the broken state of your relationship or castigate yourself for missing 'clues'.
Yes!!!
Besides, hindsight...blah blah blah...what matters is what is happening now.
W asked for Tax Returns from last 2 years so she could confirm income to landlord. I sent her pdf formats of them. She just left a message asking if there is a summary someplace that she could use, saying "These tax forms are huge!"
Journaling: Wednesday Night: Stop by Video store to pick up videos for girls and MIL on the way home from work. Not a lot said when I get home. MIL thank and girls thank me for the movies. W and I sit down at the table while I eat.
M: "How was your day." W: Shruggs shoulders "You know." M: "Anything exciting?" W: "I got my keys." M: "Thats good." W: "How was yours?" M: "OK. I was thinking of taking the girls home for Labor Day." W: "Did you talk to your dad?" M: "A little. He knows enough. He knows you plan on moving out." <pause> M: "What?" <pause> M: "What?" Wife walks out looking as if she is about to cry.
I start watching the Hannah Montana movie with the girls (they are still in the half watch the movie; half play around stage). W reappears about a half hour later in a better looking mood. She watches the movie for a while and then starts removing her braids which she has had in since the beginning of July. I was truly able to enjoy the time with the girls. However, at one point in the movie, D5 started asking W and I about whether she could have a horse after we move (we had been thinking of moving to a larger place in the country at one time). It tore my heart to know how devastated she will be when she finds out the truth.
I help put the girls to sleep and get ready for bed. Not a lot said between W and I. M: "Have a goodnight." W: "You too. Have a goodnight sweetheart."
Finished the story of Tristan before falling asleep. FYI: In the end, he dies of a broken heart.
Wednesday morning: I had planned on going for a little jog this morning, but W was up when I walked down about to read her divorce book. She poured me a cup of coffee, sat down, and we didn't say much at first. I don't know if it is my misperception, but she does not look like she is having an easy time with this. After a pause, W: "So how are you doing?" M: "I'm OK. This whole thing sucks, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But I'm doing OK." - relatively upbeat W: "Yes. It is hard." ... We talk a little about when and how she will move. She says she will move her things labor day weekend while I have the girls at grandparent's home. But asks if she can stay in the house for that next week because it is D5's first week of school. I agree saying, "I don't want to ruin D5's first week of school."
I tell her that I am going to start taking girls back to our old church for Sunday School. We have tried the Unity church for a little while, but I don't like it much and D5 misses old church. W agrees to taking them to the old church on the weekends that she has them. I walk out to start getting ready for work.
I walk down after getting ready, MIL had made me some oatmeal (she is very kind). Then on my way out I say bye to everyone: M: "Have a good day." W: "Have a good day sweetheart."
Poor question to ask anyone. Better options: - What did you learn today? - Who did you help today? - What made you laugh? - What did you do for yourself today?
Try them out and come up with your own.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
