Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[mishka422]

That sounds like such an interesting and fulfilling job. Getting things done there must be much easier than here. There is a massive pothole in my street that practically swallows small cars (and small children) but I've called public works numerous times and they keep passing it on to the next department and the next......what a PITA!

[AliSuddenly]

hey everyone.. it is a good job! But its the same here Mish, takes forever to get anyone to do anything and you get passed around different departments for like a year or more.. but I am taking action and sorting things in like an hour !!! I hate inefficiency. I'm suppsoed to be starting as a trainee FE teacher in a month, I accepted, but now I dont know if I should resign or not!?? Some things never change !

So things are great, I'm very lucky, he is 100% back, so... why am I so down? I actually feel pretty down when I wake up most mornings lately. I told him today I was. Last night I washed sheets, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, twice, shopped, cooked, hung out washing, made the beds up.. he normally does more housework than me but he was mowing the grass, mending the shed, etc... I joked we were like a 1950's postcard. It all just felt so .. domesticated. I told him all of this, that I was worried we were already losing the excitement, fun and romance. He said.. but this is what I like, its what I want, I know you want fireworks, but its called contentment, what we have is amazing, its real, its solid...

I cant complain at that can I? I guess its hard that he doesnt want to ML normally (apart from a couple of times the past month), especially as I found 4 or 5 boxes of condoms in his cabinet when I first moved back in.. its like, wow, were they having so MUCH s*x that they never wanted to run out of damn condoms!?? Or maybe there were so many (some unopened) because he went off sex with her too. I want to ask him these questions. Maybe I will later ! (bad idea huh). I know he went off it with her, as he told BMF and then dumped her anyway. Its not just that though.. maybe its resentments surfacing, maybe its just the anticlimax after the initial euphoria of reconciling, maybe its because noone phones me anymore (or him) now we are back together!! And BFF has reacted badly to me reconciling and has stopped calling me too sadly..

[kat727]

I think a lot of what you are experiencing is called life. If you want sparks and sizzle you will have to toss those in on occasion to keep things hopping.

Why don't you invite your friends over or go out with them? Maybe they are thinking you just want time alone. And as for the job front, going from no job to a couple??Wow. when it rains it pours. I am happy for you.

kat

[mishka422]

And BFF has reacted badly to me reconciling and has stopped calling me too sadly..

What? WTH is that about? Why would she do that? Your BFF should be supportive of you no matter what your decisions are unless it is directly detrimental to your health (mental or physical).

It sounds like it probably is just the letdown from the initial excitement of being back together. You had to have felt like it was an entirely new R instead of the same old same old at first. Now, you've settled back into a contented R doing the normal mundane things that you always have. There still needs to be excitement, but it's now going to be the kind that you create willingly, not that is created from an emotional high only. KWIM?

[transformer]

It's possible that when you go further down the rabbit hole with BF that there will be unbelievable sexual fireworks... like they talk about in passionate marriage. But he will need to deal with whatever is making him uninterested in sex right now as part of starting that new journey together with you. Is he still in therapy? I can't remember... If I was in your position, I would fly with BF to colorado and meet with Mr. Schnarck!! (who is coming out with a new updated passionate marriage any moment now!!!)

New underwear is exciting!! I'm a big fan of Mary Green boyshorts... they are superhot without being uncomfortable.

congratulations on the new job! It sounds fun!!!!
love,
T

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

One thing that would concern me as well is BF's "contentment" w/the situation, b/c I learned from experience that you have to keep the spark alive and never forget to keep dating each other throughout your R.

I like T's idea of making sure he's in counseling to work on his issues w/not wanting to be intimate w/you physically as good sex is also critical to a lasting relationship.

RTL

[Kalni]

Al,
I would phone you if I knew I wouldnt interrupt!!!

When you want to feel better, think of all the nights you stayed up late and crying about him, think of how it feels to be alone and lonely, of not having that special someone by yourside.

Happinness is...moments. Happinness is appreciating what you have when you have it, not when it is lost. Trust me on this. Passion and excitement dont show up with actions, actions bring back passion and excitement. We are made to believe that things should just happen, but it is not true. We make things happen.
Love
K

[AliSuddenly]

Kat - Thanks for being happy for me! Must check out your thread btw. We did see alot of old friends this weekend, was like old times and they looked amazed at how "normal" we are, like we had never been apart!!

Mish - You are so right, it DID feel like a brand new R, a new bf, so wierd, I remember posting in the early weeks about us "telling our stories" to each other, as though we had just met (we knew them all in fact!).. now the opposite is true, its like the S never happened. So wierd. As for BFF, she called me last night! First time since June. She joked she had finally phoned the house.. so I think, like his Mum (who is only just warming to me again) they took 3 months to get used to 'losing us' after being used to phoning me, and his Mum him, every single night that we were apart.

Hey T..where you been !? I have to say, thats the frustrating thing, we dont have any issues in this area and already had fireworks but our s*x life was transformed really from being more honest and glad to be back together, I'm talking NYE grade fireworks!! Plus, I did read PM and I have remembered the couples stories and have been using that approach with him, but I wont make him read it himself. Its just infrequent!!

T, Rob...he stopped C because he thought it wasnt helping, the lady was just "well meaning". I got free MC with my job, with Relate and at first he agreed to go, but then he said he didnt feel that we needed it, as we were able to talk to each other as things cropped up and he felt things were going fine?

K.. call anytime, you wont disturb us ! You are right thanks for reminding me.. so last night.. I created a moment! and that worked fine and then its no longer a big deal and maybe the gaps in between dont matter for now, because yes, just to lie alongside him and wake up there is a joy in itself and I am grateful. xx

[AliSuddenly]

So.. I asked him about the BOMB. He DOESNT REMEMBER what he said. He was amazed when I told him. We had been out with our old friends, BMF1 and BFF and it reminded me of the bomb, this is what was said..

me: so do you remember what you said the night you ended it about them?
bf: no, I dont remember. What did I say?
me: You said.. I love Paul(BMF1), I love Mark, I love Chantal(BFF), but I dont love you.
bf: (wincing).. I didnt say that??
me: You did, those were your exact words, it rattled around my head for months. Dont you remember?
bf: I'm soo sorry, thats a terrible thing to say. No, I dont remember, why would I say such a thing??
me: I kept asking you, what do you mean you dont love me anymore, so you were trying to explain.
bf: Well thats a ridiculous thing to say. I cant believe I said that. Ridiculous.
me: Yes I thought it was too and my jaw was hanging open in shock, Mark in particular hadnt even called you for a year! You think it was ridiculous?
bf: Clearly it was, its a stupid thing to have said.
me: Why did you say it then?
bf: I must have meant it at the time. But I dont remember, I was mixed up, confused, but it wasnt true.
me: You also said it was over, for good, you were 100% sure..
bf: (wrily) huh, well I was wrong about that too! I'm so sorry, I was mixed up, confused, I dont remember the conversations we had, I dont know what I was thinking. I wasnt in my right mind.
me: Do you remember the last time we went to the B bar?
bf: Yes, we saw a band?
me: Right, just before we split up, you were very distant and offish with me
bf: (insistent) I wasnt!
me: You were, you were disdainful toward me and it was so awful
bf: I wasnt, I dont remember? God, I'm so sorry, its all a blur...

I just wanted to post this to anyone reeling from the shock of the bomb, so real and terrible to me, but seems it was part of his crisis, he didnt mean what he said and doesnt remember what he said. However, he does remember my reaction, that I ended up lying on the floor holding his ankles, making primevial howling noises.. he said he felt terrible at the memory and it had haunted him for ages.

[kat727]

That just shows that they aren't in the right state of mind. He is telling you so much, maybe time to just set with all of it for a while rather than press further. Cherish all the moments you have now.

kat