I just spoke to my MIL again, and she told me that she asked my H, "you have been with your wife for 10 years, how can you just up and leave your whole life behind?" He told her he was just at that comfortable stage. What the heck is that?? I think that's the best part of marriage!!
Good way to handle him! Cordial, not clingy and needy. A good first step!
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
KTF- I saw this post on a thread started by BrandNewDay- it is the first post on page 1 of the 756 pages of posts she has. I liked it so much I copied it- the post is by Dogma:
Greetings all,
I am a short timer here. My WAW moved out in Mar after the "bomb" hit in Dec. Is she coming back to me and three children to revive an M of 11 years?
I do not know and I do not care.
In my short tenure in this marathon of marital and spouse struggles and reading the bb, I've formed a few conclusions of my own I would like to share.
DISCLAIMER. These opinions in NO way represent Michele, the moderators, other posters, the bb, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
1. There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.
2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.
3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.
4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.
5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.
6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.
7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.
8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.
9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.
10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.
11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.
Hi again all. I'm back in the D forums under Dogma (I was DBB last Spring 04 when WAW moved out.) D was final Nov 04.
Hang in.
Bruce ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True words of wisdom here- esp. #4 & #7. Hope you liked it as much as I did.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
OK, so this morning H called. I could tell right away in his voice that something was wrong. So I asked him if he was ok and he said yeah. We had a short cordial conversation about football and weather and benign things like that. But I could still tell he was not happy about something. He was heading in to work and had to get off the phone. I asked him again, "are you sure you are ok? you don't sound good" Then he said no, he wasn't good, but that he didn't want to talk about it. So I said that's fine, if you need to talk you know where you can find me. I then told him I hope he had a better day and he thanked me. And we got off the phone.
So now I am wondering what is wrong? I wonder if there could be trouble in paradise with OW. He sounded really down. If it was work related or something like that he probably would have offered more information. But he didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to pry.
I did the best I could!! I am just hoping that maybe things aren't seeming so perfect in his fantasy world anymore.
I'm in the middle of my own drama right now and I haven't read your entire thread yet but this has been repeated several times around the board:
Good mood (from a WAS with an OP) = bad for you Bad mood = good for you
If he's down, something is definitely wrong.
Stay quiet and patient.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I'm in the middle of my own drama right now and I haven't read your entire thread yet but this has been repeated several times around the board:
Good mood (from a WAS with an OP) = bad for you Bad mood = good for you
If he's down, something is definitely wrong.
Stay quiet and patient.
yeah my waw has admitied life is not as good as she thought but she still thinks it better than out R WTF? with out going into long details its safe to say her new life sucks bad! but i think they get strong willed after all its alot of work moving out and getting to that point . i think many would stick it out much longer than needed. and if they dont and they come right back it seems common they leave again. so I think what im trying to say is its better for both of you if they are gone along time. you heal and they get to see what its really like out there. how hard the world really is. how well they had it. once you get to the point where they have truily learned you should be at a point where you can decide for yourself "do I really want this selfish person back?"
I don't know if it was right or wrong to do this, but this morning I sent H a text that just said, "just checking on you to see if you are doing any better today" He replied and said yes and thanks for asking. He asked how I was doing and I said good. He said that was good to hear. Then he called me, he sounded better than yesterday, but still a little down. He then said he has a lot going on with work and stuff. Didn't elaborate and I didn't pry. I just told him I was glad to hear he was better. He then said he was going to come home soon to grab some sweatshirts. Didn't say when, but I was surprised to here him call here "home". He hasn't been referring to our house as home at all, he has been referring to it as "there". I don't want to get my hopes up, but I hope these are all good signs.
So I tried to call H last night to tell him that the son of a friend of his passed away. I could tell he "ignored" my call because it rang twice and went into vm. I tried him again a few minutes later and his phone was off. Which leads me to believe he was with OW. He called me this morning, again it was a cordial conversation. Sometimes I feel like I am overanalyzing what he says, but I can't help it! I am looking for any positive signs. Maybe I am just grasping for anything. But the kid that passed took his own life and he was 15. So I said to H, what do you know about life at 15 that could convince you to take your own life? Then my H made the comment, "I don't know much about life at 30". So I wonder what that meant? Do you think he is confused??
So I tried to call H last night to tell him that the son of a friend of his passed away. I could tell he "ignored" my call because it rang twice and went into vm. I tried him again a few minutes later and his phone was off. Which leads me to believe he was with OW. He called me this morning, again it was a cordial conversation. Sometimes I feel like I am overanalyzing what he says, but I can't help it! I am looking for any positive signs. Maybe I am just grasping for anything. But the kid that passed took his own life and he was 15. So I said to H, what do you know about life at 15 that could convince you to take your own life? Then my H made the comment, "I don't know much about life at 30". So I wonder what that meant? Do you think he is confused??
thats how i take it but my W does the same thing says she is confused ect. but one thing she knows is she cant live her (roll eyes)
