I have received similiar advice from a couple friends that I trust. I talked to W this morning and said that I would like a legal seperation document in place before moving money around. She agreed and said she would hold off moving until we had something in place.
I do not like getting lawyers involved, but I don't know how else to handle this.
Last night I talked to MIL. She told me that she is sorry and thinks that I should just move on. W doesn't love me and I should just go on with my life. That was a hard pill to swallow. I know MIL is trying hard to get W to reconsider, but W seems to have a one track mind right now.
The last couple of days things between W and I have been very business like. Almost no emotion from either of us. For me it is just a shell, inside I am numb. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to be married to this woman anymore. She has changed so much from the woman I married. I know I am responsible for part of that, and her illness is another part. But there is a part that she herself is playing in this too. She is not the same. And I am wondering if the original W will ever be back. I realized last night that W was planning to move the same week that D5 starts kindergarten. I mentioned cynically that it will be a great first week for D5. Her reply, "She is a kid. She doesn't know any better." This is the same woman that would not let the same child cry for more than a minute without picking her up to comfort her after she was born.
FYI, there are Do-It-Yourself books for divorces and sep agreements. H and I took ours all the way to filing for the final judgement with nary a lawyer involved.
Also, re: telling the kids - H and I told kidlet (who was 6) together, calmly but that didn't stop kidlet from breaking down crying, then bolting from the house and running blindly down the street. Took us about half an hour to find him. He'd managed to get back into the house and was curled in a ball in the back of one of the closets.
Last edited by Dia; 08/24/0903:53 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
the clock hasn't stopped ticking during all of this, Tristan what are you doing to turn this thing around?
You are exhibiting all of the classic responses & behaviors most men go through when their wives are leaving them to pursue relationships with their affair partners.
You are solidifying the decision in her head with your actions & behaviors: hurt, shocked, sad, depressed, numb, unloved, needy, clingy, etc.
Why not throw a monkey wrench into all of this and do the opposite, it's counter-intuitive, it goes against exactly how you feel and it throws your spouse for a loop because she expects this sad behavior from you.
Gucci wrote a few words in another thread recently and it really hit home because it wasn't until I implemented real change on my part in my own situation that I started to see real results.
Gucci wrote "....REALITY.. Follow reality... not what you "wish for" .... "
You want to see specific results, perform specific actions.
If you want different results, do different things.
You are currently your wife's emotional healing stone, she is sucking the life energy out of you indirectly, while you are hurt and wanting all of things that are currently in motion to stop and go in reverse, she sees this and it allows her to rationalize all of her current actions & behavior... "... I should leave him, this is the right thing to do, there is a reason why I don't love him, too many bad things have happened, I need something new & exciting in my life, not the same old situation, plus I don't feel secure around him, he can't even take care of himself let alone take care of my needs & our family, look how he's breaking down, look how he clings to me like he's losing his whole world, now he'll try to make me feel guilty by mentioning the effects on the kids and I expect him to continue doing this because he has nothing left to try".
Confidence, it's extremely attractive. We're not talking arrogance, we're talking confidence, there is a huge difference between the two.
You are hers and if she chose to, she could have you back now at any time and she knows it and you know it - admit it. You are conquered, that isn't attractive, it's not exciting, it's not challenging and it's hard to respect something that is conquered and that is human nature, I didn't make that rule, that's just how it seems to be.
Yes I'll say it again (and I'll hold up my shield for the arrows that are shot my way), start dating. Gucci has promoted this advice on the site to countless others, and I did it in my own situation with extremely powerful results. Your wife sees you and attaches very low value to you. When you start to date other women, your value will increase, other women are going out with you, you must have value for them, so your wife will question it. Plus if you start to move on faster than her previous ideas about you allowed for, it throws her rationalizations for a loop. You are no longer conquered at this point, you are moving on. She will see this and she will react accordingly. Up until this point, all of this has been her decision, do you notice how she is calling all the shots? She's going to move out, it doesn't matter to her the effects on your kids, she's going to take half the savings, she will want more money on top of that when she needs it to begin her new life (furnishings and everything else that goes into setting up a new life in a new home) and you if you continue on this path will be there to say "OK, here you go, is there anything else I can do to help you out let me know, did you want some help moving? I can help move all your possessions into your new place while you and the OM are having dinner together so that you guys aren't bothered and I can show you how much of a nice guy I am" (please don't be this super nice guy, it never works). I read in another thread one of the LBS offering his wife to help her move into her new apartment, the same woman who was cheating on him and leaving him for another man - it made me sick to my stomach and I guarantee you his wife probably had similar feelings for him: "... he's such a nice guy, I don't understand how I can continue doing this and continue to hurt, maybe it's true, maybe I never did really love him." She can't tell you why she isn't attracted to her husband anymore although I'm sure there are alot of excuses, in the end, he exhibited behaviors that were extremely unattractive and he continued to kill the attraction between him & his wife until finally there was nothing left to hold her there. Attraction isn't a choice, you don't get to decide who you are attracted to, it just happens. You "flick" certain switches by exhibiting crap behaviors and you will kill attraction, you "flick" other switches by exhibiting attractive behaviors that are different from what she is used to with you and you will create attraction. Don't question it, that's attraction and how it works. We can all hope for unconditional love but in the end, if you don't meet your spouses needs, they will get their needs taken care of from someone else and that is a stone cold fact and you can preach "what about love, you're supposed to love me no matter what" but we all know that it doesn't work like that although it would be great if it did but I guess we would all turn into lazy sloth's if we had nothing to work for & maintain.
It's ok to love someone but you must love yourself and that means respecting yourself and not allowing others to treat you poorly or take advantage of you - that is a very unattractive behavior.
So what attractive behaviors are you going to start exhibiting today?
I think I have stopped being clingy. I really am not enjoying being around her anymore. I think I am moving on. However, I think I can still be sad for the children. It would be obviously insincere to be anything else. I am not crying. I am not asking for hugs. I am not touching anymore. Neither is she.
I guess the one attractive behavior I can show right now is my concern for the girls. And I can go about going on with my life. In my opinion, dating at this point would be unattractive. It would show that I need someone to fulfill me. I want to be bigger than that.
I think I have stopped being clingy. I really am not enjoying being around her anymore. I think I am moving on. However, I think I can still be sad for the children. It would be obviously insincere to be anything else. I am not crying. I am not asking for hugs. I am not touching anymore. Neither is she.
I guess the one attractive behavior I can show right now is my concern for the girls. And I can go about going on with my life. In my opinion, dating at this point would be unattractive. It would show that I need someone to fulfill me. I want to be bigger than that.
That's definitely one opinion but it also shows that you are moving on. No one is talking about finding your next true love, having sex and getting married to someone else. It shows that you have confidence to pick yourself up and try again, I personally don't think it would show that you need someone to fulfill you.
You currently are bigger, you don't have to prove it by showing your fidelity especially when that means nothing to your wife as is and believe me it makes her position much stronger if you're sitting at home waiting which is the mental image she has of you, it is also certain to be one of the things that pop up in the many conversations she has with the other man..."... poor dear, he is sitting at home, waiting for me to come to my senses, hopefully one day he'll pick himself up again".
Tristan, I'm glad that you don't consider dating to be an option at this point. I will have to respectfully disagree with robx on dating being an option at this point. If you were to date; then you show the same disrespect for your vows that your wife is showing right now. There a million other ways to GAL than dating another woman. Good thinking tristan.
Living in the same house = no dating IMO. After separation...different variables require different actions.
Flirting and getting attention can help with confidence. I fought all of this for a loooong time but it is true. BUT, I am way further along in my sitch and I was dealing with cake-eating.
What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander.