I'm not agreeing to anything yet. I told him to write up what he wants and I'll hand it to my lawyer. I felt the peace that it was dead. THat's exactly it. What happens next who knows. I guess I'm panicking today. I'm scared if I give him anything he wants legally, I"m screwing myself later. If It don't, he wont work in therapy and I'm getting divorced anyhow. I'm really afraid today not knowing what to do. Where was that peace again? lol
My understanding of legal separation is that it's just one step closer to divorce. That's why I would not opt to do it. But you are in your shoes and this is a choice for you and S.
THat's exactly how I feel. However, in California, he can divorce me without my permission. In a legal separation, I have to agree to it. Perhaps I can put things in there to protect me as well, such as making sure I have health insurance, access to our bank account and credit cards, etc. These things he is threatening to separate and take from me unless I agree to a legal separation. I'm really scared tday. I don't want to give him these things too. But I'm afraid the consequences will b e worse if I don't. He will agree to therapy if I give him the separation, guaranteed. I don't know. Thank you so much for your great input - I really value it, Stronger and you have been like a lifeline to me! No decisions made yet -
I think a legal separation would be a way for you to protect yourself, and considering the way the threatens, I think it may well be a good idea. I would also say that if there is a reconcilliation in the cards, a legal separation, in your case, is probably not going to be an impediment.
I would talk to a lawyer, and mention his threats (which I think he cannot follow through on, but the cost to prevent it may be high). Act from a position of knowledge.
Thanks everybody. I have been going back and forth between "should I, shouldn't I?" all day...I can see both perspectives! I spoke with my lawyer today to relieve my mind and he said try not to worry until he can look at the document H's lawyer writes up. Then he will let me know what if anything I have to lose or gain financially. Once this is settled, hopefully H won't feel so vulnerable and scared and might be willing to sit and talk to me. If not, I'm headed toward D anyhow. Ugh.
Another positive step - compared to two weeks ago when he couldn't be around me without venting anger and criticisms my way constantly! He and I talked about taking S on a day trip together. I wanted to take S to an aquarium that is four hours drive away, and H, a pilot, offered a while back to fly S there. I asked how comfortable he would feel with me going - as I orginally was excited to take S there. He had said he needed to think about it because for legal reasons, he did not want to appear like we weren't "separated" meaning not taking trips together, not going to therapy, etc. (This is part of the reason he wants a legal separation, so that he doesn't have to "prove" separation by ambiguous actions like spending time with the family. He said that as long as "we agree that this is officially a trip for our son, not our marriage" (as far as the court is concerned) then it's fine if we all go together. Considering one of his big complaints about me is that we have had more family trips with blow-out fights than calm ones, I see this as progress. I see this as him trusting me - to get along (prove my changes) and to hold up my verbal agreement as far as our legal situation. Although he is not admitting this has anything to do with spending time with me, I know from his past actions that if he didn't want to spend time with me, he simply wouldn't. He would tell me to go by myself or that he wants to take S alone. When we have been in worse places, he has definitely done this. I also see it as a test of him. I will keep consistent with my 180's - no R talks, no begging or convincing, an aloofness (no "I love yous" - and with my goal of staying calm no matter what he throws at me. If he throws a bunch of criticisms and anger at me, this will be difficult. I will see he is not ready to change his side. But I am determined to use this daytrip to demonstrate my changes. Thursday is the day. Wish me luck. And I will try to keep my hopes from getting too high as well.
Doing better internally today. Feeling like loving myself and if he doesn't want to join me in marriage repair, if he doesn't have love for me, I can't make him and I'm not interested in trying to convince him to remember the love we once had. Still holding out hope of reconsiliation, but only if he comes to me. This is quite a 180 folks, praying I can keep it up!
My understanding of legal separation is that it's just one step closer to divorce. That's why I would not opt to do it. But you are in your shoes and this is a choice for you and S.
My W and I had an attorney draw up a legal document outlining a few things, most importantly finances. It's not legal separation but it offered her some level of protection and comfort.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Thank you RSF, that is what I asked for actually. I told him I did not want a legal separation but I was happy to negotiate a financial agreement that makes us both feel more secure. I'm trying to look at this as something positive that will also benefit me. I appreciate knowing another couple did this as well.
He was here tonight and stayed calm. He didn't stay overnight but he usually just sleeps on the couch anyhow. I was very impressed that the progress included some tricky topics where he was very calm and not criticizing me. We had to talk money, and about health issues and we stayed calm. We have a big family outing planned for tomorrow. I'm determined to stay calm and not be clingy. I am feeling panic again inside that this is going so slowly. Now that he and I are calm, I'm wishing there was more reassurance - a touch, a hug, a sleepover, etc. Keeping this in check and being positive with my actions. Not pressuring. Still scary what with all the recent threats of paper signing and "moving to a bigger place" where he can have our son for sleepovers. Trying to keep my hope alive and the big picture in mind of a reconsiliation someday. Trying to see the babysteps over just a couple weeks. Cautiously optimistic. Wish me well.
