Monday: W became extremely upset with me yesterday when she found out that our savings account was in only my name and not both of ours. She called me on the phone insinuated that I was trying to cheat her. I tried to explain that the account was set up several years ago before I ever had any notion that we could end up like this.
Went home and asked her to go for a walk so we could calm down. This seemed to work. By the end we were rather friendly. I showed her all the accounts last night. She gave a check (from her new checking account) to a landlord for a security deposit to hold an apartment.
Last night after the conversation we ended up ML. I am not sure how it happened, but I am a guy that has needs. Afterward, she left the bed to go sleep with MIL. She said she didn't need to be any more confused than she already was.
I talked to a lawyer this morning. She told me to let the money go. She said that it would be counted against her assets in the end anyway.
So would binviting single moms over for playdates (for the children I mean) be considered dating? I on't think so.
Your error in this situation was trying to explain anything. She accused you of trying to cheat her? Are you serious? And then on top of that you tried to defend yourself for something you didn't have to defend? Do you see the problem here? She insinuated/accused you of cheating and you ended up looking like the bad guy .... isn't your wife cheating on you currently? Do you make her look like the bad guy? What right does she have to talk to you like this?
STOP!
I'll repeat this part again & again if I have to until you burn it into your brain and it becomes part of boot up process in the morning:
Grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit.
Learn it, know it, live it - everything else in your life will improve when you believe in these words.
So would binviting single moms over for playdates (for the children I mean) be considered dating? I on't think so.
Why single moms? Huh? Why don't you plan playdates with whoever your kids are friends with...
I kind of can't believe you asked that question but ok. No, it isn't dating if you are there to have your kids play together but seeing as you are a guy and all and you have needs, you might not want those single moms alone with you...
I'm assuming once you invite these single moms over, you all aren't going to put the kids in one room and strip down to your birthday suits in another room and do the horizontal mambo.
Yes it's perfectly fine, do it, you don't need our approval and you need to start learning that - when you do things you don't need to ask permission if it's something you want to do, seeking approval isn't attractive - is this something you did with your wife regularly?
Went home and asked her to go for a walk so we could calm down. This seemed to work. By the end we were rather friendly. I showed her all the accounts last night. She gave a check (from her new checking account) to a landlord for a security deposit to hold an apartment.
Last night after the conversation we ended up ML. I am not sure how it happened, but I am a guy that has needs. Afterward, she left the bed to go sleep with MIL. She said she didn't need to be any more confused than she already was.
The process is called "tagging". I've read quite a bit about it, specifically about women who leave their husbands to pursue affairs with other men. To get what they need from their husbands while these women are actively pursuing affairs & relationships with other men, they will sleep with their husbands to lull them into a fake sense of security. You called it making love because you (and men in general) associate sex with love when you are with wife. It made you feel more secure momentarily but it actually probably did more harm than good.
When she wants something from you, she will give you sex. She is exercising her control over you and it's working quite well apparently. Don't believe me? Good I welcome a challenge. Document this instance and the past several instances when you ML with your wife recently if she ended up getting something she needed from you. Document also when she says that she is confused after having sex with you, document if she sleeps in the bed with you to stay close with you after ML or if she leaves the bed for you to be alone afterwards. Document when she wants something from you, gets angry at you, turns things around and makes it your fault and somehow you end up apologizing.
Seems very analytical but humor me & yourself.
Also, try this if you're up for a challenge. The next time she wants to "ML" with you (have sex), refuse. Tell her you are confused and don't think you can have sex with her anymore. Document her reaction - maybe the first time she won't make a big deal of it but when you start holding back a few times after that, I'm betting she will get angry - she will use sex as a means to control you, or "tag" you. Refusing sex with her will make you more attractive to her - you will be communicating that you aren't conquered, you aren't waiting for the morsels & scraps of "love" she throws at you. Playing hard to get is very attractive - don't believe me? Your wife is playing that game right now and you want her back sooner than yesterday.
Just because she wiggles her ass in front of you doesn't mean you have to bite it. You're smarter than a fish, don't just bite that hook everytime you see it.
Yes you're a man and you have needs. I'm a man too, don't tell me about needs, I think about sex 90 seconds of every minute, exercise some control, you'll survive LOL!
You've been warned about this "tagging" process now, look for the signs. You have nothing to lose at this point and pretty much everything to gain, start doing some homework, you have a long road ahead of you, stop doing what doesn't work and start doing what does work.
So would binviting single moms over for playdates (for the children I mean) be considered dating? I on't think so.
Why single moms? Huh? Why don't you plan playdates with whoever your kids are friends with...
I kind of can't believe you asked that question but ok. No, it isn't dating if you are there to have your kids play together but seeing as you are a guy and all and you have needs, you might not want those single moms alone with you...
AAK realize that Tristan needs confidence above all else right now especially since his world is upside down & inside out. From what he's posted he's in love with his wife and he isn't going to be doing anything foolish like have an affair seek extramarital sex with another partner - he leaves his wife to pursue that avenue.
Since he requires confidence we need to pump him up. Yes it's ok to have playdates with single moms, at this point regardless of the legal title, he's a single dad, his wife is leaving him for another man. So have playdates with other single parents is ok to do and Tristan if you are reading this, you don't need to ask our permission! Approval seeking is unattractive, you're an adult, you know what you can or can't do.
Last night after the conversation we ended up ML. I am not sure how it happened, but I am a guy that has needs.
I certainly understand, Tristan. I do also very much hope that you are using protection, for obvious reasons.
Puppy
Seriously!
Even better, refuse sex with your wife, if she is with the OM then you are currently sharing a sex partner, IMHO, major turn off and it really shows how insecure you are that you jump at the chance to have sex with your wife if she's currently being intimate with another man.
OK. Just got back from IC. He made it perfectly clear to me what Robx and puppy have been trying to pound in my head for quite some time. He said absolutely no hugging, touching, kissing, etc. It is bad for my self-esteem and her mental health. Sorry Robx, I owe you an apology for not following your recomendations more closely. Thank you for your time.
He did disagree you on the dating though. He said as long as I am married there should be no dating.
Her mental health is a crutch she's using to allow her to rationalize her behavior so you need to stop concerning yourself with this. The OM in question I'm sure has been discussing these things with your wife and he has no problems with her "mental health" issues because I'm sure he sees that although she may be suffering from depression, it isn't impeding her motor skills and her ability to know from right/wrong, left/right, up/down, etc.
She is making a choice, she is making a decision with all of her actions. Blaming this all on her mental health takes away her responsibility in all of this, treat her like an adult and let her assume responsibility for her actions!
WOW...I'm glad your counsellor agreed with what I had to say.
The dating is your choice, you'll pursue it when you're ready to. Let's be clear about all of this, dating other women is for you to pump up your confidence and also to create a fear of loss with your wife, let's be totally clear about this. You aren't being asked to kiss any women, have sex with them, etc. Go out, have dinner, do an activity together, make a new friend, etc. While you're doing this, be clear on what you're doing for yourself. Be clear with the women you date if you end up doing this, tell them you're just dating and not looking for an intimate relationship - you can be honest, it's allowed.
Will generating fear of loss work with your wife?
Why don't you answer that question yourself with what she's doing to you and how you feel?
Yikes, wires crossing. Of course you have needs, we all do (I slept with H many times after he left)!!! I was kind of playing and while I think I may be a little too hard on you, I think you're also a tad traumatized...
You don't need to apologize for communicating honestly here.
I think you do need to boost your confidence and feel more self-assured. You don't want to be like that with wife..."Oops, oops, sorry I said that" kind of thing.
I am not teasing you. You seem like a really thoughtful and nice guy (good things!!!!) but you really need to get your nuts back too (as some of the boys here like to say). It is a fine line but you can do it.
Not sure about the "fine line" but his nuts are in his wife's purse, Tristan if you get a chance, ask your wife to open her purse, put your hand in there, fish around for a bit, you'll find your "pair" in there, take them out, put them back where they belong ;-)
Obviously a bit of joke to throw off the doom & gloom of this current situation. Reclaim your identity, your individuality and what it means for Tristan to feel masculine again.
Journaling: Tuesday Afternoon: Went to D5's graduation from Preschool. W was there, but I spent very litle time talking with her. She asked if I would like to walk to the store to get a little more icecream. I said I was fine either way, she said OK and went and took her mom.
After party, went home and spent much of the rest of the evening with D3 and reading up in my room. W touched me a couple of times through the evening.
Wednesday Morning: Woke up and got ready without going downstairs. On my way out W hugged me saying "I just wanted to smell you." I smiled and said "Have a good day."
So would binviting single moms over for playdates (for the children I mean) be considered dating?
whats your ultimate goal here tristan?
I started thinking about what I am going to do with my time alone with the girls. How I am going to handle it, etc. I think I would like company during some of those times. As I mentioned before, I am not sure I feel comfortable asking couples to get together. But I do feel comfortable asking some single parents; people that I can relate to at this point in my life. So I guess the "goal" would be to have some company when I have the girls. When I don't have the girls, I will have more flexibility in connecting with people (so that is not a concern).
